Spoue tried I didn't, now opposite #2

[whytry]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...577#Post2448577

Link to previous

[whytry]

Sorry everyone, but my link was locked while I was away so I'll try my best to catch up.

So what are you doing other than giving superficial acts of service and talking the talk?
Why do you think she should give you another shot after treating her so shabbily for 15 years?
What changed inside you?

MrCas I'll have to let others be the judge if my acts are superficial and I'm just talking the talk. That's not a good answer I know. All I can do is stay the course and fix my deficiencies and keep on growing as a person.
Our entire marriage was not shabbily. We have had many good times and loved each other and been affectionate. I don't think anyone will ever be a perfect spouse and I do consider myself a horrible husband based on the fact I've learned more that I could have applied earlier in our marriage when we were happy and even more now. Changes I name will always sound superficial at this point because even to me they are new emotions I don't know how to process and are not anything near what my W is used to seeing.


I'm with Mr.CAS.
I don't believe a word of what you profess. Especially how wonderful you are with the chores, and children. Something smells off.

Ambivalent, you actually helped me without knowing it. I reread the passage about "believe none of what they say, and only 50% of what they do". I'm applying this to myself. If I don't see myself as sincere then why would anyone else. If I can't look inside myself and know then why would my W. Thank you


you make these changes for yourself whytry so be better for you and your kids.....you, my friend, have some work to do.
you're also going to have to figure out that she's done with trying and after 15 years I'd say that it's on you to do the right thing and PROVE (through time and patience) that you're making positive changes (not to get her back but to BE a better man/father).......start with the truth about who you are.

Whiterose, I agree with you and the changes for myself are evident only to me. For the first time I can remember, I enjoyed what a beautiful morning last Friday was so I took the day off. I never miss work (other than vacation), I've worked with pink eye in both eyes, walking pneumonia, etc. This was something that I didn't realize until I read your post and it made sense. I finally put myself before work! (Not to say I didn't get a bunch of calls on my cell, but oh what a great day it was sipping coffee by myself). Thank you for pointing it out by letting me think about it. And yes, I know I have a lot of work to do on me. Our whole marriage wasn't horrible, mostly the last while was the worst. We have many great memories of vacations, kids, time alone with each other in a hotel on the riverwalk, etc. Someone on here and the book mentioned WAS (me included) only remembers the bad times and yes I know why.


Okay, CC, you make a good point... but omission of crucial facts and the whole story is less than honest.
Just waiting for the rest of the story...

MrCas, Please let me know how far back I need to go. And I'll see if my pastor/counselor remembers something I said that I might have not posted and will keep thinking on it after I reread my posts to see what I've missed. I'm not against anyone "calling me out" to keep me moving forward. But I will say chances are if you knew me 6 months ago you would think worse of me.


So, why are you assuming I know your W? Because I can read between the lines and see what you say and figured out there is stuff missing? Don't assume anything.
I have a lot more years in life under my belt than you. I can very perceptive. I have life experiences that have taught how to be. Don't think that you are smarter than any of us or you are going to fool us, either. Like my Daddy used to tell me... "Don't try to s*** a s***ter."
You want some help? Then let us help. However, you need to come clean with the whole story. Feeding us snippets of what you want us to hear is not going to work. The only way to grow is to get all the muck out.

MrCas, my story began with the fear of everyone knowing my wife and prejudging. Through the help of the people on here I opened up and began telling more. My first posts were even thought of that I was a same sex couple. And yes I want help, I won't deny that and I thought telling about my EA and verbal abuse and stuff was the muck so I have more to learn. Please know I'm open to any questions if I'm unclear or even if you deem I'm not telling all. MrBond and Sandi2 and others have asked me things before and it's appreciated.


Sorry Mrcas but you're being very judgemental. You don't KNOW this guy is lying and everyone deserves help and advice. Back down and let him give us the blanks.
Whytry.....there appear to be a lot of blanks. I'm not going to be harsh, we all rewrite history, but what are you excluding from your story?

CallahganClown, Thank you for the reply and support. I think I left out some details when I was afraid of people judging me and it being easier for my W to find since she was using this forum for me before. She is very intelligent and has given me detailed statements of what I write on this forum so now that she knows it's plain knowledge.
Nov 2008 I was laid off as North American Manager of a large company. W began working Aug 2008.
We filed for bankruptcy, lost our house, etc.
Had failed enterprise with a guy that was not a good businessman.
Found nightshift work at factory I think March 2010.
Worked 7days/week most of the time to keep head above water.
Moved to day shift a week before V-day (I think).
I hope that's what you're asking.


