Still unsure where you feel I am accepting his crumbs? I didn't see him toss out any cookies either.
I remember shortly after I first started posting to you, I quoted a statement you had made....and then I simply asked you why. You had made references about fearing you would rush him. And I asked why you were afraid. Here's what I saw you do: You tuned out what others were saying and even the rest of what I had said, and focused on one word. I sat back quietly watching you make a MOUNTAIN out of me asking you "why".
You are doing it again, Magic. A poster made a small comment at the end of a post, and you are not really hearing anything else. You are obsessing over ONE WORD!!!
I am going to make a suggestion and I am dead serious about it. I think you should get professional help with this problem you have with obsessiving. It seems to be a very large stumbling block. It affects your ability to retain information from what you read. (Was this a problem when you were younger, in school, etc.?). How much has it affected relationships in your life.
Living and/or working with a person who obsesses to the extent you seem to do could really be challenging for the other person. I have to wonder if that is why you can't let go and move forward, and why you take every little action from him and analyze it to death.
If this Is something you can't seem to control, it must be hell for you! You are trying hard to not act upon your feelings, but your brain can't stop spinning. I can't imagine the exhaustion you have experienced in one day. I don't know how you are able to drift off to sleep at night.
If this is true, then my heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug. Seriously, I am very concerned about you. Have you ever had any type of therapy in the past, or taken medication? Have you ever been tested for adult ADD?
I know you take a lot of heat from frustrated posters trying to make a breakthrough. I think you admitted to having a communication problem. Have you ever tried to get some type of help to see why? I mean, you are an intelligent woman, Magic, but there just seems to be something hindering. Yes, you seem very co-dependent! Maybe a good therapist could help you. Maybe an evaluation could be done to see if you are living with an added burden ......and get help.
Now I did not say all of that to add worry on top of your stress. I hope you won't think I am being unkind. I just believe it would help you to at least get into therapy to deal with your stitch, and get some peace of mind.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Tx Sandi... however, I thought the point was for me to see where I "was" accepting a cookie. Guess not. I was really trying to listen to what the poster was suggesting & looking for the truth in it. I didn't want to dismiss it.
I won't obsess about it any further.
It is exhausting fighting myself to not act upon my immediate feelings...therefore I am constantly "watching" for it now. I am learning to incorporate a new behaviour. #1 is maintaining self value. I can find it and hold it.... for about 10 mins, then it wants to slide to accommodate. SO.. I am really watching myself.
Yes, I have had some therapy. Definitely need more, but the funds aren't there to continue. I must do this work by myself anyway.
As you all say...keep the focus back on me.
The more I can try to focus on my self worth/goals. The better it is for me. Knowing what I ultimately want & not be willing to settle for anything less, is a healthy thought. Seeing him for the shell of the person I thought he was, is a healthy thought. He is super focused on how to purchase a property that is going into foreclosure (possibly this week). He is not capable of reviewing his emotional state throughout this transaction & has managed to put it on the back burner. He is overwhelmed & exhausted. He has said many times that after this deal is done, he plans on having a life. A life that includes social times & vacations.
Back to me.... I am learning about "impeccable word". That if someone says something to you and you are vulnerable to it...you believe it. This has happened to me!! Believing that "HE" doesn't want me, makes me feel undesirable.... Now, I have to retrain that thought into believing that I am. and... I AM!! I believe and know that I am a desirable catch. I know this on the inside, I just need to know how to wear it on the outside. I understand that people with confidence are attractive.
I am learning about "don't take things personally". I understand now that HIS MLC, has NOTHING to do with me. Its his!! Somehow, along the way... I decided to take this personally. I need to take that belief out of my thoughts.
I am learning about "don't make assumptions". I tend to do this a lot & am usually very wrong. I am trying to keep this at my forefront & state to myself "I just don't know, so don't assume".
I am learning to "always do your best"... I must learn to trust that MY best, is good enough... good enough for me & that is enough. To feel good about what I do & my efforts/ways. I have lived many years being told that my best wasn't good enough. This is a message that runs deep. This is why I have pretzeled myself trying to please HIM. This message to self goes deep and takes me back to the impeccable word. I have believed this message. I need to retrain this thought. This message could also be about himself. That he feels inadequate & took it out on me...who knows (not going to assume).
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Last night I ran into an old male friend from HS. He was mentioning that his wife and him were having some trouble about a year ago (she was MLC) and when he decided enough was enough, she smartened up. He also said that I am still drop dead gorgeous & intentionally would walk by my parents house hoping to see me while walking his dog.
I am thankful that he found me still attractive & to hear that he would walk by my parents house surprised me. (glad that didn't happen, I am not a marriage wrecker).
I tend to allow others to give me my self worth (especially Xbf) & not to be responsible for it on my own. Yes, I know I am lucky to be attractive & thin at this stage in life. However, I am more than whats on the outside (that people see)... there is so much more to me than the physical. I know this, but fear others won't take the time to see this.... like my xbf has/does.
I know it would be easy to allow another man to tell me how beautiful I am & to be sucked into believing it from him....but, until I believe it for myself, its not going to make me realize my own self-value.... I must do the work.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I tend to allow others to give me my self worth (especially Xbf) & not to be responsible for it on my own. Yes, I know I am lucky to be attractive & thin at this stage in life
I understand more than you know. But here's my question.....what about in another 20 yrs? When you look in the mirror and see some old woman you don't know.
It's not easy to see youth and beauty leave! Suddenly, you discover you're a senior citizen and when you walk down the mall everywhere you look are clothes/pictures advertising for younger, attractive bodies. Just observe on your next shopping trip and see if stores have big posters of old women modeling their swimwear. Of course not, nobody wants to see that! You cannot base your worth on your attractiveness. Why? B/c the day will eventually come when it's gone. Will that mean your value is gone too?
