I can see how events trigger things. I don't understand why but having that knowledge and knowing what some warning signs are are huge for me. I know what steps I have to take to avoid future issues. You will learn this, too.
I strongly suggest you go see a psychologist. I can not imagine that I would be in the mind set I am today without the help I got from Dr Dan.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I have identified some triggers. Not all of them I'm sure. Seeing W daily doesn't trigger anger anymore. Before it was all it took to make me become a major a-hole. Not because of her but because I was ashamed of myself and resorted to being mean and angry to make me feel better about my life. I know that now. A lot of what I read on your thread did show me ME. I will always be considered that fella until people realize I'm not doing the whole "pretend to be nice to manipulate" like I did before. I'm Ok with that. I keep my children close to my thoughts. I use every memory of them to change from the failure of a father I was to what I want to be as a respectable, loving, God fearing father. Luckily I have some great examples of men in our bible study and church that have taken me under their wing. Wether or not they know it, the struggles they bring up in their lives with their S is helpful.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
MrCas, I'm not sure to tell you how where I am. I can tell you what I do I guess.
Friday had late out of town BB game with older boys. W met me in town I work to grab kids and bring me work clothes cuz game went so long. I went to work that night.
Saturday morning after work I came home. Got oldest up and took to school so he could go to band competition in Austin. W took D to out of town game. I took youngest S to game. Started feeling low so decided to do what makes me feel good about myself. I started with cleaning toilet, bathtub, and shower. Felt a little better so figured I should keep going. Then thought of bible passage from bible study. Looked it up and used it as something to go over in my head as I did dishes and started washing clothes so I could concentrate on something positive. After I Ended up watching part of a movie with youngest S when he woke up from nap. Ended up making spaghetti cuz my kids are so tired of my hamburger helper.
Sunday went to church with D and got to talk after about the kids church camps with youth leaders. I'm excited they get to go. It was iffy on how we could pay for it with money being spent elsewhere. Took oldest to BB practice and watched them while reading. Had a lot of time to process thoughts on what my life is becoming. I'm prouder of myself recently than I have been in a long time. I saw again what I had done on Saturday and a warm feeling came over me. I've never taken pride in what I accomplish unless it was to brag (yes I was bragging ^^^^) about work. The little victories I have are meaning more to me. Middle S made a comment that meant a lot to me. They are glad I'm able to take care of them. I never even knew they had thought I couldn't. We watched a very bad B-grade SciFi movie togerther (well not W) that made us laugh at it's lack of acting and graphics. Later That night we made a fast trip to Sonic in the rain for 1/2 priced shakes. I mention the rain cuz the children know I used to make excuses about why I wouldn't do things for them like that (always had an excuse). They don't care about the past (which I remember often) but as Mach1 said it's from this day forward that matters. Maybe my children subscribe to SBT and don't even know it.
Today-this morning I woke up W so she could start her day. I was tired so went back to sleep. Woke up before noon, made a small lunch for myself. Started to think about something I read so I pulled it back out and reread. Lots to think about. Some very sad, some happy, lots in between.
I'll always be perceived in the wrong way, but I've earned that title and as pastor said Sunday "you have to OWN your sins and then you will be forgiven by true confession and repentance". Boy did he hit the nail on the head. My biggest problem is all my sins are hard to remember. Either from drunkenness (back when I first met W, first few years of M) and/or I flat out can't remember. My W remembers so much more than I. One of my biggest deficiencies as a person is how easily my mind tucks away the crap I did so easily without remorse back then. How do you ask forgiveness for something you don't remember? God does, Friends/Family maybe, W never. Ok long enough. Maybe I'll see what else needs to be done around here. Kids won't be home from school for a little bit.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
1) Giving her time and space 2) Working diligently on becoming the best version of yourself possible.
I am encouraged with some of your responses regarding #2, but I haven't read (or perhaps missed) you addressing #1. I can tell you from experience - and also from listening to others who have experienced the exact same thing, and ALSO from DB fundamentals - that #1 is critical.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hey MrCas, when you asked about where I was I thought you meant what I was doing in terms of GAL & 180. To quickly answer that, I'm taking pride in my personal accomplishments. I've struggled in being a part of our household and taking time to do needed tasks. This was my own undoing as I find the little tasks I used to ignore are meaningful (albeit to just me) and I've become proud of what I can do by myself. As sad as it sounds, my cleaning and cooking has helped me feel better about myself cuz it's a small contribution that fills a void I have. Hope that helps explain why I felt it mattered that I share the small proud moments I have.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
The triggers I brought up is the list of what I guess you'd call resentments I felt inside. Included in this is things that built up over time and it seemed to trigger negative feelings in me. Things FIL said/did that W blew off. Things my own family would say/do towards myself or W that bothered me. Small things W would say and do that added up over time. The triggers were specific individuals. I wrote out my list and spent time thinking about how I acted. Tried to remember why I just let it go rather than speaking up at the time. And how I can move past the negatives.
Now not all the triggers were my own self realized truths. In the past even W had issues with how I was treated, how she was perceived, etc. Those are times that she no longer remembers and seems to not value that I had feelings at the time. That would be me holding them against her and the comment that I said that seeing W no longer is a trigger. I have forgiven her for not standing up for me and she I'm sure has forgiven (or forgotten) those instances.
The "pretend to be nice to manipulate" reference is to how I would calm down for a while in the past (years back) to get back in good terms with wife after I had a spell of angry tirade. I never feel I really dealt with the issues and I now believe it was a manipulative action to get her to like me for the time instead of fixing the long term problem. W was caring and would accept the 3-4 day nice guy so we could move on. The manipulative part (my thoughts) was that I only did it to get by and keep the peace between us, but never really planned on fixing me at the time.
I started with the personal resentments first. As I read in your threads, I also phoned in-laws and my family to apologize. Granted it was not received well but I felt compelled to do so anyway. This was a while back (I think late Feb/early Mar) and I told W I would wait until after she told family she was leaving so that they would know why I was calling.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
