I may not respond until after I speak with my L on Monday. My W will have been served with D papers by next weekend, it will be interesting to see how that effects things.
You dont file D because you want to generate an "effect" you do it to protect yourself...however if there is an effect, that effect ahould not affect you in any possible way...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I disagree with those who are suggesting that you request full custody. First off, because I don't think that you negotiate time with your children like you would another asset (start high, then leave room to give in). And second, if you say that your kids should be with you full time, that kind of kills your argument that it is bad for them for your W to keep them from you. It's pretty well accepted that kids need BOTH parents, so asking for something other than that as a negotiating tactic makes no sense. I think it would make you look selfish and unreasonable in the eyes of the court, if it gets to that.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Scorp your sitch its 10 threads.... And in 10 threads I dont see you feeling better... Lets see what we can do with that... I am going to talk a little about my changes and I am gonna tell you how I see you.
When I was living with my W I complained to God or a higher source often about our problems, I also complained about my personal problems and my hapiness, I was happy sharing times with her but I wasnt happy with the way I was feeling in my laboral life, finances, and personal life. So I kept asking to this higher source for wisdom to see what it was my problem... Memorize this: " I was screaming for help!!" I could not read the messages and couldnt see any signs to improve, but I deeply knew something wasnt working.... Then it came the day my W left and I found this forum, I lost my job and my financial situation got awfull.... I kept saying to this higher source: why??? Why all this happening to me?? Why you left me??? Why you separate me from my W??? Why?? You just dont care!!!! I hate you God or higher source....
Oh but wait, this God or higher source has no time... You had never imagine God with an agenda or a calendar right? Listen Scorp you are going to like this part.... Suddenly this forum came to my life... If my W never said D how would it came? Then more things happened... Some of your sitches, recommending books and videos...and talking about R, wow, amazing... And I kept thinking: there has to be a way I can do somthing to not get D...I did what all of us has done, exercise, dedicating time to myself and puff she still wants D.... This is the best part.... God has no time and doesnt run out of patience ( I am going to call this higher source God, but not in a religious way, in a spiritual way) So God has no time, doesnt run out of patience but bro!!! I do... God kept providing, he gave me a job... I didnt kept that job..,and I kept complaining.... Why God doesnt remove my jealousy, or my insecurities if that will make me happy?? I mean if I have to remove my insecurities...then where is that God power??? And look bro.... Look at this now... I asked God to bring me happiness an fix insecurities and fix my W issues.... And you know what God always does? He gives you the tools but he doesnt do the job for you... He made me live single...thats the best tool to dedicate time to myself, not to work only in my physical part but to improve the spiritual one, he kept giving me tools, the forum, DB books, other books, and he put me in a new job....I did the training in the job I am now for 6 days!! And the sixth day I had to pass a test... I kept asking God to "help me" pass the test and guess what: I failed and when I failed I blamed God and the manager.... But it came the biggest shift in my life, I realized hmmm in the 7th day they are going to do another test to me, one more chance, this is God helping me and I told God: thank you, I can see your help, and I can see you are giving me tools... Now I have to use them, so I studied and I got the job...
Then everything started to make sense... And I tough, wow God give us the tools but we interfere and we dont want to use them... If we listen to our signs then we can use those tools....
The results in how the outcome will be depends in how much you trust that God its really there with you, things dont just happen because, they happen because they are supposed to happen like that, if you live by your EGO thinking that you are God you cant never use those tools properly...
God its not gonna do the job for you Scorp, you have to, and many times its painful, not all the actions you take are going to provide you instant happiness but if you listen to them at the end happiness will come...
I know my issues now, God has give me the clarity to see them, he gave me the tool of going to a therapist, read books, do exercises to improve self esteem and self love...but I am the one who has to use those tools, God its not gonna do it for me....if I use those tools the way I an supposed to, then I will reach love for myself...there is no other logic...
