I have read db and read sandis rules over and over.
Starsky, the proof i have are texts that went back and forth. She left her computer on one day, and the text were emailed to herself. At first, I didnt want to show her but she kept denying the facts. Lied to me over and over about the A. As for her marriage complaints, she says that I lost my ambition in life. Is it valid? Well, I am a working man, and I work everyday to provide for us. We have a small cafe and I poured my heart into it to make it successful. It is successful now. Took a couple of years to have it run on it's own. During that time I focused on the business mainly, but always thought that we were happy. We laughed and did things together. Earlier in our relationship she said she wasn't in love with me because I didn't have a job and wasn't moving ahead in life. Now we have two homes and a successful business and she still gave me the ilybnilwy speech. I did everything for her, always made sure we were secure and safe in life. Helped with house chores, cooked for her, open doors for her, you name it I did it. That's just the person I am. I had a home to come home to. Now I just come to a house. It's so unreal to me. Then when I found out about the affair it just crushed me. I thought I could never forgive, but I find myself so in love with her that I can. But she is not remorseful in anyway. I feel like I'm drowning. As for the A, they both confirmed that it has ended. The OM is married, and what [censored] is that my wife and his wife are best friends.
What I am having a hard time with, is my emotions, are taking over and I act too quick and regret the things I say and do. Just this morning she left the house and didnt even tell me. I panicked, called her, and started to question where she was or going. I know I shouldn't of done that, but just couldn't stop it. I just didn't want to get played again. I'm having a hard time forgiving and trusting when she's away. It's killing me. We used to always do things together and go places together. Now, I'm left out. I do feel like a fool to keep trying to hold everything we have together, while she is not. Detach, Cadet says, don't know how. Tried to, but keep going back to the emotional state of mind that makes me want to reason and try to get back what we had. Not to the same marriage, but to a new marriage with happiness. As for the mentioning of D, she hasn't brought it up but does so when I get angry about the A, and how she's not even helping me deal with it. Should she? I thought she should because of the A, it really messed my mind and heart up. I'm severely hurt and scrambling to find a cure. Uuugh this [censored]! All the emotions comes at me throughout the day...be betrayed by both a friend and my W, lied to, feeling used, no help or remorse from W. Guys and gals, I'm so lost and can't find a direction to go.
What have I done so far... Correction...I've read the divorce remedy by MW. When I was reading it, I skipped the infidelity part thinking that that would never happen to me, but man was I wrong. So you see, I am dealing with a waw and infidelity.
I went to countless web sites, and videos on youtube about saving a marriage.
I bought the "strong marriage now system" by Dr. Dana.
Read many forums. I tried doing 180's but always screwing them up a day or two later. Read sandis list over and over.
It seems as though, all the things I read and believe in that will help save my marriage are all bundled up in my mind and Im trying to do all at once and getting no reaction from w.
It seems as though, all the things I read and believe in that will help save my marriage are all bundled up in my mind and Im trying to do all at once and getting no reaction from w.
And therein lies your problem, cq.
You sound a lot like me, frankly. I too am a "pleaser" -- a classic "Mr. Nice Guy." Did all the things for my wife, too -- wrote her song lyrics, bought her flowers, helped with the dishes and the kids . . . all of it. Said I loved her (and I did . . .and I DO!), but when I did my self-study stuff during her affair I learned that it was as much CO-DEPENDENCE as it was also LOVE.
Have you read the book "Co-Dependent No More?" Excellent read.
What I'm getting at, as you've got to learn a brand new paradigm here -- a new way of looking at things. Rather than come at situations from a standpoint of "If I do ______, what will my wife think? Will it make her angry? How will her anger make ME feel?" (or, conversely, "Will she be pleased? Will she notice? That would make me FEEL GOOD!") . . . you instead have to come at it as:
What is the thing that God Himself would have me do in this situation, if He were standing right in front of me?
(If you're not a man of faith, then maybe "What is the RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation, my wife's opinion of it notwithstanding?")
I sense that are going thru your life trying to please your wife, and as you found, that's a cheeseless tunnel (notice that once you made your business successful, and you had two homes, that she still wasn't happy).
Our spouses are meant to be our FROSTING, not our CAKE. Learn to bake your own cake . . . use this time to figure out who CQ is, and what his core beliefs are. If your wife ends up coming around and becoming your frosting again . . . great. Mine did, and our marriage has never been stronger.
If not, you will have become a far better and stronger man, a role model to your kids, and you'll have a much, MUCH higher chance of happiness and success in your next relationship.
Sorry to read about your situation. Maybe it's time to get answers from a professional. You really should speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Your coach will help you focus on future marriage goals and clarify your thinking. Having a concrete plan of action will definitely help your emotional roller coaster slow down. Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
"The OM is married, and what [censored] is that my wife and his wife are best friends."
Does the OM's W know?
It sounds like you were skipping around the DB book rather than reading the whole thing. You have to read it all in order understand the concepts. Do that ASAP.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you Starsky for your well written guidance. After you pointed out that my pleasing is a cheeseless tunnel, I gave it some thought and bingo! You're absolutely right. Thank you for showing me this. And being co dependent is also right on as well. I know, I need to GAL. Just don't k ow how to start. Seems like everyday and everything I do I am constantly thinking of her. Lately, Im having issues in controlling anger. I find myself cursing to myself about W and how she treated me by having an A. And now how she is still treating me with no remorse, no guilt ( she says if she wasn't unhappy in our marriage this wouldn't if happen) like she's turning it around and making me feel it was my fault. Man, I tell you, I had no freakin idea she was that unhappy (Wherever we went we held hands, laughed, joked, hugged, and kiss), no sincerity of any kind, and mostly no intentions on working to build a new and stronger marriage. Can you please give me advice in GAL and not being co dependent? It's hard and I don't know where to start because before all this came about, W and I were co dependent ( did and shared much if the days together as one). How do I stop myself from this cheeseless tunnel of pleasing. I guess just stop and patiently watch. Hmm, this will be my first big 180. Going to start it tomorrow. Thanks again Starsky.
Cadet, no, the OM wife, does not know. My wife and the OM put me in a situation where I am lying to a friend...OM wife, by not telling her. If I do, I know all (sensor) will break loose. On top of that, breaking friendship between my w and her will be devastating in my DB. My w and OM ( ex friend to me) both betrayed me. Sometimes, I just want to say (sensor) it all and get it all out so I don't have to be holding all this in. Like I said to Starsky, I got no freakin remorse or sinserity after I confronted. I confronted both of them at different times. I had to hold myself back from the things anger would make people do. Like getting in a physical fight with that mf...I mean OM. Can I say that? Anyways, even typing this is making me angry. He took advantage of my W. so mad..po! Need to go smoke a cig now to calm down...so stressed. Btw going on 5 mo of this and this roller coaster ride of emotions and stress is bad. Real bad. I lost 31 lbs in 2 mo. People ask if I'm sick. I say no, just dieting and excercising. So much to deal with, but as mentioned before, will start 180 tomorrow. Question for you and Starsky...do I slow down the pleasing or cold turkey 180 stop the pleasing? Thanks in advance.
Glad to see that you're back here in the forum. Yep, you've got to finish the entire DB book from front to the end.
Originally Posted By: cq1
If I do, I know all (sensor) will break loose. On top of that, breaking friendship between my w and her will be devastating in my DB.
Do you want to save your M? Or is their friendship more important than saving your M? Then do the right thing and inform the OM's W of this ongoing affair.
