What to do

[sandi2]

When I was so addicted to contacting OM, I found it was incredibly difficult to stop once I knew I had to end things. Even though I was the WAW, this board gave me the strength to get through those times I felt so weak. I knew contacting him was at the tip of my fingers. But I came here and read and posted.......read and posted. I wasn't getting much sleep, either. Surprisingly, nobody told me to go away and stop coming to the board. What I'm saying is that we are your support system, Ben. Use the board for support. I know of no other people that can identify with your stitch like the folks here.

When your W said "everyone" tells her to get out of the R..........you know how we women are. We always say things like "never, everyone, all the time, and.......always".
It could have been as many as two people who did not argue with her, and she said it was everyone. WAW's listen to who they believe will support what she wants. I know I did. And her parents will stand by her, regardless, b/c she is their D. It's just the way it is. But you cannot judge what will happen on what she says, what she does, or how many supporters she has. Okay?

If it helps, I was very torn and confused. I changed my mind a thousand times a day. Now what may seem odd is that it was not my LBH that talked me into staying in the M. Remember, he could do nothing right, in my eyes. It was, however, total strangers who got my attention and told me the truth of what was happening to me.....and what was needed to get through the mess I was in.

I want you to listen especially to this part, Ben. I was raised in a strict, Christian environment. I had never sown wild oats, as people say. I had been like a model daughter. Not model W maybe, but I'd say a very "proper" W. At least in my VP. . But I gradually slipped over a line I should have prevented. You see, Christians can sin too. In spite of my waywardness, my conscious still spoke to me. The night I found this board? I had originally looked for a Christian forum b/c I was reaching out for somebody to help me. Just happens that the particular one I found was sorry and I told them off and left 'em. See how bad I am? But that same night I actually "stumbled" across the DB board. Need I say more?

Of couse I will say more, b/c I wanted to tell you to not put your faith in your W or any other person. Put it in the One who can work all things together for your good. By that, I don't mean you should do nothing, I'm just saying that you cannot say anything to change her mind right now. Nothing! Even if she was pressured enough to return, you can't make her love you.

How long it may take, or what it will take, or if anything changes her decision, IDK. God will not force her against her volition. But He sure has way of getting the help if she ever reaches out. Maybe........and probably not through you, but your part is fixing yourself while these other things work together. As Cadet says, she has given you a gift of time. Use it to become the best man you can be. Really!

Btw, when you are told to chill, it doesn't mean to not take this stitch seriously! It means that you cannot continue to operate out of emotions. You will crash and burn. We can tell you things to help, if you'll listen and apply. But you must operate from your "will" and not feelings. Yes, you are going to feel a lot of bad, but don't act on it.

The majority of newcomers seem to be LBH'S. So read other threads and post every day as many times as you want.

Work with the doctor b/c loss of sleep causes other problems. Depression is common.....and can become serious if not treated. That was only a portion of my problem. I was in so much pain that I was looking for some escape. So, be wise.

The church thing should be what you feel is comfortable. Just don't stop going to some church somewhere. That's not how to handle it. Doing like you did last time was a good start. No pressure, no expectations. Be pleasant if she speaks, but don't over kill. Continue in your growth.

P.S. It was a long time before I was ready to reach out for help.

[Ben2010]

I appreciate your kind words Sandi.

I just had a breakdown in front of my boss and he pulled me aside to talk to me. Told me that he will help me in any way that he can.

I know that she speaks in absolutes right now, but its still hard to accept. The counselor today was even telling me how hard it will be to overcome her family. I have done it before, they told her not to marry me before we got married. Now Im sure they are telling her "we told you so." I dont even know why they would say that about me to begin with. I guess no one is good enough for their daughter.

If it helps, I was very torn and confused. I changed my mind a thousand times a day. Now what may seem odd is that it was not my LBH that talked me into staying in the M. Remember, he could do nothing right, in my eyes. It was, however, total strangers who got my attention and told me the truth of what was happening to me.....and what was needed to get through the mess I was in.

The problem with this is that she isnt reaching out to anyone except her family. I wish she would do some reading or reach out to the preacher in our church. I dont think I would want her to come here though. Then she might stumble accross my post and realize what Im trying to do and see how desperate I am, that when she sees me its only a show because I dont want to breakdown in front of her.

