Is he stressed or is it the R? How to cope?

[LisaB]

Hi DBers!
I hope you can give me a few words of advice. Sorry in advance for the long saga.

My H and I have been married only a short time, 4 years. But we have had a wonderful R for the most part. He is typically extremely loving and a really good guy.

Recently (about 6 mo ago) he switched jobs to one that is very stressful, but it also has quite a social aspect (the team spends a lot of time outside of work together). He enjoys the exciting work environment and the social aspect of parties and celebrations. However all this time spent at work negatively impacts the amount of time we spend together.

The job has become even more stressful in the past month and my S has been withdrawn and moody and is having aches and pains that he never had before.
But the main issue is that he has withdrawn from the R. When first I realized it I initially reacted with a lot of anger and asked him why he was behaving so rudely. At the time I didn't realize how stressed he was. This led to a huge argument and in the end he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to continue the R, and had a list of things he didn't like about me and the R. "I don't have the same feelings for you" and "I don't know if or how we can solve these problems" was also said but never said directly that he wanted to leave or D, but I feel he has one foot out the door.

I took his complaints to heart and realized there were some things I could work on. However some of the complaints seemed quite trivial or not "deal-breakers" as they say.

Since these revelations about 2 weeks ago, he has been very cold, distant and barely around (comes home very late etc). I have tried putting my best DB forward by doing a 180, especially when it came to things he complained about, GAL and especially acting AS IF.

But I am having a hard time keeping that happy face when he is being so cold and distant. We have moments where he seems to be opening up and being friendly or loving, but then the next day will become cold and uncaring again. I can't tell if this distant behavior is due to the R or due to his work stress??? If his coldness and distant behavior is due mostly to stress then how do I know if my AS IF, GAL, 180 etc behavior is working or not working? Are things getting better, worse or staying the same?

I'm guessing that I should just keep doing the AS IF and GAL and giving him space especially until this stressful period is over. But does anyone have additional advice about dealing with extreme stress (unrelated to the R) and DB? I feel I should be supportive of him during the stressful time with work but his coldness is very hard to handle. We are still living together and sleeping in the same bed. It is very emotional for me as I am sure a lot of you can understand.


Do any of you wonderful DBers have any advice or special tips for me for dealing with an overworked, stressed S? Many thanks, Lisa

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[LisaB]

Hi Cadet, Thank you for your reply!
Indeed he has given me the gift of time, and I have no choice but to GAL. He said he wanted space and moved out this weekend. I am not sure if he simply wanted a break or if he thinks this is the end.

I guess it doesn't really matter what he plans or thinks since things will go how they go. I am trying to focus on myself and as you said, GAL and detach from him and this drama.

Thanks again for your reply and tips!
Love, Lisa

[Cadet]

Have you read DR or DB?

How old are you and your husband?

Take the list that he has and work on the things that sting YOU, the changes you make are for YOU, to make YOU into the best person possible.
A person that only a fool would leave.

[LisaB]

Thanks Cadet!
My husband is 30 and I am 32.

I have taken his list of complaints and tried to get to work on the things I know I should change for myself. Of course he was right about some of his complaints, I recognized that I had not been doing/being my best in some ways.

However, with GAL I am also remembering that I am quite amazing and he is lucky to have me just as I am! So there!

He moved out yesterday but oddly he left his dirty laundry on the floor next to the bed and his stuff everywhere. If I was leaving someone I would either take everything or at least put my stuff hidden away. But I guess everyone is different. I threw a lot of his junk in boxes this morning to get it out of my face. I like that the house is cleaner already.

Thanks again for your support and advice! I really appreciate it.
Love, Lisa

[LisaB]

Oh and yes I have read DB. Michelle is a genius as far as I am concerned.

[LisaB]

OK, the plot thickens perhaps. I just found out that he is interested in someone he works with. I sensed that there was more going on since he was so reluctant to work on our issues.
He does not know that I know. I had asked him directly if there was someone else and he said no.
But I found out he is interested in someone and was trying to decide between me and her, the one he knows (me) or the unknown (the OW).

I'm not sure what to do. I am not communicating with him at this point but I feel like telling him I know and also telling him to come get all his [censored] and give me the house keys and never ever call me again.

But I know that is probably not the best move.

I am not feeling so happy right now.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Lisa,

I'm sorry you find yourself here although the support of this board is wonderful. This is just my 2 cents, I would say nothing about OW at this time. You are giving him space so let him work through his feelings. If or when that topic comes up, then that may change things. As of right now, there is no way to bring up this knowledge without sounding confrontational. Just tuck it away for now.

Only you can decide what is a deal breaker for you. For now, I would just focus on you. Others may have different opinions.

[LisaB]

Hi Georgiabelle,
Thank you so much for your support. I just found out today (by snooping) and so he doesnt know that I know about the OW. I suspected an AE and flirtation with this coworker but I never said anything to him about it. I guess I expected he would lie, get defensive and make it about me anyway so I just hoped it wasn't true.

The first hour after I found out I had a major desire to tell him that he was disgusting, but I am DB indoctrinated enough to realize that I should just keep quiet and see what happens. Always better to think first and act later.

Thanks for your advice, I agree I need to just focus on myself, and I am trying to do so. What a bummer to find out that he has not been honest with me on top of being confused about our R. But at least this discovery explains a lot of his behaviors in the past month as he has fallen for this OW.

Not such a happy day today unfortunately.
Thanks again for your support.
Love, Lisa

[Maybell]

Lisa, so sorry you find yourself here. You sound amazing for all the craziness that has hit you so recently.

I don't have a lot of advice for the moment but will keep an eye on things as they unfold, and know that I wish you the best.