Need help saving my family - part 10

[Scorp7]

Time for a new thread, maybe a new life too:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9

Ok, THIS thread hopefully will be a happier chapter to Scorp's story. The last while has left me pretty drained and that's set me back on my GAL. I'm going to workout as much as I can handle this weekend. Besides that, I might try to get out and see some friends or check out a movie. Pretty mellow but that's about all I can handle at the moment. Besides that, I've been seeing my Mom at the hospice each day for as long as I can. She's doing well there so it's good to see her happy.

[Scorp7]

New message from my W:
______________________________________________________________

I will attend the bank and deposit the $$$ for March and $$$ for April within the next couple of days. I had sent this to you via e-transfer in the middle of March and resent the notifications to you a couple of times but it obviously wasn't accepted.

April 11th weekend: Would you be picking D6 up from school at the end of the day? I think you would agree that it is not a good habit to encourage D6 to miss school. D4 and S2 can come over to the hotel after you and D6 have gotten there...just let us know when you get there. I think we could work together to negotiate the weekends where you stay longer (Monday).

I would like to confirm the details for the upcoming Easter Break. The kids can be ready to go with you on Wednesday the 23rd and be back here on Sunday the 27th by 3:00. Just let me know what time you are planning on being in town on Wednesday.

The girls are enrolled in gymnastics on Mondays so they will not be available for the nightly phone call on this day. D4 starts at 5:45 and D6 ends at 8:30.

Its Friday so its movie night but the kids will be available for the nightly call.

Thank you for helping the kids with their gift for me.
_______________________________________________________________

She certainly is trying to be in charge of everything. I don't plan to respond to this other than tell her what I'll be doing for the weekend. I'm letting my lawyer do her thing next week.

I was a bit surprised to see she thanked me for helping the kids with their gift for her.

[Barrybran]

I think two things Scorp. First, is that she received your email two weeks ago and went straight to her lawyer. I didn't mention it to you because it would have done you no good but you did the same thing so really, she, like you, was just being diligent. Second, and this came after any lawyer action on her part, is that she's seen you stand up. Whether she responds positively or negatively in the future, who knows, but she's seen it and she appears to be making an effort to keep you in the loop and appreciate your efforts with the kids.

As you said, respond to the parts that have to be responded to and leave the rest to your lawyer.

[melissag]

Hi Scorp, I wanted to touch on a couple of things:

First, the idea that you were willing to move to W's hometown before, but since she isn't doing what you want, screw her, you're not going to now.

Make sure that you are looking out for you and your kids. Not trying to piss off your W, or acting or reacting to your W's words or behavior. You decide what you are willing to do, and you stick with it. Don't change it based on what your W does.

And, the idea that you must have 50/50 custody of the kids.

I feel very strongly that what your W did - taking the kids and moving four hours away - was WRONG. (That's an understatement.) I also think that kids need both parents in their lives. But when you are discussing custody, make sure you are focusing on the best interests of the kids (which may well be something other than 50/50 one way or the other), not on making sure you get your half of the pie.

[Scorp7]

Mel, my agreeing to move was based on trying to come to an agreement with my W without having to battle in court. I have always felt that the best place for my kids is where they had been living up until 6 months ago.

Although it's very common for couples to act out of spite in these situations I don't feel I'm doing that. I feel I'm doing what is right for my kids and for once not worrying about what my W may think about it.

IMO, it is a very outdated view that kids don't do well if they have to split time between both parents. The idea that they would do better living primarily with one parent (in most cases the mother) is not valid except perhaps when the father (or mother) was not a fit parent. Kids need BOTH parents equally.

It doesn't take very much research to see the negative effect of kids growing up without their fathers in their lives. IMO, it is far better for kids to have both parents with them equally than it is for them to have one primary residence and effectively lose the other parent.

[melissag]

Although it's very common for couples to act out of spite in these situations I don't feel I'm doing that. I feel I'm doing what is right for my kids and for once not worrying about what my W may think about it.

Good!

IMO, it is a very outdated view that kids don't do well if they have to split time between both parents. The idea that they would do better living primarily with one parent (in most cases the mother) is not valid except perhaps when the father (or mother) was not a fit parent. Kids need BOTH parents equally.

