Still trying to save my family - part 11

[Drew]

She has to respond within 20 days of being served.

So her response is due tomorrow, correct?

[Scorp7]

I was incorrect when I posted that. She was in another province when she was served so she had 30 days. 10 days to go.

[Scorp7]

Having said that, I am curious on what you all think I should do about the coming week.

I am planning to pull our large RV over to my W's town and keep the kids with me for the entire week. Basically to implement the shared time concept I have been talking about. The kids will of course be in their same schools, do their same after school activities etc.

The question is, should I tell my W my plans BEFORE I have the kids?

When I had previously told my W I planned to keep the kids with me for an extra day over the weekend she threatened to withhold the kids from me. When I told her the kids would be in school for that day and do everything they normally would do she went along with it.

Now I am planning to keep them for not one extra day but 5.

I would like to tell her my plans and be upfront about things. My concern is that she will flip out and withhold the kids from me. If I don't tell her before hand, pick the kids up on Friday and then tell her once the kids are with me she still will likely get upset however I at least would have the opportunity to show that the kids can do very well staying with me for a week while they are in school. She then hopefully will get used to the idea, see that the kids are just fine and then go along with things.

Thoughts?

[Barrybran]

Have you thought about extending for just one day at a time? ie. you had them three days last time so make it four this time, five next time, etc. It may sound great for you to have them for a whole week. Your wife and kids won't be used to it yet. Just a thought.

[Scorp7]

I am 100% sure the kids will be just fine. My concern is with how my W will react. In this case I feel I need to be thinking about how this will play out and take my W's reaction into consideration.

As Eric mentioned, having the kids away from either parent for 10 days is not good for them. When I see them on Friday it will have been 12 days since they were with me. Not good.

By sharing time with them equally my kids would never go without seeing the other parent for any more than 7 days. That is still a lot of time but it's much better than 12.

Down the road, if my W and I can get on track with each other, I'd hope we can do things together with the kids during the week so the kids don't ever go without seeing the other parent for more than a few days.

[Barrybran]

Absolutely. I get what you're saying. The sooner you can get to 50/50 or as eric suggests, what is best for the kids even if not 50/50, the better. Your wife and kids are used to not seeing you for 12 days though. They have their routines in place. If I were in your situation and my wife told me she was moving to my town to start 50/50 I'd be saying "not so fast" because I would have done the hard yards and would have my routines in place and I would not appreciate her coming in and telling me what's going on.

Have you discussed how you'll co-parent at any time in the past few months? My understanding of your entire situation to date is that she's doing the day-to-day things off her own back and you do your own thing for 2-3 days. Co-parenting is going to require communication and cooperation that you haven't had since before BD.

[Scorp7]

I definitely plan to continue with the same routines the kids are used to as far as bed times, meal times, etc etc.

My W and I have been discussing pretty much every aspect of the kids lives. It's the one area we do seem to have some decent communication. She's on board with the kids coming home for half the summer and sharing every other holiday, the remaining issue with the kids is the time they're in school.

Honestly, I think the number one issue for my W is giving up the control she has now. It will be hard for her to give that up. She has to see that the kids being with me half time is the best for them, just like I have realized that the kids need their Mom every bit as much as me. That's why I would never seek full custody and take the kids away from their Mom.

So, should I tell her my plans before hand or no? I'm still trying to DB, I haven't spoken of that much, so I want to try to work with my W.

[Barrybran]

That's one for the vets, my friend. I feel that it's a matter of courtesy to tell her. Since you've started legal proceedings, that will no doubt change the answer somewhat. On that, what you've served her is to have the kids returned to your province, right?

[Scorp7]

There is an option that the kids could be brought back to my province. I don't think that's likely to happen though and I don't think it's a good idea to wait around to find out.

My W did send me an email over the weekend saying she was hopeful we could negotiate things without going to court. She still is very cold, the walls are up again big time. It seems like each time she shows any compassion toward me she snaps back to being cold.

Anyway, I agree that it's the courteous thing to do to give her the heads up on my plans.

[Scorp7]

Any other thoughts on this vets? I'm leaning towards telling her my plans. I do have concern she will withhold the kids and deny me the chance of showing the kids will do very well with me during the school week.