OM1 (married) lasted about 5 months, until I exposed the A and he ran. OM2 (divorced) was a quick rebound - came and went in a week and a half.
Now W is after OM3. He's a client. He has money. That's good because she knows how to spend it. He has been "separated" from his W for 5 years now without finalizing the D.
W is now fully convinced that I never loved her or the kids, she never loved me. I was a bad choice when she was down. (We were together 5 years before M!) She is essentially behaving as if we were already D'd, and she's shopping for next H.
So this isn't simple wayward fog. She's fully bought in to life after me. W can see current changes in me, but can't seem to let go of past wrongs. Single incidents are turned into lifetime traits. I would hate to live carrying around that kind of resentment. Thankfully I won't.
She knows from MC that I have a different perspective, but she's not the least bit inquisitive as to what the gap is. Moving on is her solution. I look at her as not having the courage to step up and deal with the issues. I expected more, but shouldn't have, I guess. Lord knows, I overlooked some pretty serious red flags. Personally, I had faith in the "let's try together for a year, then make the call, knowing we tried" approach, but I can't get her there.
I don't see much left here but the logistics. I still have a little prep work to finish up.
Glad to hear you won't be carrying around a bunch of resentment - that must mean that you are forgiving her regularly, so essential!! Good job.
"Too little, too late" is a good start - it means she sees the changes, maybe even likes them, but doesn't trust them to be legit. Testing typically comes after this - what buttons does she push? Keep in mind that the WAW typically dsn't push buttons to get what she wants, but to get what she expects (and of course what she expects is negative!)
Preparation is essential to pass the tests. 1 - what button will she push? 2 - what negative response will she expect? 3 - what NEW response are you prepared to give? This is an oversimplified version, but you get the idea. Get creative and see what happens!
Divorce Busting Relationship Coach Call The Divorce Busting Center at 800-664-2435 to schedule a telephone consultation with Chuck - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com
This post will sound familiar, since nothing has changed. Chuck, I wish she were testing, but that's not where she is.
W is going slowly with OM3. He's a multi-millionaire. He's been separated for 5 years. Sounds like neither he nor his W want to split the money by finalizing a D. Good luck, W.
Meanwhile, W has maxed out her CC and is livid with me because I won't give her money we don't have. Keeping her just under her limit is the only way I can get her to hold to a budget. Controlling? He11 ya. But what's my alternative. Seems OM3 isn't giving her any money, though.
I attempted to get her involved in finances last night, by going over a year's worth of cashflow, and pointing out the problem we have to solve, and asking for her help with a solution. It was, of course, pointless. I can say I tried to address one of her complaints, (that I'm too controlling with the finances) and that's about it. Again she demanded bank statements to prove that I'm not hiding money. There's just no working with that.
We are going to our third MC session this afternoon. I expect it to be our last. (We committed to 3.) I expect this is the session in which she tells me that our M is done (again). I still doubt she will talk D, though. That's not a ball she wants to start rolling. I don't know that there's anything I want to say at MC today.
In a week and a half, she and the kids are going to MIL/SIL in relative isolation for a couple of weeks. I wish she would unplug, clear her head and think things through, but I expect that she will spend the time convincing her M and S that she is right to have scuttled the M over the last 8 months. Would be nice if MIL would throw her phone in the river and lock her in her room. Her M and I are close, and although she hates what W is doing to me and the kids, I know she'll say her piece to W, then back out of the situation.
Then I go away with kids (if they want to come) for a couple of weeks. Could be 4 weeks of us being apart. I have no expectations.
The posse seems to have done a pretty good job here. I can't even think of one of her complaints that makes any sense anymore, given the things I have changed and offered up.
I talked to my other L this week. To minimize the financial impact, I have to give this up to 3 more months before I file, but I also want to have any D wrapped up by the end of 2015. Unless W files first, I have to play nice for a couple of months.
That is ok with me, since I really don't want to D. (Surprising maybe, but I still believe that she cannot sustain this forever without having a complete breakdown. I still think my W is in there.) I'd like her to do the work if D is what she wants. On the other hand 2015 is just around the corner if this is inevitable. So, I can give this 3 months. She really isn't holding me back from future planning yet. Funny how I don't want a D, and yet I'm already trying to minimize the financial impact. That too is telling me something.
There's a concern that rich OM3 will bankroll W's L for D. I don't see it, since I think he's another one who will stay in perpetual separation and screw around rather than split his money in a D. But hey, if he pays, I don't. I'm certainly not going to base any decisions on it.
I surely don't have much respect for my W right now. She's out late every other night, just assumes I will take the kids. Kids wonder why she is always out. D13 texts me from parking lot of tanning salon "Why is mom spending money on tanning if she doesn't have any money?" The kid gets it. Too bad W is so f'd up. And she still bothers to come up with the most preposterous explanations.
