living with WAW who hasn't walked yet (4)

[zew]

I'll tell you, I'm sick over this whole thing.

I can only state my offer of putting everything on the table, working through issues, state my conditions of MC - 2 people only. I can accept first A - I understand how it happened, we can learn from it and use this MC. But I can't go through another A.

Then her actions tell all.

[zew]

MC was as expected. W went through litany of past grievances. I've 180'd some of them, and others are self fulfilling prophecies of WAW (not romantic, don't spend time together, etc.)

W couldn't explain why she was there. She said she was "indifferent" to M. MC told her you kind of had to be committed.
I mean she did dump everything, and if she keeps showing up, the MC is going to make her confront it. W made every effort to me out to be a villain. That's ok - I want the whole list on the table.

MC told W she would have to stop blaming for some things that I've stopped doing. Good sign - she's forward thinking and not going to let W dwell on the past.

W would not admit A1. Just stared. I told MC about evidence. MC said "ok, there was an A".

It wasn't until last minute of session that I was able to squeeze in my conditions of going to MC - honesty and only 2 people in M. MC asked if I was concerned that A was still ongoing. I said I was concerned that W was starting new A with OM2. W turned red. I said I recognized that W could make whatever decisions she wanted, but they were inconsistent with M. MC told W that MC wouldn't work if she was in an A and that she needed to make some decisions, and also that I had to quit scrutinizing W.

We booked next session. W indifferently agreed. I'm sure she's looking for the "unviable" excuse. I don't know if MC will let her off that easily. She really directed the conversation. For me, whether we return depends on what happens next with A2.

W is mad as he11 with me right now. This certainly didn't draw her any nearer, nor can I expect it to have any impact on A2 other than to drive it underground. But once again, there's no secret.

[zew]

When there is no remorse after you've been outed, there's nothing left but rebellion and resentment. Oh, and she does feel very entitled. If she ever has a doubt, her posse will set her straight. It doesn't have to make sense to her, b/c she running on the high she gets from it.......just like a drug user.

Sandi you were dead on. She's not talking to her family now since they know. There's only one member of the local posse left; the twice-D'd single mom. She's looking for someone to go with her to pick up men at bars, and W is it. Everyone else in the local posse has pretty much dropped out now. The first OM was true love and romance, but OM2 in a week?

I wondered (not really) if they'd go out tonight, and sure enough, W mentioned at dinner that she was going out tonight. I knew it had to be posse, and I'm sure OM2 will show up. He's D'd, so he doesn't have to worry about his M like OM1 did.

So she is just kicking up her heels, as you said. OM2 a week after the end of OM1? There's no love here, it's just the high of some guy hitting on you.

My reaction tonight? While I find this whole thing revolting, tonight, I really didn't care. I know where she's going and what she's doing, and she's been outed and doesn't care. I've lost any urge to snoop; there's nothing left to know at this point -- until she's begging to come back, she's screwing someone.

I was willing the pass off the first A as bad judgement, but this is now just rebellion. I can't control it, I can hate it, but that's not going to help either, so I said absolutely nothing tonight. She tried to have a conversation with me as she left, "just going out". My boundary of honesty just won't let me engage.

This is worse than bad judgement, this is no judgement. This is addiction. She knows where this leads, and she can't afford that, but off she goes. Tells me there's no thought of the kids, how she'll live, or anything. This isn't a well thought out WAW exit plan, this is just the thrill of dating. She's unable to manage the timeline.

MC's eyebrows raised when W described drugs she was on and that 2 of her siblings were BPD, and one of those is drug addict/alcoholic. And that W just ended and A, and was starting a new A a week later. I may go to MC alone this week just to fill in MC. Given the situation, I want to hear if MC sees any value in trying to work on any of the issues, given W's frame of mind (unlikely). The only benefit I see is that unlike T who passively listens and validates, MC challenges and forces an answer, but usually a conveniently dishonest answer. We will still need to co-parent, after all.

So while it's a tragedy to see her self destruct, it makes it easy to shift my focus on my next steps for me. Of course, maybe it isn't self destruction - maybe she really wants to be a much poorer D'd single mom in the bar scene. To each his own. I have established for myself (in spite of you all telling me beforehand ) that there is truly nothing I can do to help her on her journey, except maybe to continue my journey alone.

