Hi I too wonder where my H went.. doesnt help me to detach at all but I question myself now.. Did I imagine we had a close relationship, do I live on another planet?
I can't get mad.. but I have had the same conversations. As you
H: I need space( 2 weeks later)r all I want is a divorce the affair is a coincidence. ? 13 years ago I felt you betrayed my trust it is burnt earth I want a divorce.. no I don't want to talk about it.. it is sad this is happening so many times all over the world.. where do they get the scripts¿
Your situation sounds so hard. But I just wanted to say that your tone and attitude have been so constructive, it's been an inspiration to read. I can imagine how you must be such a positive in real life. Of course he is mad to leave you.
If you are taking counselling (recommended), or reading other self-help books, it looks like your anger needs addressing. It's almost impossible to properly apply DB and the LRT when angry.
It's good that you have friends IRL that are supportive. And you know, when you're out with them, a tiny bit of flirting won't kill anyone and remind you that the OW has nothing on you!
Hang in there
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
I'd highly recommend getting Michele's book, "Divorce Remedy (DR)," and quick. Also look for Sandi's list of Last Resort Technique (LRT). As other posters have said, do things for YOU - things YOU can control. WAH is going to make wishy-washy decisions and change his mind every other week, its suck and its normal.
You could start 180 Techniques and pick up new hobbies, or old ones, that you left behind from being together. Good examples would be running, biking, going to the gym and getting that beach body, etc.
From what I've read and from also personal experience I think you should consider; 1 not getting into arguments with WAH (they arent think straight anyway, just reinforces their current beliefs) 2 be "happy" and "upbeat" around WAH (this may confuse WAH, so be prepared for possible backlash) 3 Im not sure on your living arrangements but try to not be home when the WAH is (keeps YOU focused on YOU, and makes WAH wonder where you are at) 4 don't go snooping or bring up OW, ever! (this serves to keep YOU focused on YOU, and doesn't bring you down because snooping will do that)
Keep us posted. Like myself I sometimes feel "no one replies back to me," this board is very busy and some people get really focused on certain stories. Overtime you will feel you aren't dependent on replies as you detach more and more. This is all a process, patience will be your friend in time. Emotional swings and crying are very normal, don't think you're the only one.
Goodluck
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Hi Riley, Mat and Loualea, Thanks so much for your replies and great advice!
I am trying to stay positive, focus on myself and stay out of contact with the WAH, unless he contacts me. We don't live together, he moved out last weekend.
Thanks Riley for the reminder to not snoop. Damn that one is hard!!! And also not to think or talk about the OW. I can't stop thinking about that today for some reason it is really getting me down. And yes, I have read DB but not yet DR. I was going to go pick it up at the bookstore tomorrow if they have it in stock.
Mat, thanks for your advice and compliments on my attitude! And thanks for the encouragement to flirt, I've actually been doing a bit of it this weekend. It's funny how that has two sides though, have any of you noticed it? You flirt and you feel good because you are getting attention and all that, but then the person starts getting interested and then you think "ugh leave me alone. oh gosh I wish I just had my S back!!!"
Loualea, sorry to hear about your situation, it does not sound fun. I guess what they say is that the S acts really weird and goes into denial about your whole R to protect themselves from feelings. It's super duper annoying for sure. But you didn't imagine the whole thing, they are just in denial. Hang in there!
My next hurdle is really trying not to snoop and trying not to obsess on the OW. Boy, it is not easy. The two go hand in hand.
Question for you all: he will be coming by next week to pick up some things from the house. Do you think it is better for me to be out and avoid seeing him or better to be home so that I can show him what he is missing? We last saw each other Sunday morning when he moved out, so about a week ago.
Have a good day everyone! love, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
"Question for you all: he will be coming by next week to pick up some things from the house. Do you think it is better for me to be out and avoid seeing him or better to be home so that I can show him what he is missing? We last saw each other Sunday morning when he moved out, so about a week ago."
I would recommend doing what makes YOU happy, YOUR hobbies. Never try to do things to get the WAS to "notice" because you will be forever disappointed.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
The question you posed above is a bit of a tough one. On one hand you want to GAL so not being there is accomplishing that and if you are not there you wont be tempted to discuss R at all.
