Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite #3

[PatientMan]

What void do you have?

-PM

[whytry]

PM, I'm not sure I fully addressed this so...
You can't give her what she refuses to receive. The best two ways you can make it up to her right now are to:

1) Respect her wishes for time and space. Respect is important - it shows you are listening and you care about what SHE wants.

I have stopped texting unless necessary or something she would want to see or know. If she sits 6 feet away from me in the bleachers at the baseball games I stay where I'm at (don't scoot over and try to chat) and just talk with the people already sitting by me. Most conversations at home I let her start. Not that I haven't screwed up mind you, but I do recognize those instances.



2) Work on yourself and making these changes permanent. Focusing on yourself helps you deal with the pain and with becoming the best version of yourself possible. Take an honest inventory of yourself. Learn the things you like about yourself and be sure to keep them. Learn the things you DON'T like about yourself and put in the work to remedy them. Figure who YOU want to be, and diligently work to become that person. And don't let anyone or anything get in your way.

I am working on being a Christian father to my children. When they want to join me on Sundays I take them. When they want to go to Wednesday youth group I take them. Myself, I go to keep in the company of people that cherish their W and I talk with them about menial things and have grown very close to several. I still see my pastor for counseling and we discuss what problems I have and when I find myself stuck he will encourage I read a passage that is helpful or talk out what is on my mind.



Please clarify if you've finished the DR book. Read DR/DB/and others. Read up on depression, MLC, and scripture related to how a H treats, praises, and cares for his W.

[whytry]

One of the voids is self love. Sounds quirky but I lost having pride in myself. I read a passage about serving others and thought it through a while back about what tasks W did all by herself to care for our household. The few things I listed are just my way of not only serving/helping W, but our children. Now my kiddos sometimes come to help and spend time with me. It's probably only my mental image that it's that involved or helpful but I like it and it does bring back the feeling of self accomplishment that I only ever felt my job could give me. This may not be what you meant, but I'm not sure it would hurt if it lets us all relax more cuz chores are done.

[whytry]

PM, to add my own, I spend more time with my children. We watch movies together, practice baseball, play xbox/board games, etc. Not every day, but when I can. I've been putting in 65+ hour weeks so I could pay for the camps they want to attend but do so by going in ultra early to work so I don't miss afternoons with them. I leave way before W has to get up so she can start her day without being disgusted that I'm still around. If I can finish up my staff mtg before 8am, I text the 2 oldest S and tell them to have a good day and that I love them. Usually, I catch them on their morning bus ride so the pass along to youngest S & D. My oldest even wrote out a list of movies coming out this June he wants all of us to go watch so I can spend time with them when they get back from camp. D wants to go fishing for her birthday (June 29) and W will be gone on her trip so I'll be able to take them somewhere and camp as well.

[whytry]

Oh by the way, my oldest S turned 16 today. He has an academic banquet so I'll probably let him pick a day to go see a movie or do something of his choice.

[PatientMan]

I will speak to you Christian to Christian. Never believe the lie that anyONE or anyTHING can satisfy you besides God, so seek Him first. When that is your priority, the other things you are finding fulfillment in will fall into place as you are called, by God, to conduct yourself in a certain way. One of those callings is the service of others, which you have found satisfaction/void-filling in. Just don't get the order mixed up.

You are called to stay humble, serve the King, and have a peace that transcends all understanding (Phil. 4:7). Seek first the kingdom of God (Mat. 6:33), and the rest of your life will line up. Your anger issues, your idolatry of self, your addictions...whatever you are struggling with.

I encourage you to read:

• 1 Peter 4
• Phil. 4:4-13
• 2 Cor. 5:17
• Gal. 2:20
• 1 Cor. 13:4-8
• Prov. 3:5-6
• James 1:19-20
• Col. 3:12
• Gal. 5:22-23
• 2 Pet. 1:5-7

Meditating on those verses (and others you have found) can be very helpful. Let me know if you would like more that I have found useful to remember my place and purpose.

-PM

[whytry]

Thank you very much PM. Let me study what you have given me. I would like more help when you have time.

Please do not think that I am a LBS in the normal since. I appreciate all help but I don't want you to think my WAW is by her choice from not loving me. She loves me dearly and proved it over and over again. My situation is one I sadly created and drove my S away and broke her trust in me.

Thank you for pointing out the service of others vs self fulfilling value. I will have to think about what I do in my day that I thought I was honestly doing as service that may just be a self service of my need to feel as a sense of being proud of my accomplishments. The chores may only be so I feel good to contributing to our household. The helping at our small town cookoff may be more in line as serving.

[TSquared2]

The chores may only be so I feel good to contributing to our household. The helping at our small town cookoff may be more in line as serving.

There is NO difference...whether household or "public" ... the difference is in your intention, objectives, and mind.

Are you doing it because it needs getting done, with no self-serving ambitions ?

Or, are you serving your own ego (like impressing people, mollifying your ego, controlling something external to you, etc)?

[TSquared2]

5. I saw your posted that you believe your W to be really intelligent, yet, she reported different behavior and words...I would like to hear your side.
I'm not sure why my W would say she isn't intelligent. That's boggling. I've always respected her intellect even when I was mean. I am proud and blessed to have such a woman in my life. She can accomplish anything she wants.

I am sorry you misunderstood my question. She did not report she wasn't intelligent.

Thing is, I have observed over the years that people tend to project onto others what they feel bad, don't like, feel inadequate about, about within themselves. Especially when angry and frustrated. They can't accept that someone else may be better at something, more intelligent, etc. So their EGO comes out lashing, kicking, screaming and punching.

The other questions about your role models growing up, family dynamics? There within are some answers to why you act/react the way you have/do. Most of us take those early impressions into our M's. Many re-create what we grew up with in some fashion, some try to do something totally different.

As much as I wanted to be the opposite of my Dad in many ways, much of what I was modeled snuck in anyway.

You need to remember (in my opinion) what you said to her on Valentine's Day in order to understand why she is "done" after so many years of trying to make it work. You need to remember, look at and own the straw that broke the camel's back. And then go back and own the rest of YOUR words and actions over the years.

Brought me to my knees when I did...

Tough stuff. Truth can be brutal. But the truth will be known, if only by God.

[whytry]

The chores may only be so I feel good to contributing to our household. The helping at our small town cookoff may be more in line as serving.

There is NO difference...whether household or "public" ... the difference is in your intention, objectives, and mind.

Are you doing it because it needs getting done, with no self-serving ambitions ?

I was able to think on this and I have no self serving ambitions. I take care of kids needs and mine. You got me to thinking. I enjoy doing these things so I feel no obligation, I just do them.


Or, are you serving your own ego (like impressing people, mollifying your ego, controlling something external to you, etc)?

Nobody to impress cuz I doubt kids even think about house stuff. Other things have no benefit for me as a personal gain so it's just me getting out and helping out.

Thanks T2. You gave me a perspective I've missed on how and why I spend my time. MrCas (I'm pretty sure) has been trying to get me to see this and dadgum it the light bulb just came on!