ya know- little tiny (TINY) hopeful things aside - i can't see what i'm doing here be sides still STILLLLLL trying to wean myself off my particular "addiction". It is amazing how "good" this thing(h) can make me feel - and how "bad" sometimes - and (maybe overall???) how bad long range (uncertainty & anticipation). My notion of what i had and what i thought my life would be. i see what it's become - and for this minute i guess i accept that because i am still here and coping along - keeping my trap shut. it's got to be this way with any addiction when your brain and your cravings are at war. yikes!!
i guess something to acknowledge about one's own personality- that love addiction streak i've got.
but i still think overall- my r now - is not "for me" in the end (as it is) and not "good for me" now or in the end. stress-level wise. it's this underlying "thing" of course in the background of all of our lives. i do get it that nobody's life is totally problem free- and it is my "turn" to have chaos - uh hem - is it done yet????
I was reading raine's thread a bit this morning. wow and what a hopeful story. I like it alot- it makes me have hope- then i remember not so good to go "there" maybe. same old thing isn't it- good to hope? bad to have expectations or even think things can "go back". and then ya wonder howcome ya feel nuts alot of the time. i have to laugh about this even tho i'm alone.
I have to compare me to some of my favorite smokers- most days it seems possible to quit right up to the minute they take the first cigarette of the day. (a friend told me her husband said this of his alcoholism ) me too- i think i'm detaching- i am teeny by teeny- the increments seem so small- almost unseeable. i know they're there because of my emotional response to things that would decimate me before. so yay- me taking one less "cigarette" a day. i wonder today if it will ever "end" or be anything different. but then- no stinkin expectations huh?
h will show up here tomorrow - we'll go on a trip - he'll be fun & charming - i'll be fun and charming- wtf?????? i'll remember what a pleasant life we make together (and rethink ending it all ) - he'll have fun but it will not sink into his head for one minute that i'd ever GO - & that he's killin it ...etc, etc etc. WHATTA JOKE HUH?
i found myself just before thinking about old things i could have handled better - really really old old old prehistoric things. wondering if 'THIS" OR 'THAT" WAS the culprit- - omg - stop that rite now . i'm sure it all contributed - bt what about alllllllllllllllll the good junk?
could ya die- digging up ancient little things from 20 years ago- and wodnering if this was the beginning or that.
like my sister that drank herself to death- a person could go completely crazy wondering where we all "failed" her in 55 years . and if we did, etc. I AM NOt going to re-inspect a lifetime of tiny steps that any particular one could have meant something else -
i do not usually indulge in this kind of junk - it's alllll soooo DONE AND OVER - her, mom. i guess "in the end" i'll view this whole mlc thing the same way. put it away somewhere on a shelf and never ever shake it out and look for all the little moth holes. ya gotta hope that the other person knew & saw your love & and was happy to have it- and know about it- and if they couldn't use it to make them happy or to help save themselves - oh well huh???
i'm gonna quit this - go eat something goopie (maybe make some old (american version) oatmeal scone drenched in butter and jam - feel "cozy" because it's chillie and raining like mad outside and clean this messy house - and get on with the day.
i'm getting mighty impatient with this all - h's smug detachment- sure, he's "got it all" rite now - but every dog has it's day - huh???? wondering when and where it all will end.
wanna feel "free" of the crappola.
Thank you and have a nice day & drive thru please...
Nero, I haven't had that problem. Check your computer settings to see if you may have hit some buttons accidently. Your postings are still coming across in black an white on the forum.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
hey thanks - that's interesting - glad it's only me-
the thing that interested me is they are random - and i couldn't figure how or what was picking just certain words & phrases- (god? the universe??? poltergeist)
i swear- computers know i pick on them, and they figure little ways to "tease" me so i always know that, ultimately, they are in control... not us
MID CHOMP here on this (semi-awful) home-made (brick - uh hem - scone- i'm acknowledging that i should stfu about all this stuff - and be incredibly grateful that i am (at least at this point in time) in a position to be home and thinking away - and that even if my life is not what i'd wish- it's a hell of alot better than most.
i don't want to be an ingrate and whining a$$ - which i know i can be- so sorry universe. I do get it- and see it - and know - when i manage to get even a small step back -
just that- SOOO - here's me yanking self up by boot sttraps and shutting up- & getting to work here -
one way or the otehr- i'm sure in the end it'll be something and good or bad - i'll just plug on thru. rite???