The other side is if maybe after a week your WAH may realize not being around you isn't the greatest. Then he may show some body language to that effect.
It is your choice there are pos/neg to both so just do what you feel is right for YOU.
H has only been gone a week and these things take time. Be patient and just be aware of possible baby steps but try not to have any expectations.
Snooping is bad all way around, take it from me, my W is beyond mad that I was advised to find some things out to protect myself when it comes to support.
Realize you cant control anything your WAH does so snooping just hurts you in the end.
Your H has made choices and is on a journey of his own at the moment. Take this time to work on yourself. It helps a great deal no matter what lies ahead.
Hang in there!!
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Hi Lisa, I feel for you as I am in a similar switch. I am going on month 6. In the beginning I did all the pleading, begging, everything and it didn't work. My WaW moved out but then I got her to move back in but we are living in seperate floors. She still comes down to my living area and we have small superficial chats and sometimes cool and eat together.
If you read my forum, I caught her having an A. It hurts and the pain is down right wrenching. My advice for you is to be patient because this is the last thing I can do after all the begging and pleading I did. I question myself, if I should still fight for my M because I never thought I would be able to accept an A. Funny how things work, but here I am fighting. Hang in there and you are at the right place. Good people with good hearts are here to help get you through this with their sincere support.
As for the pain, it will get easier with time. As for the no contact you are doing its the best approach. Like so many dbrs says, become someone that you are happy with and only a fool will leave. I am practicing this in every angle I can.
As for the text that you are getting, I suggest answer the important ones from H. If he just says hi, I would ignore it. Let him know that you are a strong woman and can be on your own too. I think when he texts and says "hi" he is just fishing to see if you are still all over him trying to get him back. Seems to me, he wants to feel that comfort of always having you there as a backup. No one should be a backup in a M. Both must always put in to continue a strong and happy M. I believe we are all here because this is what we believe in and though our S has wondered away, we fight, because we believe that the foundation we have established with our S is important to us each. And of course, we love them (truly love them) to be able to forgive and work on ourselves to become a better person (for one's own self, only a fool will leave
Hi cq1, nit84 and Riley, Thanks so much for your advice and support.
I think my best bet is to not be there when he comes by unless he specifically asks me to be there. On the one hand of course I'd like to see him but on the other I am afraid he will still act like a cold alien and it will upset me more. Also I feel like one of the problems in our R was that I was too available to him (boring) so probably being out is better and if he wants to talk to me or see me he can ask. Last time he came by I was out, and he seemed a bit confused by it.
cq1 thanks so much for your insights about the "hi" texts. It makes sense! I think also he is used to sending me texts during the day that say something like "baby!" to get my attention so that we can have a text conversation about what we are having for dinner later or how our days are going. Since he can't say that now he just sends "hi". It is so annoying!
The last 24 hrs I am really having obsessive thoughts about the OW. It's not good. Trying to distract myself and not think about that, but it's hard. My mind wonders if they are together right now at this moment, then it jumps to thinking "well, it will never work out" to then thinking they will run off together into the sunset and then back to thinking he probably isn't even interested in her anymore now that he got rid of me. All this thinking is CRAZY I know but it's the rollercoaster and I am still strapped in! Yuck! Trying to avoid thoughts like this...
Sending you all good thoughts. love, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Mat, thanks for your advice and compliments on my attitude! And thanks for the encouragement to flirt, I've actually been doing a bit of it this weekend. It's funny how that has two sides though, have any of you noticed it? You flirt and you feel good because you are getting attention and all that, but then the person starts getting interested and then you think "ugh leave me alone. oh gosh I wish I just had my S back!!!"
Lots of back and forths on flirting/dating etc. on this forum. Flirting can do wonders for your self esteem when you receive positive feedback, especially if you are a LBS. But you are right, it is a fine line between building your own self esteem and being unfair to the other person. Keep it friendly and innocent, and always have full disclosure to any other person who might get the wrong idea.
Keep up the good work!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
And thanks for the encouragement to flirt, I've actually been doing a bit of it this weekend. It's funny how that has two sides though, have any of you noticed it? You flirt and you feel good because you are getting attention and all that, but then the person starts getting interested and then you think "ugh leave me alone. oh gosh I wish I just had my S back!!!"