Thanks a ton. It means a lot and I appreciate it. To some degree I know I'm on the right track because I see the improvements in my own life. Still feels like I'm groping around in the dark a lot of the time though.
Guess I have to remind myself I'm only a month into this thing, no matter how long it seems like it's been.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
One of the best things I gathered about DB'ing was to think about the BIGGEST amount of patience you have ever had to employ and then multiply it by a factor of 5. It's a long road filled with non-linear progress....forward....back....up....down. Lather, rinse, repeat. One month in isn't much yet, and you appear to be doing MUCH better then I was at my month 1. I was still blaming her hormones and anything else that I thought would make sense.
Ugh... so I just got a "it's too late and nothing is going to change my feelings" talk from W. W spent almost the entire day in bed and when I woke her up this evening to tell her it was time to take the kids to her parents for dinner she asked me to sit and talk with her for a minute.
She said she was feeling extremely depressed, and said that it was because of our sitch and how it was affecting her. She said it's been making her uncomfortable that we get along so well and it's been making her feel like I thought she might have changed her mind. She reiterated that things have been great and my changes have been wonderful, and things have been for the past month the way she always wanted them to be, but that she doesn't believe the changes will stick and that even if they did it's just not enough to overcome the past 10 years of heartache and disappointment. I basically told her that I understood her feelings, but I had to keep doing what was right for me and for the kids and so regardless of what she thought about it I had to just keep on keeping on. I said she may be the beneficiary of them, but the changes are for me.
I engaged with the R talk more than I think I really should have, but... she brought it up, so... The short version of what I had to say was that I understood and respected her feelings and her decisions, but that I was of the opinion that what is best for me and the kids is for us to work things out within the context of the marriage, but since she didn't feel the same way she needed to do what she thought was right, and if that meant moving out she should go as soon as she was ready. So that's pretty much where we left things, with her saying it was too late, and the marriage has been too much work, and she just didn't want to do it anymore.
So she gave me a big hug and then headed off to her parents. Two minutes later she came back through the front door (her parents live two houses away) and said she just needed to give me one more hug, and then she asked me if I wanted to watch a movie when she got back from her parents.
This woman... sometimes I think she might be just a wee bit crazy.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I guess I should say that when I wrote "This woman... sometimes I think she might be just a wee bit crazy." I was being quite facetious...or sarcastic...whatever the appropriate word there is.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Our situations seem eerily similar. wife wants out but still wants to do things together. Only difference is I met my wife and we started dating the next day, then had sex soon after that. Later on she felt like we should've waited but drunk 21 year olds will do things.
I praise you on you staying calm and positive despite being torn apart inside. Stay the course! It will be hard because all you want is to be loved again and it may come in time. And if it does you know it will be genuine and not reactionary to your 180's.
Me 38 Her 38 Daughter 7 Married 11 Together 16 BD 3/21/14 Moved out 3/8/15 D final 3/11/15
That has to be tough. From what I have read it seems like typical WAW. She's wavering but doesn't like it, she had her mind made up and thought she knew how you would react to it but you've done the complete opposite.
And the too much R talk? I wouldn't worry too much about it. It seems like it may have been warranted. You didn't initiate the conversation, so I think that is big.
Good luck! Keep at it!
Me 38 Her 38 Daughter 7 Married 11 Together 16 BD 3/21/14 Moved out 3/8/15 D final 3/11/15
After all that talk by my wife regarding her mind being made up, she came home from her parents and we watched a movie. She asked me to join her on the couch and then for a massage. So weird.
Then this morning she woke me up with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and asked if we could have a "family sick day" (what we call it when we let the kids skip a day of school so we can all hang out). I said sure and got up and made breakfast for the kids while W went to an IC session...one during which I had been under the impression she was going to discuss moving out and how to tell the kids. Not sure if that's the case now or what. We're all going out to eat and see a movie when she gets back, so... Quite the rollercoaster ride indeed.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I know I'm not supposed to be hanging on every word W says, but I've been thinking a lot about something she said this morning when she woke me up to ask about the kids staying home. I was still in a sleep fog so it didn't really register until later, but after she gave me the peck on the cheek I recall her saying "I have a renewed sense of hope."
What the heck does that mean? She certainly didn't follow up with anything that would give an indication... and I figure from a DB perspective it's best not to ask. The only other interaction we've had to day was when I took a break from working at home to join her and the kids for a bit in the living room. I went to sit down next to D8 and W said something like "Yay, you're coming to join us...but your sitting in the wrong spot" and then motioned for me to sit with her on her couch instead of next to D8.
I guess this is one of the many reasons why I'm not supposed to mind read and need to detach...there's no consistency to what she does or says.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Well the bad news is she is vacillating....the good new is, well, she's vacillating. And at a bare minimum that is indicative of SOME level of internal struggle. As uncomfortable as that may be, it is not the WORST place to be at all. I think you are handling things well. Don't get too high on the positive signs, don't get too low on the negatives....find your groove and stay in it.....and keep posting. You'll find it is a lot better to say stuff here as opposed to saying it to your W.
