Have I any hope...?

[bashy]

Hi 25. I think I'm going to have to pay for your support here ;-)

I have looked for jobs but I'm a journalist by trade and Ireland is a small place. Nothing out there and they're churning out students by the bus load.

"I told her that I was struggling with being tired all the time, that I was having to turn down meeting friends for dinner/drinks/nights out etc because of my anti-social hours and that I was taking a huge pay cut to do it. However, I said that our D would always be the No 1 priority and nothing would impact in any way me being a part of her life as much as it's always been."

I told her that I would only take specific shifts so that it didn't impact daughter. I also told her that I wanted to tell her now incase she was planning on asking me for help down the line when she starts college soon and this messed up her plans. I said I'd always be there if she needed me to mind D at night shen she starts her classes. The reason I said about social life etc is because I want her to know that I have one now as she always complained I was a homebody.

"you mentioned your d last, using the words "although"...."

Apologies, I didn't mention D last or use the word 'although'.... just the way I typed it as I was trying to remember specifics of conversation.

"?? You mean she only sees her then? Is there anything you can do to aid her or your d, with her situation? OR offer to?"
I only see her at weekends but would love to go and see her every day but would that not mean I'm seeing WAW everyday. Arent I supposed to be giving her space?
If I say I'll be there all the time or whenever she needs me isn't that defeating the purpose or not giving her space without me always being there?

"Yes it is a question I expected.
She may have hoped you'd say "I did it so I'd have more time with the people in my life who don't work nights AND for all my GAL..." Instead you mentioned everything but her or GAL.

why? Were you so afraid of looking as if you were pursuing her?"

Exactly, I'm finding it real hard to find a balance of not looking like I'm chasing but also being there for her. If I had said about spending quality time together with people I loved isn't that too obvious that she knows I havent moved on and want back together?

[25yearsmlc]

Bashy,

I'm not going to answer in detail until I read your thread all over again. I want to be sure I have all my facts before advising further.

But so you know, there will probably always be some leeway and room for debate on 4 things.

First, people will debate "pursuit versus neglect" arguments.

Second, people here will debate what cake eating is, and what is being a friendly LBS who shows he/she can change (and or, forgive)...versus a doormat.

Oh and thirdly, we all have to watch for the line between our wounded egos/false pride, and self respect. It can be a shifting, blurry line.

AND 4th, what's the difference between a healthy boundary and a punitive measure that we've justified with words like "fairness" or "teaching a lesson/showing the WAS the consequences of their choices"?

So you know, that ^^^ is NOT our job to do.

Life teaches lessons/shows consequences...

Meanwhile, I hope this ^^ helps, while I do some more homework.

(((( ))))

[bashy]

Thank you... again.
Just a side note, I've been reading over your comments previously and I forgot to respond to a question you asked about my weight (losing 24 pounds). I started working out shortly after we got married as one of the many ways I wanted to make myself look good but ensure my wife was attracted to me. Ofcourse, the resulting remark from her that she wasn't attracted to me anymore (although she only said this once) was baffling. Anyway, I await my homework ;-)

[bashy]

Just remembered a convo. with WAW from a week or two ago. We were chatting away. Everything normal. We've been getting along great probably because I have been acting normal, confident, not being needy etc.
Anyway, WAW said something along the lines of it was good we are getting along and that it would be good in the future that if we each met someone she'd love it if we could effectively double date.
I thought to myself "WTF - as if". But replied calmly and with a smile... "That probably isn't a good idea as each of our partners probably wouldn't feel comfortable".
I wonder why she said that? Has she got OM? Is she delusional about her own sitch? I'm really not sure.

[25yearsmlc]

Just remembered a convo. with WAW from a week or two ago. We were chatting away. Everything normal. We've been getting along great probably because I have been acting normal, confident, not being needy etc.
Anyway, WAW said something along the lines of it was good we are getting along and that it would be good in the future that if we each met someone she'd love it if we could effectively double date.
I thought to myself "WTF - as if". But replied calmly and with a smile... "That probably isn't a good idea as each of our partners probably wouldn't feel comfortable".
I wonder why she said that? Has she got OM? Is she delusional about her own sitch? I'm really not sure.

\\


Spend ZERO TIME ON THIS QUESTIONS^^ b/c the fact is, WASs say wacky stuff all the time. They "blurt out" some thought that they put no energy or sensitivity into, and then they are stunned when we "go bonkers" on them (and prove them right for leaving. )

They filter nothing out, and often just "spitball" ideas like this^^ one, or "hey maybe we'll be living in a commune" type of remarks are just tossed out to their kids...!!!

I cannot explain her comment to you. I read nothing into it, except zero for insight into how you would feel hearing it...(I mean, really?)

