I just looked at your previous thread to see what I've missed and I read the first post from that thread by mistake. I wondered how you've seen that you've evolved -- or that your sitch has -- since then?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think that, while I'm not 100% there, I am far more detached now. I go about my business, my GAL (still working on that, too), and don't think much nowadays about "winning him back".
I don't remember if I've written about this before, but it feels like our roles are reversed-- he seems stressed, anxious, tired, sad, has been sick a number of times in the last 8 months.
I've been pretty strong, particularly in front of him. He has noticed and complimented me on it.
Totally ambivalent about reconciliation at this point (though who knows-- that could change). But-- I am DBing myself all over the place: with my parents, colleagues, friends. Basically trying to put out the energy I wish to have in return, but without expectations. And remembering that i cannot control anyone but myself.
I know where your coming from. My h is tired, sick, crashed cars, seems less happy and more stressed.
Me I've come round full circle. I was very uncomfortable in my skin, in the beginning, I had no sense of me. No sense of happiness or even directions. It that makes sense.
Now I'm feeling confident. I don't see or feel changed but I am getting people who are noticing. I seem to be getting compliments from people I hardly know. I'm finding it is surprising, but it's a nice surprise. I feel like me and have found comfort in my skin.
I work in retail and and db customers validating trying to listen and solve their drama. Yes, I'm starting to feel peaceful and in control. It's a great feeling isn't it Clare?
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Yeah... though I will admit that my 3 year does know how to push my control buttons...especially when I don't get enough sleep...which is pretty much all the time... which is the number one thing I need to work on...
I am stuck in a terrible sleep cycle and haven't been able to get out of it. But I will.
Wait till 3 becomes 16, they have so much more experience to push buttons. Trust me. Yesterday was good tho, he came to the hair dresser and I think It opened his eyes a bit.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Just checking in/journaling. I've been spending some time reflecting, processing, spending time with my D3, celebrating the beginning of summer! Lots going on...
I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster-- my WAH is frustrating me, but I am also trying very hard to have compassion for him, and to even attempt to be friendly.
I think I'm ambivalent at this point about moving forward with a D. Things are moving very very slowly, and even though he's shown some teeny tiny signs (he's asked questions about me), he's definitely still expressing interest in splitting up (wanting to separate finances, etc).
I've avoided posting about myself b/c I don't even know what feedback I'm looking for. I keep resisting the urge to reach out to him to ask-- after 8 months-- is this really what you want?? Do you still feel that there is absolutely no chance of rebuilding our M?? I want to send him quotes from MWD (I just looked at her FB page, and found so many sentiments that fit us). Even my SIL asked me, "Does he think that there is just someone else out there who will be a perfect partner?"
I realized recently that I was so focused on detaching myself and GAL, I wasn't really doing anything to DB. I had forgotten about my goals, and wasn't really keeping track of anything. So, after being inspired by some others around here, I tested the waters. Positive but fairly cool reaction. I'll take that as a positive, sure. But the real question is why am I still concerned about it in the first place.
I didn't sign up to do this parenting thing alone. I wished to have a second child-- he stole that from me because *he* couldn't handle my depression and anxiety. My heart breaks again every time I hear about another friend who is pregnant, or miss another family event, or remember that I've essentially vanished from his entire life-- most of his family and most of his friends are just completely not in my life anymore.
There's more, but I'm not sure who is out there listening to me. And I'm not even sure what I'm asking.
