Hoping to find my way

[ItHurts]

Yeah I guess that can be tricky like that. I probably would change my status to divorced/single at this point though.

[Maybell]

Or just let it be. It hasn't been very long. Just let things be and focus on making your changes a real part of yourself.

[Thornton]

Yeah I let it be. I just changed my profile pic to one of me and our girls.

My WAW changed her profile a few weeks back to just her and her daughter, that stung a little bit because her "thing" was that it was always a pic of her and I.

I need to switch gears and DETACH!!! I wish there was a formula for it. Some days I feel pretty good, other days I feel like I did the day of the bomb.

I've felt weak yesterday and today. I'm going to the gym after work and then I'll probably look into a book that Mach suggested.

I'm also waiting for my anti-depressants to kick in. Probably another few weeks before that happens.

[Wonka]

Thorton,

Just a few thoughts....

Regarding my shortcomings, things I want to change about myself:

I've frequently been insecure in my relationships. Where does that insecurity coming from? How and why do you feel that way? As a means to overcompensate, I have put on a front like it didn't care.

Early on in my relationship with WAW, I would threaten to leave her if I didn't get my way.That is a nasty way to control someone. How are you addressing this? What does that look like to you? She would go to the ends of the earth to make things better. This would inflate my ego and make me feel like I held all the power in the relationship. I was a total Ahole. Slowly I began to change my stance on things like this but the damage was done.

I also became jealous of WAW's friends and sometimes even her family. Jealousy is a outward manifestation of insecurity. It seems quite smothering if W were to spend all of her time with you...right? Then she would not have been as well rounded person as she would have liked if you kept her on a short leash.She is very family oriented and I would be hurt if she wanted to spend time with them. I was so selfish and didn't let her be who she really was. The guilt/shame I have from this is significant.

Controlling money was a big one for me. My exW wiped me out during our relationship and divorce. I was bound and determined to never let that happen again. Isn't that an unresolved fear that you've carried over into this M? What can you do to overcome this fear and let it go? I became even more controlling once we started saving for a house. I define myself as a provider, the person in the R that makes things happen. I never realized I was changing her view of me in the process.

I fell victim to many of the "alpha male" methodologies. Many of my friends believe in this stuff as a means to always be control of the relationship. I realize now, that this wasn't love. It was game playing at it's finest. It is good to see that you do recognize this!

Entitlement. ANother big one for me. When WAW went to rehab, I held the fort down. I took care of the kids while she was away for a month. It was a very painful period for me. I missed her so much and was stressed with the unknowns of a newly sober person coming back home. When she came home, I felt she owed me for toughing it out. For going through the pain with her. Scorekeeping. When you add up the scorekeeping, it is when resentment sets in. What have you thought about some of the ways you can curb your scorekeeping? Again, not unconditional love. I feel ashamed that I felt this way.

These are the things I want to do 180's on. I want to be genuine and allow myself to be vulnerable in relationships. I realize that control only ruins things.

Basically I'm a very fearful person. Not exactly an attractive quality.

I plan on working on these things with my therapist. To believe in myself, to be confident, to not fear life's hills and valleys.
And to allow my WAW (or whoever I end up with) to be free to choice their paths. Again, this is scary territory for me. What if they realize life is better without me? Find someone better than me? Very unhealthy thinking.

I know this is going to be a long and probably painful process but I want to be better. I want my partner to be proud of me.

Those are good steps that you're taking to actively address your issues. Break down these goals and really think about some of the ways you can achieve them. What actions and words will you be changing to reflect the "newer, improved" Thornton?

First and foremost, you want to BE PROUD of yourself. That is the most important step in DBing. If you are not proud of yourself, then how can you expect your partner to be proud of you?

Make sense?

[Thornton]

My insecurity comes from a fear of abandonment. My sister was killed in an accident when I was 10 years old. Both of my parents mentally checked out due to their grief.

Regarding threatening to leave when I was mad, I actually made huge strides in correcting this with WAW over the past 2 years. However, I think the damage had been done.

Jealousy stems from a fear that I'm not good enough. "Why would WAW want to spend time with her sister? She hasn't seen me all week due to work schedules?" There are also some codependency issues there as well.

Regarding controlling my fear from previous relationships, that's a tough one for me. I think it will get worse before it gets better if things dont work out with WAW (She is by far the most trust worthy of all the women Ive dated). This issue is going to take some digging to get to the root for me.

Scorekeeping. I'm aware of scorekeeping creating issues in relationships. I think because of my codependency issues, I do a lot of the heavy lifting in the relationship. I eventually wear down and begin to get resentful.