I pray everynight for God to soften her heart and guide her towards reconciliation. I know he cant make her love me, but he can lead her in the right direction or prod her. I know she loves me now or it wouldnt be a separation, it would be D proceedings already.

I know that I cant affect what she will do or how long it will take. I will still continue my C and medication. I have been hanging out over at my brother's house lately and will hang out with him again tonight to kind of clear my mind of this. It only helps moderately. Im trying to do 180s, I would never go shopping before because I dont like it. When she found out that I went to get new clothes, she told me that it pissed her off. That I would never do that before. I just said that I needed some new clothes.

I also would not want her to return by way of pressure. I want her to come back because she realizes that she wants me in her life as a H. I find it very hard to not operate based on emotions as this is all I feel right now. I have never cried so much about anything in all my life. Funny because she always used to complain that when we broke up before that I never cried for her like I did a previous GF. Ironically I cry way more over her. You guys help me try to keep going and I thank all of you for it. Its not even something that you could put a price on.

I will not turn to drugs or alcohol if thats what you mean by way of escape. I dont like either of them. I dont think that I can attend our church this Sunday as I told her that we shouldnt talk and I think it will look like I have collapsed. I will go to the other church and ler her have her space. This way she wont be forced into talking to me to keep up appearances.

Thanks for all your insight Sandi. It means alot.

[Nettles]

The counselor did say that she might be angry because she knows that we shouldnt be separated right now and doesnt want to feel guilty. He also said that she might be wanting a D even though she hasnt said that she did, but that she is too afraid to face the confrontation.

I'm surprised your IC would say these things to you. These don't seem to be helpful comments to what you need to do

Based upon my experience, Ben, you need to guide your IC to discuss you and not try to fix the M. My IC wanted to go there and I would have to lead the conversation back to me.

From your first post, there seem to be several topics you and IC could be working on:

1. Porn
2. Massive mood swings
3. Always been mean to her

Have these been discussed? You write a lot about missing her, dealing with it, etc. What are you doing about the above?

From what you've written Ben, I don't think you are dealing with the "typical" WAS here. I honestly believe she wants things to be better with you. You still have to do the work like everyone else on here, but you have someone who is actively looking for and wanting these changes. Most LBSs on here don't have that. Keep working. You can do this.

[Ben2010]

Thanks Nettles. Always love to hear what you think too.

I didnt understand that either from the IC. It felt like kicking me when I was down. I think he was just being brutally honest though.

1.Porn- we discussed this today and its weird but I really have not looked at it at all since she left. I have found some helpful things to read to keep me off of it. It seems to be pretty easy right now, but I am not taking it at face value as this is not something that I ever want to backslide on. Right now this is the thing that I am most proud of that I have been working on. A bonus is that Im pretty sure its her biggest concern too. I thought it would be harder than it has been and I am thankful that it hasnt been. I do have a fear though that I may have just been drawn to doing something that I could be caught for.

2.Massive mood swings-I am on Wellbutrin right now and it seems to be helping with this other than the fact that I cannot get any sleep on it.

3. Always been mean to her-This I am going through anger management right now for, but the C says that he thinks it may all be linked to the shame I feel from porn and deceiving her. The Wellbutrin may also affect this as I have been diagnosed with depression which creates anxiety and turns into anger.

I am glad that you see it that way. I also thought that at first that she wasnt the "typical" WAW. I pray that you are right and that I dont have to go through a full blown crisis here. I am glad that this situation happened for one reason-it woke me up to things that I would have never faced before. I told my W this when she said that she wished that this didnt happen. I said that I didnt because of the above reason. I will continue to work on this with everything that I have. Again I cant say this enough, you guys are the best support group I could have. So many different outlooks on things but always great advice.

[sandi2]

Well wasn't suggesting she comes to the board. I was trying to encourage you by telling how it helped me. And the way or source I reached for may be different with her.

By escaping my unhappiness, I turned to online chatting. But sometimes people leave the MR b/c they are trying to get out of the unhappiness they feel.