It doesn't take very much research to see the negative effect of kids growing up without their fathers in their lives. IMO, it is far better for kids to have both parents with them equally than it is for them to have one primary residence and effectively lose the other parent.

I'm not going to argue the pros and cons of 50/50 custody - there are plenty of both. I don't know what the situation was with your W before she left, or anything else about your children; I'm just saying that if you go in front of a judge and you stomp your foot and cross your arms and demand 50/50 custody, it may well come across as you trying to get "your share" . . . and that is not what is important here.

If I were you, I would, instead of relying on your own opinions, take an hour or two to go speak with a child Psychologist, CFI or PRE, to get some ideas about how you might best ensure time with your children, and a good relationship for them with BOTH parents, while making sure that you are putting the children's best interests first.

[Scorp7]

Mel, a couple of months ago I met with a MC that also specialized in working with kids from divorced families. I went over all of my thoughts about my situation and my plan to share the kids 50/50 with my W.

She of course pointed out that no arrangement is perfect and there are some bad points to 50/50. However, when the parents can't agree to live under one roof, all things considered, 50/50 is the best situation for the long term development of the kids. It gives them the influence and security of both parents which is critical.

There are a growing number of States in the US that are adopting or in the process of adopting a default 50/50 living arrangement for kids when their parents split. Canada is considering a similar law that is before our government right now. Barry may be able to speak to Australia that also apparently has some form of default shared parenting arrangement.

50/50 goes against the long held myth that mothers should be the primary care givers and that father's generally are not interested in or an important part of raising their kids. It goes back to the so called "traditional" family unit where the mother stayed at home to raise their kids while the father was often away at work and not involved in raising their kids. That family dynamic has been changing for years where both parents are taking an active role in the raising of their kids. Unfortunately, family law has been very slow to reflect these changes. Part of that may be due to the money that is involved with the adversarial family court situation that see lawyers making tons of money off of parents fighting for time with their kids.

Yes, my W was a stay at home mother as well as also working a home based business. I was home with our kids every day of their lives and actively involved in every aspect. I got them ready for school in the mornings right through to putting them to bed at night. If I had not been involved before then that would greatly effect my chances for 50/50 now. I purposely designed my entire life to make sure I was home with my kids as much as possible. I'm thankful that I was lucky enough to be with them for all but at most 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for their entire lives.

If I didn't believe that my kids best interests were to have both parents with them equally I wouldn't be fighting for it. I still believe the BEST thing for my kids is to have their parents together with them so I will never close the door on that option.

[Wonka]

Scorp,

How do you plan to respond to W's latest email?

[Scorp7]

Possibly something like:

"Thank you for depositing the money. There was a problem with the email address you were sending to. It would be best to send to my work account.

I will be picking up D6 after school on the 11th and staying until their gymnastics class is finished Monday. I can take the girls to their gymnastics class on Monday the 14th. Your mother could meet me at the class to take the kids home.

Easter, I will be picking the kids up on April 18th and they will be staying with me until April 25th at 3pm. The kids had Christmas day with you, they will have Easter with me.

For the phone calls on Monday while their gymnastics classes are running I will be calling the kids at 4pm."

I may not respond until after I speak with my L on Monday. My W will have been served with D papers by next weekend, it will be interesting to see how that effects things.

[Barrybran]

Nice to see that waiting before sending is starting to become standard behaviour. That's a good message too, Scorp. No BS.

As for 50/50, Australia's default position is 50/50. There are pros and cons as your lawyer suggested. It gives Dad's more rights which is fantastic but it also allows rights too easily as you still have deadbeat parents in the world. My D4's biological father is one such example. We have to keep going through rounds of mediation and solicitor visits because he has rights and we don't have the right to tell him to F-off despite being very confident about how we'd fare in court if it ever went there.

I agree that you start your negotiations at full custody, you know you won't get it but you want the kids and that's where you start, but keep in mind anything your wife could use against you to reduce your time (she'll be spiteful, you have to stay strong and not play her game). If they aren't already, they become part of your 180's.