Help-Rejecting individuals can be difficult to work with. Many here have tried, become frustrated and said they had enough. Others come to your rescue.
Definition " A person becomes upset or otherwise elicits supporting actions from other people. When helpful suggestions or other comfort is offered, however, they reject this and return to their complaint".
The difference between help-rejecting complainers and people who ask for help and work to solve their problems is one of motivation and belief.
I will leave it that.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I hope you understand that you are isolating alot of good people who have been trying to help you with all of your debating back. You keep saying you understand or "you know", etc. but then you do or say something that contradicts that and debate again and again.
And how dare you say some people are "doubters" about you, etc. We all believe or have believed in you. You've just chosen to ignore alot of the good advice people have laid out for you. People with years of experience living this. We all get tired of being told how wrong we are. Good luck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am not saying anyone is WRONG... I have never said anyone is WRONG!!
I am excercising my right to trust my instincts on this one. I have to start believing in myself, and being responsible for myself.
I am not a fool. I wont be played a fool either.
Starsky... u hit the nail when you said "changing the dynamic"... this is exactly what I am doing now...for a change, a 180. MM likes to "CONTROL the outcome"... I am trying my best to give up the control and see what he does/doesn't. The only person I am in control of is.... ME! I am now able to control, what I will accept and will not. Right now, I am "considering" his terms. I am in the driver seat to what I will accept. Part of my consideration, is to ensure that it will be "exclusive".
I will "Watch". I will be careful. I have my own empowerment now, finally.
Bond ~ I believe I am at the part back when you suggested that I "listen" to him! I am "hearing" him now. He is saying that he isnt READY for committment (right now), he is saying he wants to date me... and not for sex. He is doing... just THAT. I am also believing in you when you would suggest light touch. He is responding very well to any/all of my light touches/affections, even offering hugs back. He is one who has proven himself that reasonable reciprocation works best. I have always said that I beleived YOU understood him the best. He will now share coffee from the same cup... (this was removed if you recall)
I truly do not wish to isolate or to put people off just because I am not following their advice (right now)... I think I am strong enough now to take my own lead. <<<< This is a 180 for MM, trusting herself to make her own decisions. If followers do not wish to support me on this ... thats ok. I do appreciate their efforts to this point.
With that said, I am not making anyone "wrong". I am not ignoring any advice, I am setting it aside (for now)... I may choose to flip myself back, if I notice behaviours that suggest I need to protect myself.
I am not tossing out the Pearlharbr suggestion, that could possibly work for me as well. I may still follow some of the directions that were given to her. I have not completely abandoned ship here!
Heather, I do not have any addiction to alcohol or anything else.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I read your posting and went out and did some research on the Help-Rejecting individual and it was quite interesting. Thanks for the info. It explains a lot of what's going on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"I am not saying anyone is WRONG... I have never said anyone is WRONG!!"
But you see, the WAY you debate everyone and is telling them they are wrong and you're not going to listen. That's what you don't seem to get. You said you were going to work on communication. I haven't seen that and you're the only person I know on here who has had a ton of advice from the vets and they all gave up.
In fact, some of your responses come just a few minutes after someone posts to you. Even the posts that ask you to take a moment and reflect what was written. It shows, or at least gives the impression, that you're not listening or trying to learn. Yet you constantly say you're learning but you don't show it.
Don't you think that says something? Like the old saying goes... God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak.
I don't require a response, just giving you food for thought. I mean, so many people have given up on you it's sad to see that they could have been helping others rather than debating you back and forth.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I never heard of help-rejecting individuals either. That's really interesting and makes sense. Thanks Rick. I recently dealt with the mom of a student and she seems to fit. It was so frustrating.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mr. Bond, Please do a search on the Help-Rejecting Individual. It will help you better understand what's going on here. It's an eye opener!
I had to laugh because one site mentioned the "yes, but..." game and I thought of you and the way you called Magic out on the word "but".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I propose that we all step back for a bit and allow Magic to figure things out for herself. We have provided her the tools, i.e., advice, suggestions and guidance. Now, it's time for Magic to do some much needed hard work for herself.
Magic, I will be here to support you in the way of listening and commiserating w/you if, and when you need it. I will offer you encouragement, but I will no longer be offering you advice, suggestions or guidance. It's time for you to put your big girl panties on and continue working on yourself and utilizing the tools that we have provided as well as what you have learned from your women's support group.
As all of you have noticed, we have debated the discussion of her significant other and Magic to death. The problems still exist 28 threads later and the debating and excuses still continue on w/very few, if any changes. As we all say to each other from time to time, when something doesn't work, try something different. I propose that we handle Magic's situation differently by just listening and allowing her to express herself here. Debating and/or arguing isn't getting any of us anywhere w/Magic and I have been observing frustration from posters since Magic first began posting. So, let's try something different shall we? I realize it's going to be difficult not to offer up advice, suggestions and guidance, but we have to allow her some time to try to work through this situation on her own. The way I see it, if we don't do this, this situation will continue on forever in a day w/o ever being resolved and Magic will not do the hard work that she needs to do to learn about herself and what she's capable of doing for herself, as well as being a successful communicator.
