Exactly Starsky and that is what I believe as well. Here's an update.
Thursday night,4/03. H was upstairs for most of the day and night hanging over and asleep. Well, that is what he said as I only peeked my head in the door and he was laying down on the floor. I decided to go out and GAL for awhile. I stayed out pretty late but I had a great time. H texted me several times asking my whereabouts but I did not respond. I did not realize he texted me until I was getting ready to drive home.
Friday 4/04. It is our 17yr anniversary and I had already scheduled off work. H greeted me with roses, gifts and a card. The card says that he was sorry for everything, he loves me and wants to spend to the rest of his lift with me. I did not comment but I did thank him for the gifts. Later on, we went to the movies and dinner.
H finally asked where I was on Thursday night. I told him that that he is not privy to my life if he has any contact w/OW. No more apologies, I need proof in his actions. H said he was stupid for this latest incident.
Saturday, H and I spent some time with his family. Then all of sudden, I get a text from OW. I politely ask her delete my number and do not send me any more requests, links, etc. She stated she did not know who I was and that her phone apps will send out random msgs. I knew she was lying but said who I was in text and then again asked that she delete my number. Instead of letting that be it, she sends me another text about how she is in H heart 4ever, that she broke things off with him, then shifts to how sorry she was for the past and hope that I can forgive her one day. What a nutt job! and I told her just that as I preceded to tell her once again to stop texting me and delete my number. H did not say anything during this time except nothing is going on between the two of them.
Sunday was a lazy day. Redbox movies and takeout. No mention of OW or the texts between the two of them. H was smothering to point of being annoying. H also wants me to re-friend him on FB but I told him that we did not need to be friends on FB.I had originally unfriended him because I thought he was following her but he says its only the name of the group site. Anyway, I'm not interested in rushing into making him feel comfortable or in control. No contact means No contact.
OK, I didn't see this latest post from you here when I wrote you my last post in your Piecing thread. Sorry.
Some good signs there from him, but you have every right to be skeptical. Consistency in his ACTIONS (not his words) . . . over TIME . . . builds trust that can be relied upon.
Have you thought about what kind of transparency plan you would need from him in order to feel safe, and have you asked him for this?
Anyone can SAY they are going no-contact. The challenge is, some of them have no intention of keeping that promise, while a whole other group has good intentions but no ABILITY to pull it off (they are weak). A rock-solid transparency plan, discussed and agreed to, with you having at least ONE intel channel that's unbeknownst to him . . . that is your best chance.
Plus perhaps a Retrouvaille weekend, followed by some good ongoing marriage counseling, with someone specifically trained to deal with issues of infidelity. Please don't let him in too easy -- it's the #1 mistake people make here!! Let him EARN his way back in. "This is YOUR mess; YOU need to clean it up" should be your motto. Let him tell YOU what he's willing to do to earn his way back into the marriage.
I have access to view phone records but I stopped snooping a long time ago. I feel if I had checked periodically then I would have caught this and not have another "Ah Ha" moment.
I also have access to his email and FB accounts. Emails dating back as far as 2012 if I looked.
I also downloaded a key logger.
I think I may have been way too easy in the beginning but I'm getting better at that. What are some things I can do to not appear desperate or easy?
What are some things I can do to not appear desperate or easy?
Learn to say "Hmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. Let me think about it." And "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore," and "Hmm, I don't think that works for me. Let's re-visit this later."
Also, let HIM tell you what reconciliation would look like, and what he is going to do to clean up his mess."
Your HEART needs to show him it is capable of forgiveness, but -- because of his betrayals -- your HEAD is going to be in charge for awhile.
Okay..I think I have the right idea about that. I've used a few Hmmmmm and Let me think about it. Also, taking my time to think over any suggestions he offers to make sure it's something I can commit too or even agree with.
I'm trying hard to be open and forgiving about this situation but I'm still feeling a bit how dare you after how much pain the A caused me.
Last night, I told him that he betrayed me once again by contacting OW and I'm surprised that he would risk his M over a few texts msgs with OW. I used the "this is your mess, how do you plan to fix it?" He said he blocked OW from calling or texting him then deleted her contact info, working hard to catch up on bills, focusing on us, planning things that we can do together and our future. Then I said, Hmmmmm...interesting.
We have a MC session scheduled for Thursday. Should I rehash the past events or focus on my expectations for the future? I'm afraid to reopen those hurtful wounds.
H and I were watching TV. I decided to review the phone logs tonight and found out H and OW were texting heavily on 1/12-1/14 then it stopped until the few texts this month.I asked H about those and he says he doesn't remember the conversations but he was asking her about the tango request she was sending me and asking her not to send anymore. I would buy that but a lot of the communication was done late at night between 11-2am which I would be sleep. He didn't want to talk about it. Said he was being truthful..Ha! Heard that before.
Anyway, I blew up. I was angry and rightfully so because I previously asked H when did he resume texting OW and he could not remember. Now he cannot remember what the conversation was about. He didn't even want to look at the text log. Got all hot and bothered about it. He said he wanted this drama to be over. I laid the, "this is your mess" line on him. He said I just keep looking for things to bring up. I said, Hmmmmmm. Well, this is the first time I've looked at the phone log in over a year. I couldn't remember the password and he gave it to me while we were watching TV. He also kept reminding me that he did that.
I decided to shower and wind down. I have a busy day tomorrow and I don't want to get upset and ruin my ability to sleep and ultimately my work day. H came in the bedroom where I am and sitting in the lounger with his head down. I'm not impressed.
Why on God's earth does OW still have your husband's cellphone #?
He needs to change it as part of your NC/transparency plan, with detailed billing that comes to YOU. This is the digital equivalent to his affair girlfriend having the keys to your house.
Oh my...GASP! I have never looked at it that way. I will have the conversation w/H tonight.
Today, H apologized AGAIN for the texts. Admits he should have not responded to OW texts and that he should have come clean when I initially asked about contact. Said he got caught off guard and she sent him texts regarding her mother's poor health condition, her son's father left her and not taking care of her 4 month child and she doesn't have a job. He also said he got the impression she was reaching out to him for financial help but she did not ask directly nor did he volunteer to assist.
He also reiterated I have access to his computer, emails, phone records, online accounts as well as his whereabouts. I responded with Hmmmmmm.
H also kept asking me if I was going to continue to work on the M. If I wanted him to move out of the BR or leave. Said he understands that he messed up again and so if we continued would be my decision. He just kept blindsiding me with all these questions of reassurance and comments on how he not going to mess up again. yada yada yada
I felt really pressured by his questions and unsure how to answer because once again, I'm the one making the decisions while he gets to sit back. Despite his sincere jesters, I still do not trust him. Too many disappointments.
Do I say what is on my heart, my mind or neither? Why am I feeling confused? Starsky!!! Where are you? How should I respond before I make this too easy for H? Yet again!