If a person its an alcoholic, God gives them the tools, it pos a windown in google, an advertisement in the bus...and its the alcoholic the one who has to go to those meetings.... And God its inside those rooms, always, but the use of the tools its the task of the alcoholic not God's task.... If the alcoholic doesnt use the tools most of the time he will say: God you see? You are not elping me leave the alcohol.... The true is that God helped him with the tools but the alcoholic its choosing to interfer and not use that tool so he can keep drinking and blame somebody else for his problem...
Do you think you are lostening to that higher source? i personally think that you are not, because it hurts and you dont want that pain....bro no pain no gain...
God its talking to you, I am not inside of you so I dont know what signs and tools he is providing you, but I can see how you are interfering, so at the end you can blame your W that she was crazy or whatever.... You will find another woman and the story will repeat again....because you interfere, when you married your W she wasnt crazy right? Now she is, well let God help her with that, can you let God help you with your issues? Why dont you work on them? Dont be affraid my friend, God have your back, he had your back all this years, and he has never let you down but you has let yourself down many times....
It doesnt matter why other people do what they do, I can tell you something Scorp, your situation could be way less pleasant, be grateful and try to find the message, now to help you see the signs....
Imagine that you want to be a singer, then God via other person or an add or however, he makes arrive to you the info of a bar looking for 1 singer, and the interview will take place next week, God gave you the tool....your part of the job its to practice songs, prepare a few songs and warm up, the results? They will be the appropiate for you.... Imagine that you dont want to go and you ended not going, is that God fault? Is it God fault that you decided to not go? Or go but without having prepared any song? Nop, thats the part of the homework that you didnt do...
In your M its the same, he is giving you signs, and the sign its not your W taking the kids away....do you think that maybe the sign its to analyze why are you responding to hate with hate? Why is it that you cant find what you are doing to interfere? All you are doing its interfering, instead of trusting God, you want to take responsability on this, why dont you just let your L? Or why don you just take time to work on yourself? I read the email of your W and she seemed very normal, she didnt all you names, she went to a L, she even appreciated the gift...
Why you dont appreciatte those words of Thank you as what it is...a thank you, nothing else...why you cant trust that? You think you might not be worth it of that thank you?
Look inside yourself and stop looking at her, God its not making this more complicated, you are because you dont want to do your homework and when you dont do your part of the job, things just dont work, its as simple as that....
I know 100% you can do this, you can improve yourself, your D its the best gift you could ever have, my W leaving the house certainly was the biggest gift Gid gave me, whatever it happens in the future its in Gods hands, I am not interfering by dating girls or Things like that, do the same, work on yourself, the tools are in your face and I know again 100% that you are strongh enough to do this, its gonna be painfull but its gonna be worth it...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
For the second part: I wish you are reading all this.... This is the easiest part in your situation, complain about how crazy the situation is, keep spending money, loose the house, maybe loose the custody and blame her....will that make you closer to your kids? Mybe not.....that approach its making your W defend herself....both of you fighting and all of us know including you that fights always end with the non expected results....
Here is the super duper hardest part, to slow down, to calm things down, to show to yourself that you can slow down, than this proccess has not to be decided in a week.... Your W ITS ACCEPTING that you go see the kids, even that you talk to them....accept that this is how things are now, dont fight that, maybe thats God sign, go see them and enjoy with them those days, when you talk to them enjoy that phone call despite that she is recording or whatever.
Use that tool properly, the way to use it properly its to enjoy that time, nothing else, play the music inside you, that amazing Scorp that made those kids laugh and enjoy, and forget about your W, forget what she does, put your L on hold and tell your L that at least for today you are not gonna need his or her services, that will bring a better financial situation to your life, money that you can use to visit your kids.... Remember enjoy those times!! Dont worry about what your W does, if what she does doesnt affect you, she will stop doing it eventually, trust on that.
Use the tools, she said thank you, thank you its a word of love, a word of positivisness, use it everyday... Thank you
Get out of the cyrcle that you both have created, if she wants to D let her do it, whatever its out of your business....
