Magic, You have to learn to step outside your comfort zone and learn to make decisions. You can't continue to pile up the issues in the middle of the floor, expecting to walk around them for the rest of your life. Eventually that pile of issues will take on a life of its own and then you will be shoved against the wall to either bulldoze thru the pile or not even try to get to the other side of the issues. You, and only you can make those decisions that affect you.
If you were comfortable with your definition, then that is all that matters. What I think should not have any bearing on what you decide to do. Remember, own your thoughts and make decisions that you can own, no matter what.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am a dog with a bone... I do not seem to let things go, when I feel I am not heard....GRRRRR .... I did it again!!!
I got impatient earlier today after he asked me to define exclusive. I should have fluffed it off, because we had already declared it verbally & was accepted.
But no, I had to go and discuss it again & then try to fix it because I felt it was now coming off as pressure & we were interrupted and I never did hear his response... it was not clear. I was eventually able to bring it back to light & casual.... but, I see the damage it was doing & I see how it was making me feel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What I need to do for me is to trust the outcome & let it go. To not try to fix it. As much as I want to say "ok, sorry... I feel misunderstood & can we clarify it again?
What I need to do, is trust that my Xbf understands the rules of exclusive, trust that he has never cheated on me before and is actually considering me for a relationship reconciliation & then move past this.. let it go. Trust that God & the universe will work out what ever needs to be, will be.
What He needs from me, is to show up without expectations of having this discussion yet AGAIN... to show him that I can be casual, light and carefree... not needing to define & validate myself over and over.
Initially, I thought tomorrow that I will pull back completely, go dark (and punish myself).. but that might just confuse things. I think I will try to be casual, still nice but with a little reservation...as I have now spooked myself. <<<< I don't want to be HER (controlling outcome)
IF... he should mention it, or if the opportunity presents itself again in a few days... I will just apologize and state that was the Old me & leave it at that...
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"I am a dog with a bone... I do not seem to let things go, when I feel I am not heard....GRRRRR .... I did it again!!!"
That has been your problem with many who post to you which is why we get frustrated. I hope that makes sense to you.
"I got impatient earlier today after he asked me to define exclusive. I should have fluffed it off, because we had already declared it verbally & was accepted."
YOu still don't get it. You coerced him into "accepting" things when at the root of it, HE is still the one with the internal problems. You are still forcing him to try and see things your way the same way you do to the posters here.
And before you argue that point, YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME.
"But no, I had to go and discuss it again & then try to fix it because I felt it was now coming off as pressure & we were interrupted and I never did hear his response... it was not clear. I was eventually able to bring it back to light & casual.... but, I see the damage it was doing & I see how it was making me feel."
Again, it's something you do to the posters as well.
"What I need to do for me is to trust the outcome & let it go. To not try to fix it. As much as I want to say "ok, sorry... I feel misunderstood & can we clarify it again?"
Don't you realize that's what we ALL have been banging our heads trying to tell you this whole time?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Magic, Okay, so you messed up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. What did you learn from this latest encounter?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I learned that when threatened/scared my old ugly behaviour that wants to push and push and push... to be heard, etc., comes out.
I do not like it.
This happens because I feel I am not heard and/or the conversation was interrupted and we didn't get back on track to an end result.
When I do this on this thread, its because an assumption was made & I feel the need to clarify to give the whole story or to make sense of my actions. How can one clarify things, without sounding like I am ARGUING/debating/challenging, etc?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, You know what your weaknesses are, so work on them. I provided you a link that one of the coaches created on communication on your last thread. Did you read it?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am not sure if I read it or not, so went back to look for link ... I cannot find it, are you sure you sent it to me? I will review the last thread again... and if I find it, I will be sure to read it.... I NEED IT!!
Nero... I did not see your post. Thanks for your support. Many times I do feel that the suggestions are demands... like I am expected to do as told. To not question the authority, etc. I do appreciate the advice, but my ways come across as debating/arguing (thats not how I intend it). I admit I am relentless/passionate... when trying to make a point that I don't feel is clear.
For example... it has been suggested that I have an alcohol or other addiction. This is far from the truth! As suggested, I went to the doctor to enquire about it (felt obligated to follow the suggestion, was even challenged). When I was ensured that there wasn't a problem, this person still insisted over and over... Now, how would you/anyone respectfully hold your ground on a crazy notion such as this? I am insulted to keep having to hear it. I drink casually, socially & even less than EVER before.
Some people have profiled on here about me & xbf that are just not true... some advisers just will not trust my words, but insist that I take their advice. How can I take their advice when they wont hear the truth first? and then the word "EVERYONE" comes into play. And its suggested that everyone feels the same & everyone has the same advice... it upsets me greatly because they aren't hearing the rest of the truth that may alter their initial opion...that is possible. I know that if someone told me further details, I might just change my mind.
Anyway... this post was just supposed to be about finding further information about communication. I will look again. Tx for the suggestion Job.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Magic, I'm sorry, it wasn't placed on your thread, but I had created a separate thread about it the second week of April. My apologies.
See? I made a mistake and I came back to own it and advise you as to where I had posted it. I could have just left it alone, but I wanted to correct my mistake so that you wouldn't continue looking for it on your threads.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
LMAO... thanks Job!! I would have kept looking and looking and looking (relentless!!!)
I will be absolutely CERTAIN to read that thread.
I sure hope my last post didn't offend anyone?? Sorry, just journalling my feelings and feeling like I needed to let them out.
Successful day at work, sold a vehicle to a challenging client. Was able to control myself and maintain my "coolness". Then picked up DD taxes & now I can complete mine. Then got nails done!
Home now with DD, dinner & TV.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
