22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[GoatGal]

Great dancing last night.
Didn't think of H at all.
The less real estate he takes up in my head, the better.

He asked me to call when I arrived safely, I did. Left no info other than name of event and hotel. (No room # or phone or roomie phone like I usually do.)
When I called, he wanted to chat, I listened for a while , then signed off quickly, "Well, we're off to dinner. Enjoy your evening..giggling people in background.."
He sounded snippy, "Well, BYE then."
I think he tried to hang up first...

Interesting.

[GoatGal]

I'm on a break so I've been thinking. (What else is new?)

FEAR: Not getting my normal text alerts from the bank that say when large withdrawals are made.
Thinking my H blocked me from that account so I can't see what he's doing with our money.
Account is in both our names, but the log in is in his.
I don't know if he has or not, he keeps *saying* he is being very transparent with money. So far that's true.

I am resisting the urge to check my access because if I am blocked, I know it will upset me-- it will mean he is starting to separate our finances without even talking to me about it, in my state, he can do this as the sole wage-earner!!!
Or it's to hide his spending from me because there are things he doesn't want me to see...

I am going to SIT TIGHT and resist.
I can feel my pulse pounding, my mouth is dry.
It is FEAR once again. Fear of him taking over my life and forcing me into a position where everything has to change for me because he's become a selfish, confused shadow of the man I knew.

On the other hand, we have an appointment next week to refinance the house in both our names.

Confused as ever...

---GG

[GoatGal]

Things I've been doing wrong now that I've been re-reading Cadet's homework.

Although I've been really nice and went 12 weeks with no blow-ups, I have made the mistake of pushing, confronting, having an agenda. "Get help for yourself (depression/porn addiction) "not for US but for YOU..."

Same thing. Giving advice he does't want to hear.

His translation: (Per a mutual friend): "He says you keep trying to get him to change, to see and feel things YOUR WAY."

She's right. GUILTY!

Of course, she also says "He is at peace."
(Not hardly.)
That he will "never change his mind" , we should be "divorced already" (!!! Why? Because that's what HE wants in his currently great wisdom?), that he is "absolutely sure that divorce is the best solution". (For whom?)

All this because this is the stuff he says to her, mostly when he's pissed at me.
And she, not knowing what we know, takes what he says as the gospel truth.

I know better and I'm ignoring these statements.

However, she gave me a great clue of how to continue my 180s.

I have to stop giving him anything he can use as ammo against me, that he can complain about either in his own mind, or to his few co-workers/friends.

So yes.
Dim/Dark.
Let him twist in the wind a bit without having me to blame!

Right now I feel better not seeing or talking to him anyway.

I'm having a great weekend so far!

---GG
AKA "Dancing Queen"!!!!

[Maybell]

Listen, Dancing Queen, methinks you should be DANCING. You asked us to hold you accountable and on this awesome time away you've posted at least as much as usual. If you're on a break, then spend it with other people, who don't know your sitch, and enjoy NOT giving him real estate in your head!!! This time is for you. Let your subconscious process your friend's info and you can process it on your six hour drive home.

I love hearing from you but I think you should have a good time and come home refreshed. Trust me when I say I know it's hard to let go for a bit. Trust me also when I say, when your wheels are spinning like they've been they become overworked.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? Mine was really helpful about ways I could protect myself if I became worried he was going to do something with the accounts.

BUT FOR NOW, GO DANCE.