I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

I didn't get my partner back (that was truly never meant to be in hindsight), but this is a new situation. Seems like some of the same advice might work this time, however.

[Barrybran]

I understand you didn't get your partner back. What DID you get out of coming to this site last time?

[DBinSF]

I'm not sure what I got out of it, to be honest. Some good advice about the last resort. I even did a phone consultation with a DB staffer. But my relationship from them wasn't meant to be.

This time, I'm hoping I can turn things around for real. The woman I've been with for the last two years is the ONLY person I've ever been with that receive unanimous, jubilant approval from everyone in my life. She is smart, generous, loving, and fun. And I'm deeply ashamed about my actions. Yes, I have some old wounds I'm still working through. Wounds that make me seek outside myself for affirmation.

I'm working with a therapist on changing those habits. With his help, I was able to end the affair a few months ago. And now that I'm ready to commit and put that all behind me, the affair has just now come to light, and I'm paying the price.

[Barrybran]

Well, I had an affair too so I understand how you feel. What I see from the few posts you've written, and something that was very evident in my situation, is that you need to look at why you felt the need to get into the affair in the first place. You've had two failed engagements and an affair. What did you feel you were missing from these women? What did you expect from them that they weren't providing? Why were you here two years ago only to give up on that relationship and enter a new one? What made you feel getting engaged to your recent fiance was the right thing to do?

A lot of questions and they may sound harsh. Good news is that the vets recognise you. Bad news is that it's time to grab a shovel and start digging into your soul. Good luck!

[DBinSF]

Barrybran,

Thanks for the empathetic reply. I am indeed digging right now.

I'm looking first not at "what was missing in these women" but at what's missing inside me that leads me to believe there might be something missing in these women -- if that makes sense.

I experienced severe trauma and abuse growing up in an alcoholic home. I'm in Alanon recovery right now (have been for 4 years), but I wasn't really getting to the bottom of it. I started intensive therapy 3 months ago (2x a week), and within weeks I had called it off with the OW and started moving towards opening up and being more vulnerable with my Fiancee.

My main problem is one of discomfort with true intimacy. The sex I most "enjoy" is fleeting, physical sex with a woman I can completely objectify. I escape to a fantasy of who she is and feel "dominant." Sex with my partner (fiancee) was softer and sweeter and required me to summon up a deeper intimacy and vulnerability, which made me fearful and withdrawn. I literally felt like my penis was smaller with my fiancee than with the OW. It was demoralizing and damaging to my self-esteem.

What I'm working on now is decoupling sex from my self esteem. I've committed to 3 months minimum of celibacy (unless my Fiancee and I get back together). It might be more if I still have sexual urges during periods of weakness and low self-esteem.

I keep on asking for advice on what my next move is with my fiancee, but I'm getting a pretty clear message from the community here that I should be keeping the focus on myself. Let me know if there's anything else I need to know.

Thanks!

[sandi2]

It seems like you are doubtful of my sincerity or ability to commit.

No, that's not my point.

But I do get confused with you constantly referring to being in a R with this woman, when it clearly shows by your own posting history you were trying to win back your ex in June 2012. Last time I checked, that was exactly two years ago. Then you said it was a year later before you and this woman started a R. And when you said not to look up your history..,..,,of course, I did. Those type of things get my attention.

If you can't wait till Monday to talk to therapist, get emergency counseling. But I think, based on your history of not waiting for advice and jumping from thread to thread, you don't have the patience. You want a snap answer. Well, I gave you a snap answer! Honor her request and get your sh't together!

Frankly, you don't need to be with a woman you already find sexual dissatisfaction with. She doesn't deserve you.

[DBinSF]

Thanks, Sandi 2. Perhaps I should clarfiy my timeline.

April 2011 - Split with Ex1.
June 2012 - Posted on DB about getting Ex1 back. Was not successful. Definitely for the best.
July 2012 - Started dating woman who is now Ex2
August 2012 - Realized Sexual connection with Ex2 was not great.
Sept/Oct 2012 - Began non-sexual affair with woman I'd dated earlier in 2011. She was in an open marriage, thus seemed "emotional safe" from my perspective.
June 2013 - Have sex with OW for first time
Sept 2013 - Got caught emailing Ex1 by Ex2. Ex2 was not happy.
Feb 2013 - Got caught emailing other random women (not OW) by Ex2. She was very not happy and asked me to move out.
Feb 2014 - I entered intensive therapy.
Mar 2014 - I called it off for good with OW
Apr 2014 - OW emailing and texting me to get back together
May 4, 2014 - I write very strongly worded message to OW to ask her to leave me alone for good -- that I intended to marry my GF and that I never loved her (OW)
May 14, 2014 - OW prints out my email, writes a detailed and explicit cover letter, and mails them both to my GF.
May, 19, 2014 - GF opens letter from OW. Changes locks, and tells me she never wants to see me again. AKA - End of live as we know it.
May 30, 2014 - I'm back on DB.

[Barrybran]

The time period between June and September 2012 is very telling as all three women make an appearance. Sandi is right in that you should honour your girlfriend's request. Quite simply, you are not ready for a relationship. You also appear to be is unhealthily focused on sex. As my wife told me just yesterday, sex is a bonus. I feel that is oversimplified, I feel it is an important part of a healthy relationship, but she brought up the notion of finding herself in an accident and never being able to have sex again. She asked would I leave. It's not something I had ever considered and helped reaffirm what the priorities in a relationship are.

[DBinSF]

I went to a few Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings in the last few days. I have never heard other people tell my story before. I'm humbled and saddened.

[sandi2]

So did you learn anything from the meeting, or did they only share their experiences? Have you ever discussed any of this with your therapist?