xxo -
ya know everyone - - sorry to be a jerk here sometimes (or)(alot) - glad you're there tho. unfortunately (for you all) and fortunately for me - this forum is my place to "fold" somewhat, speak the unspeakable (we love anonimity)sp? - drop the facade - no need to BE tough and together and mature and doin what i gotta - and just blop out the thoughts- good and bad , sort thru them. it does help to gain perspective - just "saying it out loud" - hearing self- thinking of listener and what she/he would be thinking- how it sounds - is it accurate/fair (crazy?) i don't want to wander too far into looney-land and not know it. someone always manages to spot the crazy and kindly point it out-
You know, Nero, I used to spend an enormous amount of time going over my life. Could I have done things differently? Would it have made a difference in my childhood, in my marriage.
Especially when there is a death. It makes you go back and rethink your life.
What I have come to realize, through a lot of work and thinking, is that we just do the best we can with the knowledge and tools we have at the time.
I know that I never did or didnt do anything with the intent to cause harm to anyone. That matters a great deal to me.
So, could I have done things differently? Probably. Did I realize that at the time? No.
I completely believe that things happen as they are supposed to. I know it without a doubt. I would not have been ready to learn what I did any sooner than I have.
I accept that what has happened in my life, is what I was supposed to go through in order to be at this exact moment.
Once you accept that, it is easier to forgive yourself. It is easier to understand that we are human. And stuff happens, and we do things and it is what it is.
There will come a time when you will want more. I think you are inching towards that. And when you do and when you accept that you deserve that, you will know what to do. Until then, embrace the fact that you are right where you should be on your journey.
Never apologize for your thoughts or feelings here, Nero. They are valid because they are yours. There are no right or wrong ones.
This forum is a wonderful place to be able to work through things, share your thoughts and feelings and figure stuff out. No one is judging you. We have all had similar feelings.
nero, i was thinking about you. I was thinking about me. What is it that I want to do. that I want to be? ambition seems to be lacking. just getting thru day in day out. In my brain, think this has to stop! was thinking about your h- and the fact that he still comes around....if it were not for the kids, I think my h would be outa here. off to his own new adventure.
want to get to that other side!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
ya know, sometimes i do capture the "knowledge" about having done my best, and even tho it may be lacking - in retrospect - at the time i didn't know or couldn't have. and you're right - intention is EVERYTHING.
IT'S THOSE other moments when i think- "well, of course you WOULD tell yourself that" "it's what you want to hear and lets face it - you are you - & need to be your own biggest supporter in life" -
so then, the "i wonder if's" appear. i know you are rite.
i don't want to not hold myself to some standards in life. you know? if i don't at least "try to do my best" - then how the heck can i face o ther people or the world - kind of thing. Or feel good about self and be own support system- if i don't believe i did try my best & do hold myself to some principls in life - something like that , anyway - i worry sometimes about letting my own principls get lax - or if i get "selfish" and i do not want to go around treating other people like nothin - it's a bad m.o.; and i know how bad it feels to be treated poorly- or like we are zero. everyone knows how terrible it feels - soooo i don't want to ever dish that out to anyone. (kind of thing)
i worry that i'll let my own stress crappola blind me and make me bitter and ratty or hypocritical and less careful of those around me in life.
i need to know who i am and what i believe is good person to be - in order to go thru life trying to assess what i'm seeing and so forth. did that make sense?
I sure look at h and people around me- and while they're spouting junk about someone that treated them badly- they're doing it to me or someone else. it's that junk- how blind human beings are (i guess all??) and then i wonder if i am too.
just don't wanna be- i know- i sure am a mess inside that head sometimes.
i THINK i've always tried hard to be fair and decent- but it's me makin the call- who knows what the world sees or feels?????
you're nice- have a great day- thanks fotr thoughts.
(ya know- it's my "catholic" upbringing- reading this book geared toward making one a good monk- i realize what a huge downer & self-critical thing religion can be- and that is a shame- but there you have it. i'm workin on fighting the urge to shave my head into a tonsur - and get a robe i guess. (this is humour by the way) i just see how it's ingrained in kids probably *(my mom) and how it's passed along. the you are UNWORTHY THING.
