What to do

[Ben2010]

Youre right Sandi, I think I may have misjudged how much this has hurt her. I am not very good at communication with my wife, not much of a surprise for most of us. I thought I was doing well for not even talking about the R for over a week now, but I blew it. There is no OM in the picture. I am working as hard as I can to fix these problems with myself. I am also trying to develop a better relationship with God. I pray for her healing every night. I know she prays for me too. I am 33 and she is 30. And I see what you mean about being self-righteous, I have no right to be that way. She has been a Christian her whole life and led a "cleaner" life than I. I have only been a Christian about 3 years.

I think I will just work on GAL right now and contiune reading and C. Let her talk to me when she is ready. I still dont know what to do about this date next Sunday. I dont think I am ready for that yet, but I wouldnt want to decline and have her think that I dont want to go. Because more than anything I do want it.

[Roberta]

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[Ben2010]

Another issue I wanted to bring up and get some advice on is about her family. How is she ever going to be able to make the decision to come back with everyone in her family(besides one person) telling her to leave me? She is living with them right now.

[Ben2010]

Ok so she and I got on the discussion of going to church because I told her that the preacher called and left me a voicemail. This is the same one that she did not want me discussing our problems with because he will tell everyone and she thinks that he takes my side. I told her that eventually hes gonna ask why im not there. She told me that the separation did not mean that I couldnt come to church. I told her that I would probably go to another church that we sometimes go to. She asked why. I told her that I was trying to give her the space she wanted. She again said that i didnt need to do that. I told her i will probably just go to the other church again. She said "ok" very frustrated like.

Here is my question on this. Should I go to church in the morning (which I never do and she wanted me to) as a possible 180? Or should I not because it would seem like pursuing/desperation? She will probably assume that Im lying if it comes up and i tell her that I went to the other church because of my past record. i really am trying to become a better Christian for me, but at the same time, I havent seen her in a week and a half. I had planned on not sitting by her and arriving early so that I didnt have to sit with her family. I dont want to make it awkward for her. After service I would leave and not go to the bible study as we are in the same class and i would have to sit 3 inches from her. Any help is much appreciated.

[Nettles]

Ben,

Let's turn the thinking on this just a bit. You seem to be struggling with this and I'd contend that W has given you a great gift. She's given you a 2x4, but she wants this to work out.

Here is why:

1) She's asked you to change.
2) She's given you the space to change.
3) She didn't give you the ILYBINILWY bit. In fact, from what you write, it seems she'll readily tell you that she loves you and is willing to communicate frequently.
4) There is no OM.
5) No D papers served, no talk of Ls. I'm not sure you've written that W has talked of D.

This all points to W wanting things to change for the better in the M. So you can only control you. Are there things you can change about you to make M better?

Related to the C, in my opinion, you need to work with C on you first. My C wanted to talk a lot about the M in our sessions. That's understandable, but the focus should be on you and where you are. I'd even suggest you continue individually with your C, and when W is ready, find a MC to work with. This allows you to focus on you with your C, and eliminates any idea that C may be biased.

A couple other items:

1) Nightly call - let her make it. Give her this. If she skips a night, let it go. This will look like pressure/pursuing if you are contacting her.

2) Church - If W is saying you don't have to change what you do, don't, or if she wants you at a service, go. Use this as the opportunity to go and be the happiest, best Ben you can be. Show her the Ben she fell in love with. She will let you know if she doesn't want you there or if it is causing pressure.

3) Date - You've already committed. Go and be the happiest, best Ben you can be. But DO NOT talk about how you've changed. She has to see change.

4) Family - You can't control her family, so as hard as this is, there is nothing you can do.

Admire W for the courage this took and take advantage of the opportunity you've been given. Based upon what you've written, I think W wants this to work. Be patient and make the changes. If you do this, the worst thing that will happen is that Ben will be a better, happier person in the end.

[sandi2]

First question......when or how did this discussion come about? Who made the contact?

A preacher who tells church members personal business is not good! If you can't trust him to keep things confidential, I suggest you not share with him. This is very touchy for your W, and I can see why. As far as him taking your side.........that may just be her VP.
Has she known him a longer than you have? Have you had a close relationship with him, or shared any other experiences with him?

If he should take it upon himself to talk to your WAW, I doubt she will be very receptive. And, I don't think you should ask him to talk to her, b/c of how she feels toward him.

Attending church is a personal decision that the individual has to make. However, I don't suggest you try to show her a 180 by going to the same place Sunday. I can see several reasons how it would not be in your favor, but mainly b/c your thoughts would probably be on her & her family, instead of worship.

In other words, don't go to church to make brownie points with her, but neither go to another church trying to avoid her. Don't miss going somewhere, b/c you need the spiritual encouragement.

So, pray about it and seek God's guidance.

[Ben2010]

Thank you for all your encouragement Nettles. That helps a lot. My mind cant seem to stop picking everything apart and find hidden meanings. When you break it down like that it doesnt sound as bad.

She has said she thought she wasnt in love with me before. She did not say that during this separation thing though.