She may get really angry at your changes, at first. It's typical b/c you waited until she left. It takes time for her to work through this stuff.

I hope you will get involved in some type of activity (hobby, friends, gym, etc.) that will get you out of the house.

[Nettles]

I didnt understand that either from the IC. It felt like kicking me when I was down. I think he was just being brutally honest though.

Mind reading. Even with his fancy degrees, he doesn't know. I'd like to kick him...

1.Porn- we discussed this today and its weird but I really have not looked at it at all since she left. I have found some helpful things to read to keep me off of it. It seems to be pretty easy right now, but I am not taking it at face value as this is not something that I ever want to backslide on. Right now this is the thing that I am most proud of that I have been working on. A bonus is that Im pretty sure its her biggest concern too. I thought it would be harder than it has been and I am thankful that it hasnt been. I do have a fear though that I may have just been drawn to doing something that I could be caught for.

Great that you are working on it. And you thought it would be harder? See what a good 2x4 will do? A gift from W to you. I hope you and IC will go into the highlighted portions deeper.

2.Massive mood swings-I am on Wellbutrin right now and it seems to be helping with this other than the fact that I cannot get any sleep on it.

3. Always been mean to her-This I am going through anger management right now for, but the C says that he thinks it may all be linked to the shame I feel from porn and deceiving her. The Wellbutrin may also affect this as I have been diagnosed with depression which creates anxiety and turns into anger.

What do you mean "going through anger management"? Obviously a lot going on here, but it looks like you are working on it.

[Ben2010]

Yeah I do appreciate that from her. It could be one of the best gifts ever. Im not sure about that last part that I put about the porn or not. I hope that isnt the case because then its just a whole new issue. Im going through an anger management workbook with my counselor right now. We are doing one module a week. It seems to help me understand it and be able to start to catch myself when I feel a bad reaction coming on. Im sure it will get better. In other news I have decided to go to a cosmetic dentist and get my teeth fixed. The front 2 have always been an issue for me. They are crooked and keep me from wanting to smile and show my teeth. I think this could be a real confidence booster for me. The W always tried to make me feel better about them and tell me that no one notices them, but I notice them and this is for me.

[Thornton]

You're doing good man! Owning up to your issues. The key is to make these changes for YOU. Not in hopes of the changes bringing WAW back. If you are doing them for her, they won't stick.

Keep working hard, don't give up, and be the best you that you can.

[Ben2010]

I was just saying that I would hope that she wouldnt for my sake lol. Im not even sure she is going to reach out for any help other than her family.

By escaping my unhappiness, I turned to online chatting. But sometimes people leave the MR b/c they are trying to get out of the unhappiness they feel.

This is what I think has happened here. We have turned in to roommates as of late and neither one of us like it.

She may get really angry at your changes, at first. It's typical b/c you waited until she left. It takes time for her to work through this stuff.

Well this one about me shopping was maybe a bit for her...I did want new clothes and I took your advice and got some new cologne, turns out its the same cologne her BIL who died last year wore...She was very close to him. I have also been making an effort to keep the house clean. Not that hard with just me, imagine that. But she still has not come by the house since she left so she wouldnt even see this yet. It does make me feel good to actually be clean instead of stacking up coke cans on the coffee table.



I hope you will get involved in some type of activity (hobby, friends, gym, etc.) that will get you out of the house.

Like I said earlier, I am trying to get my brother to start playing Frisbee Golf with me. He has never played and is not very athletic, but I think he will for me. I dont think its a good idea for me to go to the gym because of the incident where she saw me at the gym with another girl. I think it would rehash some bad memories for her. Instead I have Insanity at the house now just waiting to be used.

[Ben2010]

Thanks Thorn, Im trying. At first I will admit I was doing this mostly for her. Then after much thought and consideration I decided that I need to make changes that I want to make not for her. Some of the changes I am making are also ones that she wants too though. The porn thing is a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and IMO the thing that she hates the most. Im also trying to stop being critical of other people. I wont lie, I have been an a$$hole alot and very judgemental. I dont like this, so Im changing it. She has never really mentioned any problems with this, so another one that is just for me. It is very hard to stop myself from judging people because Ive been doing it for so long. Its a work in progress.