Read Leo Tolstoi and you will see this more clear, read his story called THREE QUESTIONS , and hopelly you will identify with it.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
There is a lot of wisdom in Ye's responses. If our spouses want a D, they will do so no matter what we say. All we can control is our reactions. Do we want to act bitter, angry, spiteful? We are in pain, so we want them to feel that pain. But I've realized... even if they feel pain it won't change their minds. And it won't change how they view us. The only option is to be the kind of person that only a fool would walk away from. Such a great, grounded, confident, assertive (but not aggressive) person who can handle this incredible trauma with grace. Let my H have nothing bad to say about me. Let him wonder whether it was all worth it. Let him see how happy and at peace I am--how capable I am as a single parent, how forgiving and capable of change I am, and wonder whether he could have been happy with me. Set clear boundaries, but also in a kind way. That is the best "revenge". That is the only way through this. Deep breaths.
Ye, Claire, Mel, Barry, thanks for your responses.
I am not acting out of emotion. I don't dislike my W let alone hate her. I don't like what she's done and is continuing to do that doesn't mean that I don't still love her or that I don't think she's still a good person. I'm sure she believes she's doing what is best for herself and our kids.
I can no longer make decisions about what my W may or may not do. This isn't about her any longer. It is about my kids and myself. That does not mean I don't love my W, I always have and I always will. I simply have to do what is right for my kids.
I have taken full responsibility for my actions and realize I was responsible for my half of the relationship. I made mistakes, I'm learning from them and determined not to repeat them. My main issue has always been insecurity, any other issues spawned from that. I am determined to improve myself for the sake of my kids as well as my own future.
As far as filling for D, I am not doing it to get a reaction from my W. In a strange way, it has little to do with her. I have to file for D to protect my rights as a father. My kids need me more than ever, I am going to do everything I have to in order to make sure my kids never have to be without their Dad. I do not want to hurt my W in any way, none of this is intended to do that. I'm doing what I feel has to be done at this point.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
"Thank you for depositing the money. There was a problem with the email address you were sending to. It would be best to send to my work account.
I will be picking up D6 after school on the 11th and staying until their gymnastics class is finished Monday. I can take the girls to their gymnastics class on Monday the 14th. Your mother could meet me at the class to take the kids home.
Easter, I will be picking the kids up on April 18th and they will be staying with me until April 25th at 3pm. The kids had Christmas day with you, they will have Easter with me.
For the phone calls on Monday while their gymnastics classes are running I will be calling the kids at 4pm."
With the bit about the Easter holiday, am I being unfair in saying the kids will be with me for more than half their time off? Considering my kids have been with her for the majority of their time over the last 6 months and two of the days with me will be spent travelling, it seemed fair.
Should I acknowledge her thanking me for my helping the kids with her bday gift?
I am taking the necessary steps legally, I don't think that has to mean I can't still try to work toward a new relationship with my W.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
You are not reading what I said to you, I didnt wrote it towards a R or towards dont hate her, I cant explain all this to you, evenctually one day you will be able to see it by yourself
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I know your W was a bitch for taking your kids to another province, but I do still think that you could use a nicer tone. The sentence in bold sounds rude and bossy. Why not soften it a little? "My plan is to pick the kids up on 4/18 - let me know what time works best for you. I'd like to spend the week with them and bring them back to you on 4/25. Since you had them for Christmas, it would be reasonable for them to spend Easter with me." (Actually, I am not sure you need to say that at this point - the more reasoning you give, the more she can argue.)
(I don't know how much you have discussed already about the spring break week - has she already agreed to the week, or just a weekend, or nothing at all?)
The same thing with the phone calls. How about, "Thanks for letting me know about the new gymnastics schedule. I know the girls will love it! Since they will be busy during our usual phone time, would you please make sure they are available to talk with me at 4:00 instead?"
My Mom always told me, "you get more with honey than with vinegar."
It sounds like your W is being at least a bit more reasonable, so why not cut her a little slack?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You are not reading what I said to you, I didnt wrote it towards a R or towards dont hate her, I cant explain all this to you, evenctually one day you will be able to see it by yourself
The way I read what you wrote was that Scorp should just accept that his W (who is perfectly nice and normal) took his kids four hours away without his consent, and be happy for the scraps she is feeding him. There are some situations where you don't just send things out to the universe and hope for the best. You need to take action to make things right.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
