Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

[PeterV2]

She then tells me that she told the OM that I played and sang this song for her. She told me that he got very upset and said he hates that song now.

Bravo! Nothing like using music to enrage the savage beast. Brilliant, if inadvertent.
First of all, get off the dating site. It's not doing you any good. It's giving her a reason to justify leaving you. Seems like you have a lot of good things going for you here. But you will still have to deal with her feelings and lack of forgiveness for your infidelity 5 years a go. I would meet that one head on - maybe safer to do with your MC.

[sandi2]

Let us hear something from you.

[Eatsma]

I heard something kind of similar about 8 months ago. Totally not okay with me. Things are shifting - you can read my story in my thread.

Good luck. These things are tricky. My best advice is to detach as best you can.

Have you read The Divorce Remedy? I've found that to be enormously helpful....

[mindsin]

She's now pushing for legal separation (co-habiting). She's very upset that I contacted the OMW behind her back. She says I don't trust her (no kidding I don't). She agrees that divorce is a big decision not to be taken lightly and we agreed to separate for several months and see where we are after then. She refuses to stop seeing the OM, but I can't push her on that subject (she only gets more defensive).

I also cannot give her the idea that I'm "looking around". I want to give her the impression that I'm still hurt over this, but I'm ready to move on if she leaves. I gave her full indication that I'm still going through the emotional shock of the situation. I've also found comfort talking with her father, whom she has told me (and the OM) that he is the only man she trusts 100%. Her father is opposed to the affair and wants nothing more than for her and I to work things out.

[MrBond]

"I also cannot give her the idea that I'm "looking around". I want to give her the impression that I'm still hurt over this, but I'm ready to move on if she leaves. I gave her full indication that I'm still going through the emotional shock of the situation. I've also found comfort talking with her father, whom she has told me (and the OM) that he is the only man she trusts 100%. Her father is opposed to the affair and wants nothing more than for her and I to work things out."

Just to be honest here. What makes you the moral authority? I mean you cheated on her multiple times and then you told her that you never really loved her, etc. I mean, I have a feeling you just swept things under the rug without really understanding how much she hurt over what you did.

I notice you focus ALOT on what she's doing wrong now, but haven't really addressed your problems that caused it. I have a feeling that she never really got over the A's you had and still can't trust you.

Have you even read DB or DR? What work have you done to yourself and address the issues of your M?

[25yearsmlc]

The phrase "father figure" was really jarring to me. I'm very curious why you (or your W) would use that term.

Sorry you are in this situation. You will find great advice (but also hard questions to ask yourself) here.

Because she and I both know that I'm an amazing father, and she also knows that even if she ultimate leaves me, that won't change.

Well, WNY would it ever change? You are their dad, right? So why would you stop being a good father if she leaves you --to punish her? (??)

And btw< I think your excuse that you must not have been in love with her or you would not have cheated so much, is a lie you are now telling yourself -- b /c you are finally confronting the fact that she is doing something so wrong -

but which you have done to her a number of times.

So if she's a lousy person for doing it to you, then YOU must be a lousy fellow for having done it to her so often...

OR maybe you just were not in love....

Come on, man up & own your stuff and work on it - or stay stuck in victimhood.

I'm sorry but for me, that ^^ seems like the silliest thing I've read in a long time. I know you are in deep pain, but you must confront the fact that you inflicted this exact same pain on her, more than once

and now you are citing HER FATHER as the moral authority who "thinks it's wrong" (does he know about your cheating adventures?)

and you simply keep glossing over your own sins -that is not helping anything. It just seems very hypocritical & convenient for you to come up with your new theory.

The idea that 'minimal effort" was made to fix the underlying problems causing the cheating, seems not to have sunk in that it was YOUR effort to make, not hers. Ever wonder if it's merely a character flaw in you? You may want to put it at the top of your list of things to change in YOU.

What is it you really want from her, b/c I don't think it's actually a restored marriage. Is it?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I think for you to turn this around will take a lot of bravery in you. I am not sure you have it. No offense but it means putting your pride aside and really owning how deeply you wounded your wife and how often you did it,

and you did it for what? Not some "soul mate" but for your ego or some sexual interests or whatever, but the times you slide over that pain you inflicted and ignored, and just took for granted that she owed you forgiveness, which you are not at all willing to do for her,

just smacks so much of hypocrisy I have to ask if you are from a different culture than Western ones. B/c it's such a double standard, is it something you grew up with?

Secondly, here is a letter a walk away wife wrote to a man on this site. The man was a h who wanted his wife back, but she had told him how she really felt in their marriage and he still wondered why she would not give him another chance. Here is what another walk away wife wrote to that man...


FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED, AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET - AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "win".

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her, and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
__________

[25yearsmlc]

"I also cannot give her the idea that I'm "looking around". I want to give her the impression that I'm still hurt over this, but I'm ready to move on if she leaves.

So YOU are "still hurt"? What about her?