I know that W is still very troubled by all of this. She knows she is not in a healthy place. She does not want to do this to the children, but she still can't get herself to a place where she tries to work with me. For me, there is more contempt than ever. I am quite sure that it is going to take me filing for anything to change, and constantly having to manage around her is getting old.
The kids and I are getting a lot of time together though, and I'm enjoying it. Gives me a taste of single dad.
Meanwhile, W has maxed out her CC and is livid with me because I won't give her money we don't have. Keeping her just under her limit is the only way I can get her to hold to a budget. Controlling? He11 ya. But what's my alternative.
Don't apologize, Zew. No need to here, my brother. "Controlling?" SOMEBODY has to control your family's finances, and it damned sure ain't your wayward WIFE right now!
When I was in my sitch, I tried to look at it as MY CHILDREN'S MONEY -- their college and marriage funds. Which of course, it was.
I talked to my other L this week. To minimize the financial impact, I have to give this up to 3 more months before I file, but I also want to have any D wrapped up by the end of 2015. Unless W files first, I have to play nice for a couple of months.
As part of a smart overall strategy, I have no problem with this tactic Zew. In fact it's wise. Let your wife be the emotional, reactionary one. You listen to your attorney, and play the long game.
It's ironic that she deliberately forces me into the behavior that she said she hates, when I offer her what she said she wants. Again, this is a way to justify her story. I get it.
She once told a friend of ours (who told me later) that she was always insecure and afraid that I would leave her.
If you two ever do get back together, I bet she will end up telling you that this so-called "controlling" behavior of yours during this period was, in fact, attractive.
That she HATED YOUR GUTS AT THE TIME for it, but also respected it and the way you stood up for yourself and your kids.
That's what my wife did, even though she screamed like a witch with holy water poured on her when I did it!
MC went about as expected. W was very closed. The C is very good at drawing W out, I must admit. C asked both of us where we are. W says indifferent, then later says she's done. She's grieving the end of our M. C says she knows where I am - I'm clearly trying to make things work.
We discussed needs I hadn't met. Seems physical touch and gifts are W's LL. C suggests reading 5LL; I told her I have it. C says we just failed to communicate respective needs, and didn't deal with differences in need levels. I said there is so much help out there to make the work easier if we both wanted to do it.
W said she didn't want to be one of those couples who wake up one day when kids are gone to find out they have nothing left together. I reiterated a couple of things I tried to do to build something together. (that were unsuccessful because OM was in the picture.)
I told W again that I was sorry we were here, owned up to missing what I should have seen. That because we have kids, we owe it to them to try. Not to stick together in a bad M for their sake, but to at least try to fix things. Then reassess progress down the road and make decisions. W again acknowledged the changes I have made in the last 6 months. C asked what those were, so I took the opportunity to rattle off the list, and to reiterate to my wife that I was doing whatever I could to be supportive of her career and carry my weight in the family. W did not disagree with anything I said.
C asked W again if she wanted to work on M. W says it would take a leap of faith. (so maybe she's not done? I expect nothing at this point - she is so confused.)
C told W she had to make some decisions, because meeting needs with OM was not honest or fair to me. W denied any A. I raised my hand and asserted my no lying boundary. MC asked why I thought there was an A. I said the endless texting with OM3. C told W she should decide something - either work on M, try separation w or w/o dating - something.
C suggested that W use our upcoming vacation time apart to think things through and decide if she wanted to come back to MC. She gave us a handout about rebuilding intimacy, trust, respect... As I read through each section, I think I'm firing on all cylinders as to what it's saying to do regarding forgiveness, acceptance, but that's all I can do. Ultimately, it is for W to decide.
Overall, the session was pretty calm. No real disagreements - I presented a couple of different view points after validating hers.
We went home, had dinner, then went to D13's band recital. W texted throughout recital, with one seat between us so I couldn't watch. That will be complaining to the posse how unsympathetic the C is and asking what to do next.
D had a rough night sleep - she was sobbing in her sleep again at one point. It wasn't as bad a night as I have seen though, and I thought it might have been worse. I could mind read and say she's getting more comfortable with openly cheating.
Anyway, I will carry on doing what I'm doing for me. I have a little hope that maybe when she's home on vacation she'll sort things out. I really have no reason to hope that, other than MIL and SIL will ask her what the heck she is up to and how she plans to live and provide for kids. They both like me, and they both know W is more than a little spoiled. They both think I've been good to/for W, but I also know that they will only push so much. They won't interfere too much, but they won't rescue her either.
No real advice from me this time Zew, just a heartfelt "GOOD JOB."
I know that these sessions must be stressful as hell, and I admire your patience and tenacity in trying to see if there's something left here to save, for the sake of your family.
