life in a mess

[sandi2]

Thinking about you today, Andy. I know this is so painful for you. I believe you have to allow yourself to grieve over the loss of your W and the MR you once had together. When we lose a loved one in death, we have to grieve in order to heal and be able to move on with living.

You may not feel up to GAL in some ways, but it is so important to take good care of yourself while going through this stage. Some people get where they can't eat or sleep. It not a sign of weakness to turn to a doctor for help in this.

In the meantime, you will have support here. Your life will get better.

((Andy))

[AndyK]

Thanks Sandi, I really appreciate the kind words.
I spent a few hours with one of my best friends yesterday who is very wise.
He really helped me sort out some things in my head and I felt better.
Then I went alone to my counselling and again this helped.
Of course then whem I went home ( she was babysitiing, her own children!!!) we had a conversation that went like this.
Me.' I need to do something next Tuesday evening, can you have the boys overnight?'
Her. ' I don't think I have anything on, yeah should be fine'
Me.' Ok, I might also need you from time to time to have them on overnight stays as I am very tired and I need a break'
Her. ' Well I hope you're not going to just spring it on me, I might have a hairdressing appointment or something so don't be just springing it on me'
Me. ' To be honest I would think your boys take priority over a hairdressing appointment'
Her. 'Stop being an a...ole'

Unbelievable
She barely sees the boys ( although she disagrees and thinks she sees them loads) and yet as soon as I suggest her having them extra she goes nuts.
She only keeps them overnight on alternate Saturdays so shy is she being so selfish, I'm baffled.
Anyway, she has now said she wants to go to MC with me next week.
She wanted to go back on her own but its my counsellor and he said he would only see her after a joint session and in the context of our relationship whether its survives or not.
I though she would refuse but she agreed???
So we are going together next week...Jesus Wept!!!

[sandi2]

What is her point, if she is not interested in the M? It will, however, keep your wound open and you will probably be upset at whatever she has to say during the session.
Just brace yourself for anything and have zero expectations of it helping "you" at all. She isn't going to help the MR or to help you in any way. She is going for whatever "she" can get.

Yes, the WAS are unbelievably selfish, and I think you have only just began to see what will probably get worse before it's over.. Have you thought of setting up a schedule for when the kids stay at her place? You need some time for yourself, and she should act like a parent and keep them.

[AndyK]

I don't think she could hurt me any more than she already has.
I am interested to hear what she has to say as she has yet to explain why she wants to end our marriage so suddenly. I know we weren't perfect bit we were pretty good. Also I've yet to see any remorse for her affair, that would be nice.
I have the boys mainly because our 9 year old has behavioural issues and hated going from house to house. We asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to stay here all the time.
She agreed but was supposed to come round every day to help. That lasted one week and now she only comes Mon and Tues.
I will ask her to help out though as I do get tired and would like a break. Even one night per week. Prob is I think she should be offering but she seems happy to let me get on with it.

[MrBond]

Why on earth do you want to keep going to C with her? The first one didn't go so well and you pretty much told her you were done, which wasn't a great idea because it allowed her to go and do what she wanted with your blessing and it just made you feel worse.

There's a big reason why one of the main DB principles is to not talk about the R. But you keep allowing it.

[AndyK]

I have made the decision to move on.
But part of me wants to see how this will go.
We have never actually been to MC together before and she seems to really like and trust the consellor.
He may be able to get her to talk about things she won't with me but then again maybe not
I am determined to GAL whatever happens but I feel it is worth going just to see what comes of it.
I am fully expecting her to try and say or do something to railroad things but I am going to stay calm and dignified.
He seems to be very switched on and I am sure he will make sure she doesn't get away with any BS.

[MrBond]

"I have made the decision to move on."

So you don't want to save your M. Okay that's fine. So why don't you go ahead and file? I mean you can't seem to stop yourself from being affected. That's all on you. YOU are causing yourself the pain. She's not. You can control that.

All I hear is you talking about your pride taking a hit. In fact, I don't recall you writing about any issues that were in the M that might have caused her to stray. Or, more importantly, anything you had done that she didn't like in the M.

You say alot of things like she "suddenly" changed, etc. Ask any WAS and they'll tell you that the decision is never made without serious thought.

But if you can't handle that and want to blame everything on your W the way she is blaming you, then you might as well file.

[AndyK]

I am not perfect and yes there have been some issues in the past which hang over us.
I had a problem with gambling for a few years but that has been dealt with, at least I haven't gambled for a few years.
She said at the beginning of all of this that it was to do with my age ( I am 50 she is 32) and that she no longer found me attractive.
The OM was 8 years her junior and a very attractive guy who could have got just about any girl he wanted. He didn't want her apart from the sex so she basically put everything on the line for some fun.
She has now started to use the gambling as an excuse now I get that she needs to find reasons but it still doesn't excuse her behaviour at the moment.
I'm sure that had an effect on her but we spent months dealing with it and getting professional help and she made a 100% commitment to me and our marriage and I have never let her down since.
I suppose if I am honest I have focused so heavily in never going back there that I probably neglected her needs etc.
That may well have been a contributing factor but I can still say I honestly didn't see it coming as we had moved on so much from it and our lives were really starting to move in a very good direction.
Something changed last Nov when I turned 50, she said she didn't like it and although she had always prided herself in not thinking about the age gap it had all of a sudden become an issue.
But all of this still doesn't explain how she could change from being a loving and dedicated mum to some sort of wild child overnight.
And I can assure you that before this all started things were pretty good between us, yes I obviously neglected her in some way that I didn;t realise but surely we could have spoken about it.
She has also always maintained that I was never meant to find out about this affair and that if I hadn't we would most likely still be together.

[sandi2]

I am interested to hear what she has to say as she has yet to explain why she wants to end our marriage so suddenly. I know we weren't perfect bit we were pretty good. Also I've yet to see any remorse for her affair, that would be nice.

See, you have already set yourself up for disappointment. She may go as far as to say she never wanted to cause you pain (or something similar), and she might even say she's sorry you were hurt........however, do not look for her to show remorse for the A.

[MrBond]

It still sounds like you glossed over alot of details.

In fact you didn't even mention this part earlier - "She said at the beginning of all of this that it was to do with my age ( I am 50 she is 32) and that she no longer found me attractive."

That's a big one. You said that you were going out for 13 years. That means that she was only 19 when you went out with her and you were 37. That's a BIG difference no matter what you try to tell yourself. I suspect that she wishes she had experienced more of life before you got together and she felt trapped.

You said that you had gambling issues that she had to deal with. That's alot to handle for a 20 something. And yet you expected her to take it.

That's why she feels free now and you interpret it as "irresponsible". On the flip side I would say that it was irresponsible of you to not realize this would happen. Not blaming, but it seems a bit obvious.

And then you say in a small line, "I suppose if I am honest I have focused so heavily in never going back there that I probably neglected her needs etc."

What do you mean "etc."? I don't think you really get it that there was probably alot of things she had to deal with at such a young age but you seem to minimize.

"But all of this still doesn't explain how she could change from being a loving and dedicated mum to some sort of wild child overnight."

It makes perfect sense. She's going through all the things she felt she missed out on. If the guy she's going out with is young and attractive, it is an ego boost to her. She probably had low self-esteem that she didn't feel like she could talk to you about.

"yes I obviously neglected her in some way that I didn;t realise but surely we could have spoken about it."

Not really. Are you the type that tends to talk over her? Did you put down any of her ideas? It could be very well that due to your age, she saw you as a "father figure" and so didn't think it was her place to tell you her thoughts. There are many reasons.