If you don't find some means of helping yourself find your own value, I dare say you will be vulnerable to having your own MLC, and turning to male attention to receive admiration, hoping to feel better. If you don't have something else to ground you.....something inside you that demands respect, you will crash & burn.
I think my mother had allowed her self worth to partly come from my dad. I didn't know it until he died and began seeing a less confident woman. Which, I suppose, could be natural in some ways. I have seen pictures of my mother in her young adulthood, and she was not just beautiful.....she was gorgeous! I grew up believing she had more spunk, pride, will-power & drive than anyone I had ever known. (Unless it was her mother.) At 88 she survived a stroke, and the day she was able to walk over to the mirror and see herself, she shook her head in disbelief and said, "I look like an old woman!". She had to live 88 yrs and suffer a stroke....but old age finally caught up with even her. And you know, I think it hit her kind of hard b/c she had always looked so young and attractive. I don't know why I told this story, it just was on my mind.
I wish I could tell you how or what to do, Magic, to have a deeper sense of self-worth. Maybe you are becoming more aware......with the board pointing out some self-defeating behaviors. I know of one valuable life that was given for you. To Him, you were worth it.........but that is my belief. It is what you believe that makes the difference.
I think there is some reason. I think something or someone caused you to feel so rejected and undesired that you bought it as being the truth. You gave that person or experience the power to shred your self-worth. It came with a high price, didn't it?
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
honestly... "once he gets through (blah, blah), he will come back" ... Is what plays in my head but I don't know that for fact. It is called hope & many of the posters on this board have it.
I continue to have hope... I am not banking on it.
I continue to find ways to drop the rope, and uncling from his pant leg. I actually look at each situation/conversation & find a way out.
During this past weekend, it was difficult to not want to be involved in all the hoopla of his business investment/strategy. He kept me informed of his thoughts & how he was going to present the offer, etc. I just listened. He is scared. Scared that if he doesn't buy this place that he will be overwhelmed more than ever & will never get out of the state he is in. The only question I really had was about what it will mean to me as a partner (cost). He said that he would only charge our business for heat, hydro & taxes. That he is not trying to profit off our company. This sounds fair.
It is so unlike me to not hound him with 1000 questions & my point of view. I am really taking a back seat to all of this.
Struggling, although doing it... replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
With some people, there will always be some reason or another why they can't/won't do something. It's because they don't really want to do those things. Actions always speak louder than words.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi MM, I understand that you are "trying" to change your thoughts and actions. I still see that you are so attached to getting HIM to see how wonderful you are and if he doesn't, that you feel rejected or somehow that makes you less "attractive" or that you must be somehow "lacking". This isn't true! Stop putting your self worth into how Xbf or ANYONE else see's you or thinks of you! If after 20 years together he can just stop feeling "love" for you or chooses to just throw away so much shared history, that is a reflection of HIM, not you! Mature love requires effort on both sides. He refuses to make that effort and HE is poorer for it, NOT YOU!
Until you can stop tying your own self worth to what HE thinks of you or your R, you will never move forward. You need to start to see his games for what they are, his way of feeling good about himself that he can control you. He is a damaged person. The way he has treated you, his partner of so many years, the person who was there for him through thick and thin shows he isn't worthy of you and all that you can bring into his life, not the other way around. And until you are able to stop proving to him that, like you said, you want to be there for him and help him, he will never be able to see what life without you always being available when he needs you, on HIS terms, is like, he will see you as LESS than him!
What would you think of a guy who was pursuing you, even after you have made it CLEAR to him you had no desire for him? Who you have told many times in many ways he just isn't someone you want in your life? You would laugh at him and tell all your girlfriends what a jerk he is! You would think there must be something wrong with him that he just can't understand you aren't interested in him but he keeps making a fool out of himself chasing after you. Until you stop chasing your exbf, you are no different than that guy. At this point the past history you have with him doesn't matter. He has decided to see that time differently than you remember it anyway.
Time to GAL apart from him and keep moving AWAY from him. Drop the hope along with the rope. Except that he just isn't able to see you for the great person you are, at least not now. If that were ever to change you will know it and if you have your own life apart from him, it would be up to you whether you will take him back into your life if that ever happens!
Good advice!! It is your hope that stops you from really turning lose of the rope, Magic.
STOCKDALE PARADOX:
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
hmmmm... I am not sure that I want to give up complete hope... but, I am willing to put it ... way over >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>there.
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Progress: Not indulging in his attempt to "chat" about "his" real estate dilemma. He even was trying to be light hearted & called it "ours", if "we" get the place.
...... whatever
I barely lifted my head from the computer to acknowledge the convo. He eventually left the office & went back to work outside.
When I texted later to inform him of a client deposit, he texted back "great, cheers"... didn't acknowledge that either.
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I can't be bothered to be "involved" in things that don't involve me... as much as I "want" to be... the reality is that these are the "things" that keep me hooked/there. I don't want to subject myself to this kind of stuff anymore. If we are done, then "we" are done.
I sure hope this is progress.
My friend pointed out tonight that her son is causing her grief and treating her poorly. Her comment is "I love you, but"... I love you but, I will not allow you to treat me like this. Unacceptable. I understand that statement (she loves him dearly...its her son!!). I can now put context to what I need/continue to do as well.
"I love him, but..."
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
She had to live 88 yrs and suffer a stroke....but old age finally caught up with even her. And you know, I think it hit her kind of hard b/c she had always looked so young and attractive. I don't know why I told this story, it just was on my mind.