No she has never said that she wants a D. I have asked her and she always says no. But she does say that she doesnt know if we can work this out or not.

There are things that I can change to make the M better. Im doing a lot of reading and practicing communication with coworkers. Im also seeing the C to address the anger issues I have. Went to the Dr. to get put on anti-depressants, they wont take effect until next week sometime i dont think though, wish it was now...

I wouldnt call our communication frequent though. She sometimes just texts to say good night i love you. She has done some kind of communication every day though except one.

I have decided to not go to morning service tomorrow. I will go to night service as usual and see how that goes. If it goes ok then I will start morning service next week.

About the date, I dont have any expectations that she will go. I am trying to tell myself that she wont, so that i wont get let down. She will probably just tell me that she forgot we had that planned or something. Although it is after church on Sunday next week, so kinda hard to forget.

Thanks again Nettles for giving me a positive outlook on things, you have no idea how much it means at a time like this for me.

[Ben2010]

She called me, but if youre talking about the preacher, then he also called me. I did not answer his call and he left me a voicemail wondering why he hadnt seen me last sunday. I just asked the W what should i do when he asks me why im not there. Thats when she told me that I didnt need to go elsewhere. I dont buy into the preacher telling everyone what he knows. I think she just used that as a coverup for her not wanting to talk to him because he takes my side. She has known him for a few more years than me. I like him because he was part of our pre-M C. He was great but I did feel like he maybe took my side often.

I will not tell him what is going on. I dont want to put any pressure on the W. I will just say that I had some issues last sunday.

I think you misunderstood what i was saying. We go to the same church, but I usually dont go to the morning service, which she has always wanted me to. We go to a different church if something comes up and we need to be somewhere because they have different service times.

I will not go to church for brownie points but I would like to start going to morning service. I have read a lot and see that it might help to put this in God's hands. I need him more than ever right now. My idea for going to morning service in order to not look fake i think will just need to be something that i do consistently.

Thanks for the response Sandi. I would be lost without you all.

[Nettles]

Thank you for all your encouragement Nettles. That helps a lot. My mind cant seem to stop picking everything apart and find hidden meanings. When you break it down like that it doesnt sound as bad.

I hope it helps you to focus on you. You've written about depression and anger. Get those under control. And you aren't the first, and won't be the last, to have to deal with those. I was right there too. But my W's 2x4 (BD, hiding with kids, D served, PO) changed me. This'll change you if you want it to.

She has said she thought she wasnt in love with me before. She did not say that during this separation thing though.

Before BD, my W loved me but was probably not in love with me and I know she didn't respect me. And do you know how I earned her respect back? By changing. But a key was that I changed for me, not for her. I don't want you to confuse the gift she's given you with the reason you should change, Ben. You should want to change to be a better, happier you.

No she has never said that she wants a D. I have asked her and she always says no. But she does say that she doesnt know if we can work this out or not.

I noticed you wrote "always". I take that to mean you've asked more than once. If so, stop. Don't ask again. She's given the answer, move on.

She says she doesn't know if you can work this out or not because she needs changes from you and she can't control that. The good news is that you can control your changes. But who should the changes be for? You have to be happy with you and own your own happiness. That's why I say the changes are for you, not her.

There are things that I can change to make the M better. Im doing a lot of reading and practicing communication with coworkers. Im also seeing the C to address the anger issues I have. Went to the Dr. to get put on anti-depressants, they wont take effect until next week sometime i dont think though, wish it was now...

Great! Keep it up. Every practice or reading or improvement, come here and journal and let us know. But don't tell her. She has to see it. The pressure-free environment she has right now is what she wants with you. So every time you see her, be the Ben she fell in love with.

I wouldnt call our communication frequent though. She sometimes just texts to say good night i love you. She has done some kind of communication every day though except one.

Let her initiate things. Each communication from her is a blessing, but a lack of communication means nothing. I'm betting this isn't easy on her either. The last time you saw her, did she look thinner?

About the date, I dont have any expectations that she will go. I am trying to tell myself that she wont, so that i wont get let down. She will probably just tell me that she forgot we had that planned or something. Although it is after church on Sunday next week, so kinda hard to forget.

It is good that you have no expectations about the date, but don't try to predict the future on whether it happens or not. If it happens, don't expect anything, just go and have a relaxed, nice time with conversation about her and how she is doing. Validate, listen and be patient.

Thanks again Nettles for giving me a positive outlook on things, you have no idea how much it means at a time like this for me.

I know I write like it is so easy, but I know how hard it is Ben. I know that feeling in your gut that won't go away. Continue to work on what you need to work on. It is the path.

[Wonka]

Ben,

No she has never said that she wants a D. I have asked her and she always says no. But she does say that she doesn't know if we can work this out or not.

This is a positive. She's conflicted and confused so I'd suggest that you back off. Continue focusing on YOU and use the time wisely to become the man you've always wanted to be so you'll be proud of YOURSELF.

You cannot worry about what W does or doesn't do. It has zero bearing on you and your goals.