WAW...Again

[stumps]

Ugh... So... Major backslide or setback yesterday. Not quite sure what to call it. Had a great Easter with the family at W's aunt and uncle's house. Afterward as we were walking to the car W remarked what a wonderful time she had and remarked something like "where has this Stumps been? I haven't seen him in so long." Wasn't sure how to respond so I just said he's been inside me all along, he just needed a little help to shine throught. "Fair enough" W responded and we had fun pleasant conversation the whole way home.

However... as soon as we got home in the evening W headed right back out to meet up with a friend "for an hour or so". Well, an hour or so turned
into 3 hours, than 4, than 5 with no word from her. I have been doing a stellar job of not questionning where she goes and what she does, but this time...it got under my skin. She skipped the kids' dinner, bath, and bedtimes without
so much as a text and after answering the kids' "when's Mom coming home?" questions with "I don't know" for the umpteenth time my calm started
to crack.

W finally came home around 11pm, fairly trashed, and said she'd been out having a "pity party" for herself regarding the D. Said she was pissed at me and felt ripped off because of all the changes I'm making now that she's planning on leaving. Said she's happy for me seeing all the positive changes in my life but so angry that the D is what it took to make them happen. Said she's still planningon leaving and is just waiting for me to tell her what my plan is before we break it to the kids. I told her my only real option is to move about two hours away to the town where we had been looking for a house together because that was the closest place I could afford to live on my own. She doesn't like that idea for some reason and insists there must be something closer (there isn't) and I responded as gently as I could that I had fully explored my options and that this is what was going to work best for me since I was in a situation in which there was no way for me to stay any closer to the kids.

I could be wrong, but I've been "single dad'ing" it for so long at this point I think it may have dawned on her that D means I'm not going to be around in the same capacity anymore. For the sake of the kids I would be if I could, I just can't afford it. It breaks my heart, but I think I'm looking at a sitch where I become "weekend dad" and W and her parents (whom she'll be living with) have the kids during the week. It's the only thing that seems financially viable. I'm kind of surprised she seems so resistant to the idea...at least she'll get to keep partying on the weekends like she's been doing.

So, it was a not very productive, emotionally charged conversation that we would have been better off not having. I've just been doing so much and picking up all the household slack while W blows off everything that it finally got to me. All that came of it was W confirming that she sees my changes but doesn't believe they'll
stick, they make her angry, and she says she still loves and cares about me, still enjoys spending time with me, but that she's still planning on leaving as soon as I tell her what my plan is.

Felt like a pretty big setback from a DB perspective, but all I can do is learn from it and move on.

Onward and upward as they say.

[Bunches]

I think holiday weekends tend to be a tough time for most of us. Its easy to look at your W and think of better times or what could be but it doesn't help. I'm glad you had such a good weekend with the family to begin with though.

Do you think this disappointed feeling comes from expectations? Did you feel like the good part of the weekend would change something?

[stumps]

Do you think this disappointed feeling comes from expectations? Did you feel like the good part of the weekend would change something?

Good questions... I think it was expectations, although not so much about the R in and of itself. W has been partying a lot lately, and I've been picking up the slack at home. I'm no stranger to having a good time, but it's gotten a little out of hand. I guess I felt like after a long fun day with her family, and Spring Break ending/the kids going back to school the next day, she could maybe bring the party to an end early for once and help wind things down at home. Instead she just wanted to meet up with her friend at the neighborhood pub. An hour so was fine with me, and I said so. But when that turned into 5 hours of being M.I.A. it just finally got to me.

[Bunches]

I sympathize Stumps. I asked those questions because I found the same challenges over the holiday weekend. We all want to feel like our spouse is feeling the pain and missing the R, but we are all guilty of mind reading and expectations when we try to figure out what they are feeling, thinking, or how they will react. I know its tough, can't say I'm doing any better.

[stumps]

Well I'm wishing the best for you... And for us all.

I can say that my W did remark that the "pity party" was because of the suffering involved in our sitch and the misery she knows will be felt by all parties involved. I guess in a weird way it is good to know that she is not immune to that.

[stumps]

Been thinking a lot about this... About how expectations are expectations, regardless of whether they're about the relationship specifically or not. From a DB perspective, I need to abandon any expectations at all at this stage...especially if I'm dealing with what sometimes seems like an "anytime MLC".

As an epilogue of sorts to last night's events, W and I had lunch plans for today that I assumed she would want to cancel, but she brought up that she still wanted to go and subsequently W apologized sincerely for her behavior and for hurting me (her word not mine). Lunch was enjoyable and from our current interaction one wouldn't suspect any conflict happened the night before.

I think I need to more on top of my own thoughts, behaviors, and responses.

