So, just got back from a weekend away and while my daughter is having snack I had to post that I'm pretty sure my H wasn't wearing his ring-- he was hiding his hand in his pocket or behind his back. This is a first. And just when I thought I was detached, I am having a really hard time at the moment. Maybe all my "progress" was phony because I still believed things would work out between us.
I'm shaking, and had an emotionally draining weekend, and as much as I am so happy to spend time with my D, I want to have a good cry but her bedtime is at least 4 hours away.
Your progress was not phony. You had an emotionally draining weekend and your resistance is down. You will take time to comfort yourself tonight and in the morning things will be in a tolerable place.
No matter what happens you will be well because your high quality shines through the things you share.
I'm sending you hugs. I wish there were more I could do.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
That is a tough one. You really want to believe all the 180 is for your benefit, and NO ONE can blame you if you choose to hold out hope for your marriage.
But when you (honestly ) realize that you were doing a lot of the stuff in hopes that he returns (instead of for yourself) it IS very discouraging. I think anyone who says this was not a reality for them is kidding themselves just a little bit.
Just another one of the little "gifts" that keeps on giving.
sorry
Last edited by bugsby; 07/07/1403:18 AM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
I think it is easy to believe, and also very good, that we are changing and accepting of things that we cannot control. HOWEVER I think when faced with new issues, things that we do not see coming, it may be difficult/discouraging to handle. But with that said. I bet 100% you felt much different than you would have prior to DB'ing. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but I mean that you HAVE changed and I'm sure you handled it Better than you would have months ago. Try not to dwell on the negatives (I know pto calling the kettle here lol) and focus on the positives of what you are doing because you are doing great.
We are all human. We are in situations that we are molding and trying to adapt a new/better us! I believe we are defined in how we handle things when things are at their worst! People are always great when things are great but throw a curveball in the mix and see who comes Out on top - I bet you'd be right up top front and center
Bugsby-- I am definitely working on myself FOR myself. I had actually started that work shortly before BD. I am grateful to my H for the opportunity to make the changes i needed to make. I was living in a dark, sad, scared place for far too long...and now I can see all the blessings and joy in my life. For the first time in perhaps my entire life, i can honestly say I like myself and I'm comfortable in my own skin AND mind. That is permanent.
But I'm feeling a bit like I've come full circle with my DB efforts. When my H first left, he said that he had no hope that I could change permanently, or that he could ever feel in love with me again. Classic hopelessness, as per MWD, and a classic "fixed mindset."
I hear about so many couples who spent months in therapy, or whose spouse left (or was left behind) totally angry, bitter, and unwilling to do any work on themselves. That's not me. We don't argue-- in fact we have had some very productive conversations and have resolved conflicts better than we ever had. He has noticed how I've changed and even complimented me on it.
We went to see a counselor for about 5 or 6 sessions before he decided to leave. That was it. When I said that we hadn't even tried to work on our M, he said he had been trying for a long time. I'm back to how I felt at the beginning, which is... in our situation, no abuse, no cheating, a child, shared interests and values..how does someone just walk away so easily without even entertaining the possibility of reconciliation? How do you just plop yourself down in the living room one day and say, "I'm done" and walk out the door forever?
How can he not feel some piece of hope that our recent interactions could show that we could have a different relationship in the future?
And I feel silenced, because I want to say these things to him but I know that will only push him away.
Congratulations on you for getting to a place of peace with yourself. I believe you said you dealt with untreated depression/anxiety?? It's great that you recognized it was affecting you and that you took the necessary actions to feel better. Many people cannot even admit they have an issue! You have come so very far in more ways than you probably fully realize at this time.
I know this is not DBing, however when I hear people have been *trying* for so long, I always wonder what they were doing. A friend of mine had been *trying* and when asked what she had been doing, she began to stammer and sort of muddle thru what she perceived to be her all. We live in a very disposable culture where we have created the belief that *something* is always better. Better mate, better house, better car, better job, etcetera. Not everyone lives this way, however it is prevalent in our culture. Not that your h is this way, I just think people think they are starting *fresh* when in reality they are taking their issues right along with them. I also think that when you walk away once, it's easier to do it again in the future. Just sashayed off my soapbox!
Keep focusing on you and your D. Your h has his own issues-you know that though:). You are doing great!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Claire, it's nice to hear from you again! What do you need inspiration for? You have a lovely, warm, supportive, positive voice. You can always be counted on to offer kindness even when you're pointing out a problem.
I'd like to hear about your experience at the healing retreat. I haven't done one of those and would love to hear what it's like when you feel ready to share?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Georgiabelle-- thank you. Yes, I have come such a long way-- every area of my life has improved-- family, friends, colleagues, my D. Every single day I have a moment when I realize how the old me would have reacted or felt-- negatively, judgemental, or anxious-- and how I don't feel that way any more. Every. Single. Day.
I have the second half of my life to live in lightness.
And I am angry-- so angry today-- that my H won't join me for it. I know he has his issues. I do have compassion for him for his lack of hope and imagination or belief in my or his capacity to change.
And I am also angry at what his weakness is costing me. It is costing me a lot. Today, I don't know how to get past that. That doesn't mean I won't figure that out. But this is where I am at today.
