So a bad night last night. I was dumb enough to ask if the time off has made her miss me. She immediately became defensive and told me how she has been stress free the whole time and that she was happy being there with her family.
Dont worry I wasnt done making mistakes
I proceeded to read her lines from the book Hope for the Seperated. The passage basically says that it is wrong in God's eyes to seperate and then went on to say that if we were seperating to being back feelings that it was futile. I only attempted this because she and I are both Christians and thought it would spark some thought with her. I told her that i didnt think the seperation was having the right effect as we dont even see each other in passing at all. I literally have not seen her in a week and a half. She told me that she figured we could go on a date and see how we felt about each other then. I asked when she had planned on this "supposed" date happening and she said she didnt know. Then she thought about it for a minute and told me we could go on a date next Sunday night. I was surprised that she actually said that.
Against good advice...I asked her if she wanted to join me for next weeks MC. She asked if the C wanted her to come in. I said that he did. She said ok very hesitant. I then decided for some reason that it was a good idea to tell her that she would need to have an open mind or it wouldnt work. She completely blamed me for everything at this point. I just told her that I understand that I caused her this much pain. I tried not to apologize again as I have already done this a bunch of times. She told me she was getting tired but I kept her on the phone about another 5 minutes trying to get some clarification for myself. She told me she would call me today on her way to work. I told her she didnt have to do that. Then she blew up again and asked me why couldnt I just say ok and let it go. So i said ok. When she called me today though, she was mad from the word hello. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she just had a bad morning, nothing was going right, her hair and clothes(thinks that she is fat). She told me it wasnt me when i asked if this was her still being mad from last night. The old me would have never let that go and not believed her. But I thought about it for a minute and told myself that she was being honest and was just having a bad day already. So I have some hope that I can start to see progress in my changes already. I am finding it a little easier to manage my anger as well. I didnt start yelling at her at all while she was angry. I felt myself start to get that feeling of anger but was able to stop myself from saying anything mean or yelling. It still was not a pleasant conversation though. I could feel her anger through the phone. It was very intense and for the first time I felt like maybe I would do her a favor if I left her alone because it isnt that healthy for her to feel that anger and not be able to release it. Like maybe I should just not talk to her at all just so she doesnt have to feel that anger.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I think that will validate what you are saying above.[/quote]
Yes I have read those several times, which is why I dont call her at all or send texts first. So youre saying that you think that it is a good idea then to not always answer the phone?
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Sorry to find you here under those circumstances, but you cannot find a more supportive community than here in the DB forum.
All newbies stumble on how to validate their wayward spouses in the first few weeks/months. All's not lost! There's a helpful resource right here for you.
You might want to check this thread out on proper validation:
Keep going here...come back here often and post. In order to get more traffic back to your thread, I'd suggest that you post in other DBer's threads that you like and resonate with you. It is a buddy system here.
"I trust your judgement, however, she asked me last time i went if the C wanted her to come. I told her the C asked if she was willing to come and i said yes. She reaffirmed it when i said that."
Okay, BUT you have to see what her frame of mind is when she says this. Many WASs will say they want to go to C with the LBS just so they can tell the C that they are done and to show that they are "right".
Only go if she is willing to save the marriage. Never before.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are right Mr Bond. She seemed uneasy about it last night and I was honestly just TRYING to make sure she knew that she was welcome and wanted in C. I felt that I needed to do this because she has a hard time admitting defeat meaning I think that she would see her asking to come to C with me as a defeat in this situation. I dunno maybe Im doing some mindreading here. I did tell her that it was an open invitation though and that I would not push her to go.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Yes. I've only seen it work in very rare occasions where the WAS goes to C and it actually helps them. Maybe get personalized MC from MWD together. That might be a good start. You might want to also look up Joe Beam.
And definitely read DB/DR as soon as possible. There is no shortcut to this. Keep changing yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Whenever a woman has too much stress to handle, something is going to break. Some people react by taking their anger out on the one closest to them. Unfortunately, you provided your W with ammunition by the porn and the being alone with another woman. It is going to take more than a couple of weeks for her to move past all of this, b/c of the state she's in right now.
The best thing for you to do is step back and leave her alone. Yes, it will be very difficult. However, as long as you say "but I couldn't help myself" you will not progress. You can help yourself! You cannot pursue her during this time. She is extremely stressed, angry, and unhappy. Time is your friend. Time helps to heal. So stop talking...and back away.
Don't worry so much over answering the phone. The point is to be less available. If she should call you, then for goodness sake.....don't yell at her. And.....do NOT ask if she misses you yet or if she loves you, etc. And don't tell her how lonely you are and how sorry you are ......again. Just talk upbeat and try to cheer her up, b/c if she feels good after talking to you, then she'll probably do it again.
Now, if there is another man in the picture, it changes things.
Set personal goals how you can improve yourself as a man. Learn all you can about DBing.
I know you have the urge to share with her what you read/learn, however, it is a bad idea, especially reading something that sounds preachy. Even a Christian WAW doesn't like it from her H when it's aimed at her. You can't help her like that. It comes across like you are pointing out she's bad and God isn't happy with her. If I had been in her shoes, I would have been ticked! So many times a LBH can sound self-righteous when talking to his WAW. I'm sure you didn't have that intent, but it was like pouring gas on the fire.
Your job is to work on yourself and pray for yourself and for her. But it is not your job to say or do something to spark her into thinking of returning to you. Let God use this time to do a work on you, and hopefully, her too. Sometimes, a separation helps a young couple to get their heads clear and realize what they really want. But it does take time. She is tired and overworked. She's really wanting some relief. Don't make things harder by pressing her, b/c I promise....you will be on the losing end.
Btw, what are your ages?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She did mention possibly going to a C by herself. I told her that I thought it might be a good idea so that she could let off some of her aggression and anger. I dont think I have the money for a DB coach yet let alone a personalized session with MWD. I dont disagree with the idea and i know it would be money well spent, I just dont have it yet. The books i thought would be there yesterday but maybe today, shipped 3 days ago. I have been reading some Chapman books in the meantime, Hope for the Seperated and started 5LL(mens edition).
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