Magic, I know you are going to come back and call me mean and not helpful, but the way I see it, we've tried it the proper way here on this forum and it's not worked, so it's time to try something different. Am I being mean and unhelpful? No, I'm dropping the rope and I am going to sit back and give you the space and time to figure things out for yourself w/o my interference. It's the only way that you are going to learn how to deal w/day to day decisions and to make decisions for yourself, i.e., be responsible and accountable in the real world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
EXACTLY Job.. thank you. I don't think you are being mean.
The thing here is that I am NOT ignoring or suggesting anyone is wrong... Im not sure how to communicate it other than what I just stated!
I am open to hearing suggestions, but that doesn't mean that I cannot put my own spin on it...to make it my own. I am still following the direction of my ultimate goal of commitment. I am just going about it a different way, because of what I learned and heard on the weekend.
Im not quite certain why my thread took a spin when I started to feel worthy enough to accept a date, without expectations (many other readers get this very advice). Its not like I am throwing all the previous advice out the window... I am proceeding with caution.
I admit that I am disappointed however, that I have not been recognized for my own efforts/idea here and wanting to try something on my own. I would have thought it would have been seen as MAJOR growth. Strength. Independent thinking.
In the beginning, Bond suggested for me to actually listen to what my Xbf was saying... and now I am.
One thing that may help with some clarity for the readers is to know and understand that when my Xbf and I first got together, I basically landed on his doorstep, appearing desperate for a commitment and help with parenting, to which he went along with. It was never a decision HE got to make.. it was "assumed" on him. Now, this is why 20 years later, I want to "see" if he "wants" to make that decision for himself. Not by forceful tact. Not by pressure. Not because I have an "imaginary bf. Not because of sex. Not because he realized he can't do better than me, Not because....
Because... HE choses ME!
What I am working on:
self-value listening to my inner voice & trusting it empowerment finding my own answer doing things without requiring validation from anyone listening being a better business partner not being "baited" into things ... self control (including this site) letting go of controlling outcome independence standing up for myself wanting more for myself & waiting it out, to receive it... (not in such a rush)
Im sorry if my communication does not present itself well online... I try & try. My "live" supporters from the women's group & close friends have commented about my major growth and now feel that I am well on my way. I just have to remember my own empowerment. As mentioned earlier, I know that I could totally reel him in at this point from a sexual advantage and hook him back into a rel'p that way... but that would never allow me to see his authentic self in action. ... therefore, I will not do that. (noticing my power, but won't take advantage...just to win).
As long as I remember, that I deserve more... I will get it. (maybe him, maybe not).
I am not willing to abandon the advice given... I would like to take it somehow and apply it to the approach I am now working on.
Meanwhile... I am still working on myself.. and still focused on myself. Doing the things "I want", thinking of "me & dd" first. Embracing singleness & the benefits of being single. Not putting his needs/wants/opinions/feelings ahead of my own (was majorly guilty of this!!!)
Please don't think of me as a failure... can't you guys take a bow for the success? Don't you guys see it? Really?
Quick examples:
Bond ~ "listening" to dbf, not mind-reading him. Also, I do take the time to reflect what the posters are saying.
Job ~ db'ing the posters, acting when you said time to deal with the finances, etc.
Starsky ~ intro to Pearlharbr' s story. So many of you thought I was not catching the whole story, when in fact.. I did. Recognizing her self value....regardless of the success story and her approach.
There are so many more.... I look back and KNOW so much growth.... wish someone could take credit....lol
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, I hear you and now the question that I have for you is what are you going to do for yourself? You have all of the tools that each and every poster receives here and, in fact, have received more attention than most...so what are you going to do with the tools? How are you going to start applying them to your situation? I get it that you want all of the suggestions, advice, etc., but they aren't going to help you unless YOU start utilizing the tools and making decisions, decisions that will set you on the right path.
We can't fix your problem for you...you have to do that and in order to do that you have some decisions to make about you, what you will accept and how to go about getting what you want and whether they are right or wrong, you won't know until you try them.
You've made a wee bit of progress, but it's been like pulling teeth to get you to move and I do understand that it takes time for people to finally "get it" and move forward. Now that you think you are "getting it", I want to see more progress, i.e., progress that you are making on your own using the tools that you've been provided with. You'll never learn life's lessons if you don't try and make mistakes along the way. Those mistakes will help you learn what does or does not work. Students won't learn if the teacher or parents do the homework for them and the same applies here.
It's time for us to step back a little and allow you to venture forth from the bird cage and attempt to fly. We've done our part thus far and will continue to do so in the way of support; for now, it's time for you to start doing more for yourself.
Magic, what are you going to do for you today?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