I need to really focus on being balanced in all parts of life. Work/life/kids/recreation/personal growth/future planning etc.

[ItHurts]

Sorry to hear all this Thorn. You sound like my WAW who is also a self-admitted co-dependent. I think she too built up resentment towards me as you describe here. I really hope to see you accomplish those things in your last sentence as well. Good luck my friend.

[Thornton]

Today has been rough. I apologize for being such a downer, please don't give up on me yet people.

I went to the gym, worked out for about 30 minutes and then promptly broke down in tears and had to leave.

Im struggling with detachment. This has been such a shock to my system that I'm having trouble processing it.

By the Grace of God, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I really need it.

I'm also thinking about switching counselors to a LMFT that uses Solution Based Therapy and he is also a certified addiction counselor. I'm hopeful he can help me work on my issues stemming from codependence and also provide insight into what WAW is experiencing.

I'm hoping I'll start to detach soon. This is has been so painful and I'm emotionally exhausted. The constant reminders of WAW have been especially hard to cope with.

So sorry to be down, I hope you are all doing well.

[Maybell]

One of the things that has amazed me since I started reading through this site is the vast ocean of pain expressed here. It hurts to read it all, even in the midst of my own pain. Don't apologize for yours. It's a drop in a sorrowful ocean.

Give YOURSELF the gift of time, too. Detaching isn't an all at once thing. And it's also not something that just happens. On the infidelity forum there are a couple of threads that talk about "thought-stopping" -- where when you find yourself obsessing you imagine a huge stop sign and then move to another thought. Someone else talked about seeing the WAW as a crazy neighbor for a while, and then a hurting acquaintance, and then finally was able to have a close enough relationship where some of the hurt could heal. But still had to stay detached, because that's where the real closeness is.

None of these things is a magic bullet. It takes practice. I took yoga for several years and my instructor talked about "monkey mind" -- if you don't practice control over your thoughts your mind will go where it wants to go. You have to practice in small bits at first, and then grow to larger bits, and eventually you get CLOSE to detached.

But it looks like you have some other good ideas in motion so give yourself credit for those, and don't apologize.

[Thornton]

Thanks for the kind words, Maybell. I wish there was a fast forward function for this process!

[Spartan]

Lot in common with where you are now and where I used to be. Trust me, there's hope and no one is going to give up on you. I had codependency traits, was controlling, had fear of abandonment, was a major scorekeeper, didn't love unconditionally, didn't even understand what love really was, etc... You'll get through it. Just don't give up on yourself.

I agree with Mach on a few things (man I hate saying that). Be careful not to tell the boards what you think we want to hear, tell us how you're really feeling. Not about how your WAW is or what you think she's doing, let's talk about you and what you're working through. Second thing I agree with, the book he recommended (Journey from Abandonment to Healing) is a great book. I still look at it from time to time. I would highly recommend it after Codependency book. Another book that some people found useful and helps you change the way you think with a few tips to help stop the bad thoughts is The Happiness Trap. There are other more important books for you to get through in the near future but maybe in a little bit take a look at it.



Wonka wrote a lot of stuff I was thinking when I read that post of yours. Take a look at it and really think about the questions asked and try to answer them honestly to yourself.



You say you're struggling with detaching and I fully understand that. It's a hard thing to do and it takes time but it will happen when it's ready to happen. You just don't do it overnight (even though some people on here always say just GAL and detach like it's simple). GALing and working on yourself help that but time is the biggest thing. Some days are harder than others and you have to force yourself but it's a lot better than sitting with total despair and self pity.

But guess what...

You know the one thing that makes it impossible to detach...

Trying to stay attached even when you say you want to detach. Yeah..I was told that about 50x before it sunk in so here's number one from me.

FB is the one tiny thread that connects our lives. In fact, we met on Facebook.

I like to try to get an idea of what she has going on with her life because I feel so lost in limbo.

This is NOT detaching or trying to detach...

What does what she has going on with her life have to do with you right now? Right now all you need to care about is you and your D. Better yourself, get a hobby, read anything, try to stop wondering about her and get the F off FB if you can't not look at what she's doing. Half isn't true and right now you can't care about the other half.

It's tough, I get it, I dragged my attachment out for a lot longer then needed sitting in that hole of darkness and I don't want you to relive my errors. Nothing you do or know right now about her will help you. Work on you and things will work out for you in the long run better than you could ever imagine.

Now, let's talk about some of the questions Mach and Wonka have been asking you