Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[BigMac]

What was happening was that each time W needed to discuss something that hit my Anxiety triggers I would activate, and have some sort of an escalation when we couldn't come to a dialouge based discussion.

Either that, or we would battle for control of a conversation, and I generally would win. W would then "aggree" but then not follow through. We got in this ever devolving situation where I was trying to get my needs met (or felt like it) but she felt forced into meeting them.

Both of us have high anxiety, so the behaviors would get repeated on both sides, but I can only fix my own stuff. To quote her, W and the kids were walking on egg shells constantly around me.

Getting PTSD treatment (I have done a couple sematic therapies - Constallation therapy and regression with DPMD). I am 1000 times better right now, as well as continuing work so I can be 10,000 times better.

I never stopped caring in my heart. I would try to buy her love constantly, but what I didnt' realize was that I should have probably put my efforts into listening to her. I was so screwed up, that I would just monologue, not dialogue. I wasn't listening to her, and of course she would find other people who would listen, other guys who filled her head with other things...

So I have been working on PTSD stuff.
I have been taking communications courses (really good).
I've been journaling
I've been investing in myself, getting a life
I cut out all stimulants (caffeine, etc)
I'm taking responsibility for my own care (cleaning house, paying bills, etc)
I'm hanging out with friends
I'm investing in hobbies (in 7 min I head out the door for flight training)
I'm throwing parties, instead of hiding in a corner (throwing a UFC viewing party tonight)

I'm trying to change me, in the hope that W and I have a chance to become friends again, something that I've missed with W for the longest time.

[BigMac]

Operation Get a Life is continuing today.

My day consists of

1. Journaling, and relaxing with some tea out side in the morning
2. Hanging out with S8 while he played TitanFall
3. Going and getting a flying Lesson
4. Inviting some friends over to watch UFC 175 tonight at my place.

Normally I would be all anxious, and honestly I am a little right now. But I am working through it (will probably go upstairs and meditate for a while)

I will say, I have been cycling between being happy with living apart for a year, and working on myself, to just missing her like crazy. This separation stuff is really hard.

[asat82]

Good job on sticking to GAL. I am trying to do the same have been playing guitar a lot this weekend. I miss my wife like crazy as well and just was to talk to her and tell her I would do anything for her, but we have to resist and just change ourselves.

It's hard when she goes back and forth, because I am not good and staying strong when she "needs" me again.

[BigMac]

So, party was a success. Had multiple people over, great conversations and a relaxing good time. I'm continuing to prove to myself that I can GAL. That I can survive and succeed.

Who knows if the W will even notice, but at the end of the day this is for me. Knowing that I can be full and happy on my own. Even if it was only for one night, it's a start.

Even if we do come back together, I need to be this way, as an individual not a dependent spouse.

So yes, today was a win.

[BigMac]

Very weird Twitter post from the W

After a day pretty much alone on the 4th, while I was out with my S8 BBQ'ing at a pool party with friends she posts this

'What are you doing with your life? Get your [censored] together!"

This was not a reply to anything, just a blind post after it looks like 30 min alone at some bar.

I don't want to read into anything here, but spending a holiday alone in a new town (she has been there for 3 months now). I know I'm not supposed to believe anything she says, and only 1/2 of what she does, but that seems like a cry for help. Especially after posting pictures of herself (fishing for compliments like usual).

My course of action is to keep up with the LRT. Continue GAL, Continue to make me awesome and attractive to myself, and maybe her over time.


Am I reading to much into this? Could this be the start of a crack?

[pilot]

Glad to see you have a firm handle on yourself and what you need to work on in regards to yourself. I agree that you should NOT be reading anything into your W's tweets. A million things it could mean so no reason to even try and guess. And even IF she was fishing for compliments, she would not be fishing for yours at this point. Let her have her own journey while you have yours.

Best of luck to you my friend!

[BigMac]

Yeah, she is looking for attention from anyone. Classically W would seek attention and validation externally. Usually by posting selfies to twitter and facebook. The more comments and likes she got the better mood she would be in.

(we both used to be super fat, and she was and still is very insecure about her looks, always looking for external validation).

At this point, I'm just ignoring her (no contact). I think the reality check for her has to be that the validation has to come from herself.

One other point that I'm starting to realize. W would commonly blame me for us "not having a life" even though I would travel the world with her. Since I started addressing my anxiety issues (huge 180 for me) and since she left, I've found that when I am not focused on whether I made her angry or not, my social life is greatly improved.

I just downloaded a book on co-dependent relationships, trying to get more visibility into things. I will say that when we were living together, I would feel so sad all the time. Probably more sad then when I do now. The attachment I had to W just broke my heart every time W and I would fight.

Now that she is gone, I guess I'm growing up and realizing that the only one that I can depend on for my happiness is me. And that if I don't make a conscious effort to be happy, I never will.

[BigMac]

Journalling

One interesting thought, the last connecting email that W sent (on May 17) had a couple very honest points from her.

That was the one where she said she wasn't sure if she ever loved me, and I was the best she could ever get (In my heart of hearts, I am trying to still be the best she can ever get, and then work on building connection and love).

One of the other points she made was that she lost her identity, she had become entirely passive. Everyone in the industry new her as oh your are bigmac's wife. She wanted to find out who she was, what she wanted, etc.

I am finding that I needed that too. I had focused so much of my energies and efforts on her moods, her wants and needs, "US". I was so focused on rekindling our marriage, when honestly she was repressing a whole bunch of crap that she needed to figure out on her own. There was nothing I could do to change that, except change me.

So, just as she didn't know who she was, apparently I had lost who I was. Every single decision about me would be qualified with - will the W like it. As I look at my actions, that is a giant floppy man with no Mojo. It is unattractive, and it is bad for my soul. It led to me taking care of everyone else but me. This was especially worse in the last 2 years or so, when the W got sick. All my energy was focused on taking care of her, and none on me. I lost myself trying to find her.

Internally, in my counseling and reading it has become really apparent that I suffer from self loathing (I was raised by an abusive single mom). As I deal with that, as a take care of me I'm finding that I never want to go back to being dependent on anyone or anything (work is a big one) again. It just makes you feel bad about yourself, and makes you useless to the world.

It is kind of crazy that W and I share some of the same challenges that we are addressing during this separation. It does however work well having compassion for W. I know the past couple days for her must have been really hard. It [censored] to be in a new town, and figure out that you don't have as many friends as you thought. It [censored] to figure out that even though you are beautiful, people will eventually tire of it if there isn't something substantial underneath.

I hope that at some point, we are communicating in an honest open and caring manner enough that it would be safe for both of us to reach out to each other. She was my best friend for 14 years (more realistically, 11 or 12 of those 14 years). These are the times when a best friend is great to have, but because of our own communication and growing up challenges we can't be there for each other... and that is probably the best thing for both of us right now.

[chip247]

Your journey sounds similar in many ways to my own & you give me inspiration to continue with the positive changes I need to make for myself.
Thank you for that

[labug]

It seems you have a good plan of action. Keep at it. The most difficult thing will be to not swoop in and try to save her. She has the ability to save herself.

Compassion is always good.

What does this mean: I just downloaded a book on co-dependent relationships, trying to get more visibility into things.