Hurt and Confused 2

[oad]

here it is:

"If you act coldly, it tells her she affects your emotions. It is a reaction to something she's done. But indifference is not caring one way or the other. (Of course we know you really do, but it's what she thinks that matters.).

Try to pretend she is an elderly nosie woman who lives next door. This neighbor is a neusence in your life. When she starts asking questions about your life, you just smile and try to tolerate her, but you don't answer all her snoopy questions. You don't flirt with her or expect her to hang out with you. You don't try to slip in a hug here and there, nor find an excuse to contact her. You don't act rude, get angry, or sulk if she visits other neighbors or stops showing any interest in you. It's fine! It doesn't matter. You don't care what she does! When you get in from work and see her in her yard next door, you just smile & wave and keep on walking. If she stops you to chat, you limit it and politely excuse yourself. See what I mean?"

[bashy]

Excellent oad. So any interactions with her I keep short and to the point but polite. Show no interest in her life by asking questions?

[oad]

that's what im doing...if she talks you listen, but don't initiate a thing. when she left town this week I didn't say a thing, normally I would say have a safe trip...then how was it? did you have fun....not this time, I can see it was getting to her, so she finally just started giving the info up.

[bashy]

Ok my friend. I am meeting my WAW later to collect D and will be polite, happy but countinue not to ask questions or ask how she's doing etc. Unless any vets out there think this is wrong...

[oad]

remember she is the nosey neighbor, be pollite say hi and bye and good luck bashy, fill me in on how it goes.

[Old Dog]

Thanks for pulling that out oad. That's helping me too.

I'm a weekend husband but without intimacy.

[pilot]

Ok my friend. I am meeting my WAW later to collect D and will be polite, happy but countinue not to ask questions or ask how she's doing etc. Unless any vets out there think this is wrong...

perfect!

[oad]

I think we all have an equal plan, lets get to work!!!

[sandi2]

quick question though on the indeffrence.... ive never turned down her request to talk, should I shut it down, no more talking with her unless its about the kids...not be there for her emotionally until things change?

It depends on where you are on this journey. And also, everyone's stitch may vary just a bit. For example, if the couple are still living together, and the W starts talking at the dinner table or whenever the family are gathered together, I would be careful about cutting her off (as long as she's not being disrespectful and the subject matter is not about the R or inappropriate for the kids). This time with the children should be pleasant and gives you an opportunity to shine.

If living together, or not, and she begins whining, playing the victim, being disrespectful, b*tchy, demanding, bossy, etc., then you shut her down right then and there. If you don't know how to shut her down.......then you immediately leave her presence. But you do not tolerate her giving you a cr@p bath.

If not living together, and she calls to just talk about herself, or try's to manipulate you into doing something for her, end the conversation. (If it becomes a habit with her, You could even give a slight hint of sounding bored at her self centerness. ). After all, she gave you up, remember. You don't owe her. The only thing you have to discuss is about the kids, and if need be....you direct the conversation back to the subject of your children.

If she initiates the conversation, and as long as she is speaking politely and softly, and being civil, I think you should listen. (As long as it doesn't get to be all about her life and her problems too much, or not getting nosy about yours). If you see it is about to take a wrong turn and her emotions are getting ugly or it gets on the R, then change the subject or use the nosy neighbor method. If she makes a "request" to talk, be cautious. It usually means a R talk, or something serious. Just be on your toes till you can see what it's about. Use common sense with this.

It teaches her how she can talk to you and what you will not not tolerate. If she starts asking questions about you (especially if you are separated or she's brought up D)....she learns she is trespassing into your private territory. She doesn't get the answers she was after. It frustrates her how you can just smile, or give your little low chuckle and say goodbye or turn and leave her hanging.

She learns she gets no place with horsey behavior. She has to act like a lady before you give her the time of day. She can't dictate or boss you around. She can't even complain about you, b/c you don't linger around to listen to it. If she gets mad and throws a fit, she has to do it privately b/c you won't be her audience. She also learned she has to live with the circumstances of her choices and not go crying to you (of all people) and expect sympathy. Which really surprises her.

Yes, she gets frustrated, but what really gets her is how you just keep standing tall, and in control. She can't seem to ruffle your feathers regardless of her behavior, even when she starts spewing,, you call her out about how unattractive that behavior makes her look and then you leave her standing alone.

When she gets to the point she can talk nicely, respectfully, and politely, you seem patient and not in a hurry to end the conversation. Heck, you even validate some thongs she says! So, when she starts thinking of a possible reconciliation, she will approach you in the right manner/attitude. Funny how all this has changed her outlook of you as a man. She had doubted your strength. She wasn't attracted to you. She sure didn't respect you b/c she used to be able to speak anyway she wanted and you just took it like a beaten down dog. But no longer! And now she finds herself beginning to not only see you differently, but her own feelings seem to be changing.

Now this is all from the woman's POV, of course. Women have always used their mouth as a weapon. They expect men to be stronger. That's why they lose respect for the man they can beat down by the words they speak.

Does this answer your question?

[T-boned]

Sorry Oad, but I gotta hijack Sandi for a second here. I just got done reading all the posts on Oads new thread about the role of being a friend. I just want to know if that applies to the women too. My STBX H said after the BD that we'd be better as friends. I said something like, 'you've got to be kidding!' At the time I gave him an example of how ridiculous that would be and how I sure didn't see that as a possibility. Maybe when I'm 80! Basically told him in no uncertain terms that's not an option.

So, does the same hold true for the women of a WAH? I would think so. I, too, feel like it's emotional blackmail. And they just want to feel better about what they have done to you.

THANK YOU SANDI!!!!!!! Ditto on all the kudos you've been getting here. AND THANK YOU OAD for letting me step in here.

P.S. BTW Oad, I think you are doing GREAT!!!