Sure, it's POSSIBLE she has an OM.


So, what, if anything would that change in your course of action?
Nothing, correct?

Okay, so why spend any energy on something that is NOT likely AND NOT going to change your course of action? You still have your work to do.

Btw, I think your answer was close to perfect...

wonder what she'd have thought if you said something like "w, I don't know if You would feel comfortable around my new gf/OW but if you think so, maybe we'll try that someday..."

And if she were to ask you if you had found someone else, you could say "Oh, you mean one OW, specifically?"

[bashy]

haha yes I wonder what she would say!!??

I certainly haven't been pondering on this as I only just remembered it a few hours ago. But thought it was interesting she said this.

Anyway, no contact for two days now. It's been tough but I will not call until Friday when I will text about collecting D. I aim to continue on the path of looking and smelling good, being positive, being confident in front of her - in fact I've been like this for about four months now and it feels good.

It's been that long actually since I made my last attempt at begging, pleading etc. Perhaps that's why she asked me last week: "Am I over her now?". I just told her "yep, all is good" and left it at that.

We're into month 6 since she told me of wanting to split. I have good and bad days. Hopefully the changes that I have made and are continuing to make will work. But I know one thing. I will not mention our R unless she brings it up - and hopefully when she does it is in some way positive.

[25yearsmlc]

haha yes I wonder what she would say!!??

I certainly haven't been pondering on this as I only just remembered it a few hours ago. But thought it was interesting she said this.

Anyway, no contact for two days now. It's been tough but I will not call until Friday when I will text about collecting D. I aim to continue on the path of looking and smelling good, being positive, being confident in front of her - in fact I've been like this for about four months now and it feels good.

It's been that long actually since I made my last attempt at begging, pleading etc. Perhaps that's why she asked me last week: "Am I over her now?". I just told her "yep, all is good" and left it at that.

This isn't a 2 x 4, but May I suggest you Not respond that way again? Can you see how you just sort of said you have given up. And healed...I know this seems counter intuitive again, b/c we say "do not pursue" and "give her space, don't show your neediness/pain", etc.


But to say it's "Sure its all good" and that you are over her, seems to be a bit much, b/c it's actively deceitful, plus and it really undermines your previous claims.
I am not saying you have to pursue her, but seems to me she's probing...
so pay more attention, please...Curious about how your fights usually began?

Bash, you know, you're always allowed to tell someone you're not comfortable answering them (and since you like being truthful, refusing to answer a question actually builds you more credibility b/c when you DO state your emotions, you're taking it seriously).
Maybe if she says something like "I'm getting better everyday in everyday" and leave it at that in an upbeat way. If she questions you more, or acts as if her choices had little or no impact on your heart, your goal is not to show that she did not matter.

Your goal, no matter what happens ---

is to show that she mattered a LOT to you, you changed when she left, and now you are moving forward in your life Better for the experience, (as in better equipped to be a loving h and friend, to someone...

We're into month 6 since she told me of wanting to split. I have good and bad days. Hopefully the changes that I have made and are continuing to make will work. But I know one thing. I will not mention our R unless she brings it up - and hopefully when she does it is in some way positive.

[bashy]

This is soooo difficult. I feel like I'm swimming against a tide.
I'm not pursuing in any way, I'm giving her space, but I'm answering things either wrongly or in the wrong way.

[bashy]

Just had a nice 20 minute chat with WAW. I rang to organise collecting D for the weekend. I then asked how she was because her dad is quite sick.
I've been thinking about this for a while but I always got annoyed when people said I put my wife on a pedestal. I didn't mind that cause I believe she deserves to be there. But after we split I went the opposite way. If she wanted help I politely said no, not cus I wanted to but because I was trying to make a point. However after reading DB I realise that wasn't our problem. Our problem was my lack of time with W and enjoying each other's company.
So, after thinking about this the last while as we chatted I asked was she ok, how was work etc. she said she was unsettled at the moment because she wants to go to college but also needs to work to support our D because I am no longer there ie separated.
So I listened then talked to her. Said I'd help her anyway I could. If I couldn't help I'd say so but we'd explore all her options. I suggested writing things down and perhaps meeting alone for an hour next week to discuss thie ie getting D looked after during summer when she's off school, how we can get her looked after if she goes to college etc. She mentioned it was nice we got along like this without arguing. I agreed. We didn't really argue when together when M but I think she meant after separating when I was angry and annoyed with her.
Anyway, I hope I have done right here. If one thing comes out of this is that our D is unaffected too badly by all that's going on. Any advise on what I said today or what to do next week would be appreciated,

[bashy]

So I collected my D today and I notice a letter on the table with my WAW's maiden name on it. It hurts....