Um, why not share with her how you now realize how devastated SHE must have been when you kept cheating on her so casually?

Tell her you "get it now" and that it'll never happen again b/c you know how deeply wounding it feels. And That you are really truly sorry and that you never realized her value to you until now, now that you may lose her. And you are so sorry...

What do you have to lose by putting yourself out there? Seems to me your wounded pride is not helping you much at all.


I gave her full indication that I'm still going through the emotional shock of the situation.

What does that^^ mean? That if it's done to YOU it's worse? This is so self serving it would make me run from you if I were in her shoes. I think your approach to this is backwards.


I've also found comfort talking with her father, whom she has told me (and the OM) that he is the only man she trusts 100%. Her father is opposed to the affair and wants nothing more than for her and I to work things out."

What did he think about your affairs? What are you willing to do to win your wife back? What if there are no guarantees (b/c there are none in life, but there never were.)

Perhaps You thought she'd put up with your cheating forever, but you really just taught her to do it...so now you have to model for her what forgiveness looks like and what a redeemed man (a changed man) is so she can trust you again.

Just to be honest here. What makes you the moral authority? I mean you cheated on her multiple times and then you told her that you never really loved her, etc. I mean, I have a feeling you just swept things under the rug without really understanding how much she hurt over what you did.

I notice you focus ALOT on what she's doing wrong now,

Actually, I think you exclusively focus on HER wrong doing. And it's a startling lack of insight on your part to do that.

I know you are in pain and you're surprised by it. But to gloss over the way you treated her is something very foolish of you to do. You'll just find yourself in this same situation again, with her or other women, if you learn nothing.


This marriage thing, it takes work and bravery. Are you hard working and brave? B/C those are the people who make this journey worth their while. And it IS worth it.


but haven't really addressed your problems that caused it. I have a feeling that she never really got over the A's you had and still can't trust you.

Have you even read DB or DR? What work have you done to yourself and address the issues of your M?

What Bond said^^^ For her to have let OM into her heart was the direct byproduct of her losing faith and trust in YOU...do you see that?

So please do the work and you will get a ton of support here. But we don't mince words and if you gloss over things, YOU lose out on what could be a very enriching experience, which can come out of this painful ordeal.

The folks who really benefit from this site are the ones who dig deep and do the hard lifting and --- we come out of this on the other side, a lot wiser, a lot kinder, a lot more loving, and a lot happier.

That peace is attainable and worthy of great effort. I suggest you do it for real. You'll be glad you did -- and you'll always regret it if you don't.

[Riley]

Mindsin,

What's the update? You need to help us help you. I read that you had an A before, that can seriously jeopardize trust so repairing the damage and understanding the causes will help you as a person. I dont remember reading about 180s that you were doing so please respond with action oriented plans you have or will have. This is your time to give the S room to breath and miss you, and remind the spouse by your actions of who you are.

Goodluck brother

[mindsin]

Here is my latest update

Wife and I are getting along OK now. We're still housemates and everything else seems to be carrying along like normal as far as our day to day routines.

I did have one slip up the other night when I caught her talking to the OM on the phone at midnight. I eavesdropped for a few minutes and it was really heartbreaking to hear the way she was talking to him.

I confronted her and asked if she had no shame. She is talking sweetly and lovingly to another man sitting on the first piece of furniture we bought together, while her husband and kids are asleep upstairs. She got defensive, and I did my best to avoid an argument. We agreed the conversation was not constructive and went up to bed (separate rooms).

The other day I called her out for the lack of attention she gives our children which has been gradually getting worse for months. She spends a lot of time/attention on her smartphone and is also addicted to online shopping.

She has made a bit of a turnaround in both areas. She says she will swear off online shopping and focus on the kids. I think the other goal for me is for her to return as the loving mom she once was.

I still give her all the space and time she wants. She wants to freely see the OM so I don't really object. She can see the displeasure in my face, and I think a little bit of her might feel guilty. This is really the hardest part for me, as I really want to put my foot down and say "enough"! I feel like I'm simply enabling her to eat her cake too. But I do not want to incite any arguments with her. She gets extremely defensive and argumentative any time I criticize the OM or their R.

I've been really stepping up around the household. I now do the majority of the chores and she has taken notice and thanked me from time to time.

I've also been interviewing for a better job and finally leaving the company she's been telling me for years I should leave. She notices the effort and is helping me along the process -- always asking me about interviews I've been on, giving me tips, etc.

I reinforce the idea that even though she's in an affair, I am still being faithful to her. She encourages me to date, but I refuse, saying that she's still my wife and I promised myself to remain faithful (since 2011, when I finally stopped seeing escorts). The other day, I went out with a friend who she knows is my "strip club buddy". I only went out to dinner with him and went straight home. She knows this, but didn't acknowledge it.

I've also been taking good care of her elderly parents and showing them much more respect than I have in the past. She jokes with her dad saying, "So you two are like best friends now?".