I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[Ben2010]

It seems like you are doubtful of my sincerity or ability to commit.

Frankly, you don't need to be with a woman you already find sexual dissatisfaction with. She doesn't deserve you.

What exactly do you mean by this? Just trying to clarify.

[MrBond]

My biggest concern is the amount of emphasis that you put on sex. A M is much more than just sex. What assurance does she have that you'll stick around if she can't have sex any more?

[sandi2]

According to you, the sexual dissatisfaction caused you to have a third party involved.......before the M. What did you honestly expect to happen after M? What were your plans in dealing with it?

A long MR has enough challenges without entering into one knowing full well you are not sexually satisfied with your financee. It's not fair to either of you. And if you told her the things you told us about her.....it could crush her as a woman. I mean, how would you feel if she had an A with some OM based on his size? People can learn skills but they can't do a lot about how their body is designed.

I'm saying you need to get this stuff worked out before you get into any committed R. If you went to a sex addicts meeting, you must feel that something is not as it should be.

[DBinSF]

Thanks, Sandi2, and others...

To explain, the sex with my Fiancee was good, it just wasn't all that exciting. I had a hard time getting an erection for the first month or so. It very quickly became routine, whereas it was always exciting with the OW.

I'm learning a lot with my therapist and in the Sex Addiction meetings (NOTE: my therapist says it's unclear whether I'm actually an addict b/c I was able to stop all sexual behavior cold turkey when this all went down. I'm not using sex or masturbation as a coping behavior at all right now)

What my therapist thinks is that I actually find sex that is based on love and real connection more difficult to engage with. I have walls up -- fears about true intimacy. This makes a lot of sense. The more my Fiancee wanted to talk about kids or planning our life together, the more I wanted to escape to this frivolous affair. The OW was married (albeit in an open R), so it felt "safe" from the perspective of I'd never have to worry about her wanting to make me commit. And I was wrong on that point, b/c she ended up wanting to leave her H for me.

Anyway, I have intimacy issues, and I'm working that out with DEEP therapy right now. In the mean time, I'm still in contact with my Ex Fiancee, and she is getting more and more set in never wanting to ever talk about reconciliation. In fact, the other night she said that every time I mention "working it out someday" she think I am even sicker than she thought. She thinks I have no empathy for how much pain this has caused her -- no real conception of how much this has [censored] her over.

I agree I can't get in her head, but I don't see how trying to leave the possibility for reconciliation open is selfish and sick. I love this woman, and want to work it out.

Do I need to go dark? Do I continue to be nice? We're in the same social circles and still friends on Facebook, etc. It's hard to go dark entirely. Should I just stop communicating with her aside from times when we end up in the same place? Or should I continue to tell her I love her and that I'm trying to work on my [censored]?

So confused... So upset this is all slipping away -- and it's all my fault.

[sandi2]

Yes, go dark. Continue therapy. You should not pursue your ex-fiancee.

[Roberta]

Sorry to read that you are experiencing relationship problems once again. As is common in divorce, troubling history repeats itself in next marriage. In your case, engagements. Please speak to a Divorce Busting Coach as soon as possible. You will benefit tremendously from the insights and knowledge you will receive. In addition, your coach will help you see your relationship mistakes and help you learn the correct things to say and do to get your fiancee back. Call me to discuss our Divorce Busting Coaching program 303-444-7004.

[DBinSF]

I did the DB Coaching program last time and he just told me to go dark, which I did, and it didn't work.

My ex-fiancee just unfriended me on Facebook. She's trying to cut me out completely. I'm feeling lost and afraid.

[DBinSF]

Hi all,

So quick update: I've had a few more interactions with my Ex since my last post. She says stuff like "I just need to be clear, it's over." And then she proceeds to ask me all sorts of questions about "How could I ever trust you again? How would I know you're living with integrity?" Her friends tell me she's still angry and that if there's a chance of reconciliation, it will be a LONG time from now. Given that she's 35 and wants kids, I fear she will jump right into another relationship.

I've done a crazy amount of work in the last two months on myself, and it's been really good. I have clarity on the fact that I need to keep working on myself for a while to get straight about things, to drive home new habits around integrity and trustworthiness, and really to start being the man I've always wanted to be.

Our Anniversary is coming up on July 7. We were going to be on a beach vacation with my family that week. Should I reach out to commemorate it in some way?

Thanks!

[RiverRat812]

Should I reach out to commemorate it in some way?

NO!!!!!!!

Let it go... work on yourself. Give her all the uninterrupted time to heal she needs. Do not keep pressuring her on R. Every time you do, you are driving her further away. Just realize that her healing made lead her to a conclusion that you might not like. Accept that and move on with your own healing no matter what.

If there is a chance to R, you are going to have to rebuild your "house of trust" brick by brick. The foundation the house will be built on is you. A solid foundation means a solid house. But realize, you will always have to maintain your house. If you don't, you may end up where I am now.

I also had an A many years ago, the bomb dropped during our S. It was a while before we even spoke, texted, emailed or anything. When we finally did talk, I had to be brutally honest with her about anything and everything to do with the A. She grilled me for months about it and I agreed to be an open book and always accessible to answer any question she had. Your fiancee may not want to do that but be prepared for it. If you are faced with that, you would be best served by having your head in the best possible place.

[DBinSF]

It is SO HARD not to reach out to her. I broke NC today with a little "How's all your school work going?" text. She had been stressing out last Sunday over her MBA work, and I dropped off a little food for her (which she appreciated and thanked me dryly for over text). We had a short email exchange after that (her asking more how she could ever trust -- me outlining how great it all could be if we were both aligned around healing and moving forward.

No response from her.

I KNOW I need to leave her alone, but it's just SO. [censored]. HARD. She's the love of my life, and she's fading away from me. Like in those movies when someone falls in slow-mo away from the camera. She's just falling and falling. Perhaps right into someone else's arms.

The way I've handled break-ups in the past is I've compulsively dated afterwards. I've IMMEDIATELY tried to get back out there and "get over it under someone else." I'm not doing that this time, and all the sitting at home in my shitty little apartment alone (with the boxes of my stuff and all our photos and memories that she moved out of her apartment stacked in the closet) really drives me nuts.

I want a quick fix, and I know there isn't one. Ugh. Well, thanks for letting me vent... Any wisdom on how to handle the loneliness (without burning out all my friends) would be much obliged.