Thank you uRworthy, I appreciate all help. And you are right I have found very informative people willing to help me. Please know that I see the importance of sharing and am willing to stay the course. My struggle is knowing everything I say is critiqued & criticized & prejudged (although was expected) because I am/was the problem and wouldn't have asked for help (not my norm) if it wasn't my greatest goal. Too little, too late rings so true in my case and if my kids benefit from me working on who I am then I can be happy.

[whytry]

On a happy note, I was able to spend time with kiddos on birthday (Saturday). Had morning game for daughter and evening game for youngest Son. Then we enjoyed family time playing a couple of board games.

Sunday was also great. Younger two went to church with me and then I got to relax and walk around track while older two had their baseball practice. I'm not used to being up during the day after several years on nightshift so I've really begun enjoying it.

Today was rather normal at work. This evening should be rather interesting as it's a gym night with my middle son and last time he wore me out.

[whytry]

MrCas, I thought of something else. Back in January I was still working nights and I remember waking up on an afternoon a hour or so before work. My W would sit on our bed and watch tv so when I awoke we could talk before I had to get ready and leave. Her friend in new york was needing a friend so she spent our normal time helping her. I remember being so jealous I jumped out of bed mad and went to take a shower. When I was leaving she wanted a goodbye kiss so I pecked her on their cheek instead of a loving embrace. I drove all the way to work and spent the night stewing about it. All I could think about was me not getting "my time". My W has a big heart and I'm pretty sure she knew I would be upset but I didn't handle it well.

[whytry]

Ooops hit submit.....

That I would be upset and knew what my reaction would be. That's the selfish example I could think of. Somebod needed her and iI was more worried about missing the few minutes we had when I should have asked if her friend was Ok. I should have said that Idk that I'd wake her up if she wanted when I got home to make up the time.

[Cadet]

My struggle is knowing everything I say is critiqued & criticized & prejudged (although was expected) because I am/was the problem and wouldn't have asked for help (not my norm) if it wasn't my greatest goal.

First of all the best thing is for you to have NO EXPECTATIONS!

Next is the advice that I give to all men.

Be the BEST DAD that you can BE, that is VERY attractive.

How do you want to leave your legacy to those children?

[whytry]

Thank you cadet. I'm so thankful for them. I so enjoy walking, working out, and playing ball with them. Fixing to leave for gym so we'll see how my out of shape body feels.

[MrCAS]

I am glad you came back.

Too little too late? Beats me. I know it was for my marriage but it is an entirely different story.

What I learned about DBing is that it is more about fixing ourselves first. You will never save your marriage without saving yourself. The more you work on yourself, the more changes happen, and the they will become part of you.

You have tough task ahead of you. Your W is ready to D you. You have some issues that need to be dealt with. You need to fix this stuff and it is not something I think you can tackle alone.

Let me tell you why I was beating the snot out of you. It is because I got the feeling you are looking for a quick and easy fix. Your M didn't get to this point overnight or a matter of months. It isn't going to get fixed that quick, either.

You still haven't answered questions...

Why do you think you deserve another chance with your W?

[whytry]

MrCas, I've actually been thinking about your question and it's one that if I answered today would be that I don't. There isn't anything I can say or do to prove I deserve a chance right now. All I know is what I know inside and the sincere appreciation I have for my W that I've never felt before. Like I said previously these feelings are new to me to because they are as strong but deeper as the time I held her cheeks in my hand, kissed her forehead, and looked into her blue eyes and told her I love her.

The look she gave me way back then was lost about 7-8 years ago. Her eyes give her away, every mood can be seen in them.

Do I deserve a chance, maybe later. I've seen that look twice since Christmas. Once when she told me in January she was proud of me and how well I was doing and a short while back. She has done well detaching and adding distance so she can prepare to D. But that love in her eyes let's me know that she wants happiness with or without me and has accidentally found it at home but I know she's afraid of the broken promises, afraid I'm fake, afraid it's not worth the fight.

So again to answer your question no i don't deserve her today.

[whytry]

Ok i need help. My 13 & 15 year went and lifted weights at the gym with me. We had a blast. Got back home and I ran up to work to do a quick training overview (part of my job even though I'm on days) and when I left everyone was laughing and in good spirits. I get a text a few minutes after walking in my office from my W. She's upset cuz our 13 is being disrespectful and blaming my W. My W wants me to talk to him but I don't know what to say. I offered her to let him go to my pastor's wife which deals in children but she's afraid it'll be skewed cuz religious views on marriage (I understand her concern because my pastor is my coinselor) but I don't know what to do since we can't afford a different counselor and I want my child's fears addressed. How do I help him? Help?