[stumps]

Just doing a little inventory...

I'm about a month in since the bomb dropped, so not very long by DB standards. I've ben doing ok re: GAL... Working out regularly, in touch with old friends and doing stuff with them. 180's have beem even better. I'm really identifying my own flaws and going in the opposite direction.

Not only is W is definitely noticing, but I've also been getting alot of positive feedback from people more removed from the situation. It feels good to feel good... Still have some moments of quiet despair, but overall I'm doing pretty d@mn well.

I've only suffered one setback, the argument we had the other night, and I seem to have recovered from that about as well as could be expected...W apologized and we spent a pleasant next day together. Nothing to indicate she's changed her mind but she's definitely liking the me she's seeing so... Just going to keep it up. If it doesn't change my sitch it at least is making everything else about my life better.

[stumps]

I have been thinking a lot about friendship today... My wife and I were and continue to be such great friends. This, to me, is the foundation a marriage is built upon. W and I continue to get along great. One of the vets on another post had said that getting along so well likes this provides the LBS with opportunities to shine for the WAS...opportunities for the WAS to see what he/she will be missing. Sometimes I wonder though. This isn't a pursuit situation, because my W wants me to do thing with her...and it is a major 180 for me to accept and say yes, because I used to almost always turn her down.

An example, W texted me last night to say her friend from work was coming home with her to hang out for a little bit (Friend knows what's going on between us). When they got to the house I built a fire in the firepit for them and then asked W if she wanted me to leave them alone so they could hang out and have some "girl talk". W said no, that she had invited F over so that we could all spend some time together and she wanted me to stay. So I did, and we had a great time.

Another example, W and kids go to her parents every Monday for dinner. I almost always decline to come. As a 180, the past few weeks I have been expressing interest in coming ("I would love to accompany you and the kids to your parents, but I completely understand and don't mind if you want to have some alone time with your folks.") Each time, W has said she wants me to come, and we all end up having a great time.

It just seems weird... W has expressed several times that I've become the H she always wanted...but when the R comes up (brought up by her, not me) she also makes it clear that she hasn't changed her mind, too little/too late, doesn't believe the changes will stick, etc. She has expressed fear, however, that the changes MIGHT stick and then some other woman will "snatch" me up.

So I wonder...does this mean I'm squarely in the friend zone...and is this a good thing or a bad thing?

[Bunches]

I can relate, the friend zone is a terrifying idea. But DB does say that it takes time for WAW to see and believe those changes. I think the scale, that is not going to be accurate in all situations, was referenced as a month for every year that WAW sees that it was a problem or that they experienced a painful situation. I myself feel like I'm dealing with this still but I think its great that you have been lucky enough to hear her say you are the H she always wanted. I think that shows great steps in the right direction.

[stumps]

Kind of a weird night last night. W came home from work in the evening, said hello to the kids and then pulled me aside to the bedroom where she told me she was having a really hard/bad day. She started getting teary-eyed and told me she felt ultra-depressed and overwhelmed, and that she felt like she just needed a couple of hours alone to process everything that's been going on, but that feeling that way made her feel like a bad mom because she knew the kids had been looking forward to seeing her all day. She said it also made her feel guilty because she knew I had been working all day and probably wanted some relief from watching the kids, but that ultimately she felt like she needed some space to be on her own for a little bit to cry and "let it all out" and felt like she couldn't hide how she was currently feeling and didn't want to the kids to see that.

Interestingly, she also said that even though it added to her "bad mom" feelings, she would rather take the time to go off on her own for a little bit while the kids were still up, because that way she wouldn't miss out on "hang out" time with me after the kids were asleep.

So, I validated everything she had to say and made sure I told her that I didn't think she had anything to feel guilty about and that I was perfectly ok with her going for a drive or doing whatever she felt like she needed to. Also made sure to let her know that I wasn't thinking whatever negative thoughts about it that she thought I might be (one of her issues is attributing thoughts to me that I don't have).

W texted me a little while later to let me know she had grabbed some dinner and then went to the park to walk and have some "self therapy", and that me being so kind and understanding had been a big help. She came home a little while later and we spent the rest of the evening watching a movie. I had kind of expected (there are those expectations again) for her to want to have some kind of talk when she got home, but she just thanked me again for letting her have some time to herself and we left it at that.

While she was gone I kept up one of my 180/GALs and hung out with the neighbors in their front yard for a bit. Got a really nice ego-boosting compliment too; one of the neighbors told me that some of the moms who see me picking up the kids from school have started calling me "hot dad". Kind of embarrassing, but made me feel kind of good too... I've really been missing the love and affection from my wife, and it was nice to get a little esteem boost...even though the only person I really want it from (aside from myself!) is my W.