[zew]

A little humor.

Last week W was angry with me because I went out without telling her that I was leaving. "I always tell you when I'm going", she said, indignantly.

I laughed and to myself thought - "Yes, how good of you to tell me you're going out (for a booty call with OM)."

So lately, when she leaves, she says "Back in a few." And now I laugh to myself -- a few what? (minutes, hours, days, men) And it just doesn't matter to me anymore. It's so much more comfortable when she isn't in the house - she's so tense when she's here - D12 has even said "What's with Mom?" and I just shut up. D12 and I are having a lot of time together lately, and it's so relaxed.

W left with a bottle of wine just now, which means she's going to commiserate with a GF. Which means she's still trying to rationalize this. That, to me, is the funniest part. How she can do what she does, and still be bothered enough to have to complain about every little thing I say or do. She still has to rationalize.

I've learned a lot about emotions in the last year, and I'm pretty grateful for that. I found out that even I have them, and it's better to feel than to suppress them.

[sandi2]

How are you doing, Zew?

[zew]

short answer...

I've spent the last 3 days calmly gathering everything I need to file, filling out my financial statement, chasing down financial institutions for the value of all my holdings at the time of my marriage.

Boy Scout's motto...

[owl777]

You care. I do the same thing in my mind. Try not to make huge assumptions about where W is going and doing what? When H left it helped.

[zew]

Yes, Owl, I care.

I also know I care a lot less today than 2 weeks ago. With OM1, I could understand how that EA turned into a PA. The whole OM2 thing a week after ending A1, though, that's been a game changer. Something about not being Plan B, but demoted to Plan C. But I don't put a lot of stock in that either - right now W is just someone other than any of us ever knew.

I guarantee, I'm not assuming anything about W. Those details no longer matter. Her choices. Not for me to control or judge. And yes, I believe it might help her if she left, but she won't.

Nothing has helped me detach as much as the events of the last two weeks. I can't even imagine what R would look like anymore -- I used to have a clear picture, naively.

So, I've been gathering info, crunching numbers; getting comfortable with the alternative outcomes.

W will not be able to keep the house, unless some OM moves in right away and starts paying the bills, or she somehow gets a mortgage with little income. Whatever; not my problem - I walk away with cash.

I don't want the house. It was always bigger than we needed, and there are better configurations for my hobbies. Looking forward to downsizing to something that works better for me. Don't know that I want to live in this town, either, after all this, no matter how it turns out - triggers abound. And the commute sux too.

Child support will be about what I pay on W's CC each month, so it's about a wash. And without the big house mortgage and expenses, I'll be just fine.

So nothing hasty here - a few key events come up in the next month that may change things, for better or worse. Just having the same thoughts we all have from time to time; I realize that the script for the LBH is about as rigid as it is for the WAW.

Somehow, I'm enjoying a new level of peacefulness.

[Pluto]

Zew, I feel like I'm at the same crossroads, so perhaps you're right about the LBS' script.

My WAW's A has gone on long enough and she's pushing down the path to D pretty hard, I feel like I'm out of DB and solution oriented options.

I'm also looking at my alternatives and don't see how our R could work at this point. I've detached pretty well and now realize that this will ultimately be W's loss if she lets me go. I'll be fine, but I can't say the same for her.

Stay strong, this too shall pass.

[zew]

W isn't pushing for D. She just want to act single while I continue to provide for everything.

I am kind of beyond caring whether W ever senses a loss or not. That has nothing to do with me living my life to my best.

She's wrapped up in astrology lately. Anything to justify the behavior. So as we were watching the baseball game together, she is looking up compatibility of her sign with OM. And it says trouble and bliss. And so I looked up her sign with my sign. Of course, it says trouble and bliss. It's astrology.
And I say to myself, I'm actually trying to put something back together with someone who is looking to astrology to guide their life decisions.**

**No offense to those out there who believe in Astrology. Not my thing; thought I had screened for that back when interviewing life partners; apparently W slipped through.