Until recently I assumed my H was a WAS due to his age, he’s 29 so I didn’t think MLC could be the cause but I’ve been doing a lot of reading & research and have realised that this has been going on a lot longer than I first thought.
When I’ve thought back I believe this started around mid 2010-2011 after our second son was born and H got a new job and became unhappy there, he began searching for happiness with various hobbies, obsessions, sports and his behaviour was irratic at times but wasn’t too much of an issue/problem at the time, I just thought he was going through a funny stage. I’m wondering if after he came out rehab last year he began to move into stage 2 of acceptance but then got frightened & overwhelmed with the extent of what he’d caused so ran back into the dreaded tunnel because this time he seems to be moving forwards a lot quicker with thing so could this be him going back and closing those doors and is he still early on?
If anyone could read my brief story I’d love an idea on where abouts he may be so I can look at how to best support him whilst protecting myself. I know it's really hard to say without knowing the full picture but any help would be great.
Early 2012 In early 2012 he began to express his unhappiness with life, said a lot of times that “life seems pointless” and that “his life feels like it's going nowhere” etc where as on paper he had everything any man would dream of. He had always enjoyed drinking but during this time his drinking became heavier and he would sit drinking on his own most weekends, sometimes during the week and this began to cause issues in our relationship – he was in denial.
Sept 2012 I discovered he had become infatuated with a girl at work (way out of his league & she was uninterested in him), I discovered this after logging into his Facebook account whilst he was away as he’d been distant for a couple of months and my gut was telling me his interests were elsewhere. When I confronted him he told me ILYBINILWY and when he arrived home he moved to his parents. 2 weeks later he came home & said he had been stupid and made a huge mistake, things were good for a short while but quickly things began to go downhill again. His drinking was spiralling out of control, I pushed for him to get help & he would cut down for a bit then it would creep back up.
January 2013 His drinking was very excessive and I also discovered that he was taking cocaine, I wasn’t aware of how much at the time. By this stage I was very unhappy living with an addict who only cared about himself – he was severely depressed and struggling with anxiety too so I stood by him in the hope that things would improve as he was seeking help for his addictions and mental health problems.
March 2013 He left his job as he couldn’t cope anymore, we decided he would take some time off then become self-employed so his workload could be less & more flexible.
August 2013 I discovered the full extent of his drinking/drug addictions, he had been stealing from our joint money for months and had created thousands of pounds worth of debt. I reached my limit and asked him to leave, we signed a separation agreement and he moved permanently into his parents. At this time I felt no love for him & believed that we would divorce, I didn’t want to be married to a lying, deceitful & controlling addict.
October 2013 After H really spiralled out of control, he was like a complete stranger and acted totally crazily. He stopped seeing his kids, he stopped providing for us even though he knew I could survive without his financial input, he was cruel and horrible, all he cared about was going out with his new “friends” and getting hammered 24/7, he continued to steal any money from our business to fund his habits. Eventually he hit his rock bottom and signed himself into rehab – a huge turning point.
November 2013 He came out of rehab a new man, wanting to build my trust and begging me for another chance as he loved me with all his heart and wanted us to be a family again. I agreed to “see what happened” but at the time I felt no love for him and couldn’t see how we could ever rebuild things, slowly as he proved himself and built my trust my feelings began to come back. Sadly because we didn’t seek the help we should have we fell back into the same R patterns (resentments etc).
January 2014 H dropped bomb number 2 – before this he had become distant and I’d noticed him backing away from me, he became overwhelmed and ran back into the safety of his “tunnel”. He was acting out in the same ways he had when he was taking drugs/drinking but without the substances, he became cruel/heartless and rewrote history, everything was my fault, he’d never been happy etc etc. I discovered an EA which led to sex (once) a couple of months later). He was very confused during this time about his feelings and whats going on, painful to see & even harder to hear.
March 2014 Still clean/sober, very proud of him! He began to peep his head back out of the tunnel again, he’s doing a lot of work on himself and is moving forwards emotionally – he’s firmly sitting on the fence and does not want a divorce but also isn’t ready/willing to commit to moving forwards with me. He’s admitted that he wants his family but is terrified, he’s shared that his feelings are changing towards me and that he’s struggling with the guilt from everything he’s caused, he’s very confused still but things seem to be becoming clearer for him slowly.
He’s moved towards me in a huge way, he’s began calling me again and wants to connect again “as friends” and had admitted that he misses me lots and doesn’t want to loose me in his life, he said he’s really enjoying my company again. We’ve ML and he’s been more physical & affectionate, he’s asking how I am and really wants to listen, he’s more caring and considerate. It seems like my H is slowly coming back but a new & improved version of his former self. He’s also ended things with the OW and has cut contact “for now” to see what happens with us.
My main thread is over in "Newcomers" but thought i'd get more specific answers on here as far as where abouts we are in this journey. Thank you
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Your h is having a "life" transition. Each and every one of us goes through them every 10 years or so. What triggered his may have been the birth of your second son. The reason that I am saying that is because he is now a father of two young children and is responsible for ensuring that his family is taken care of. Responsibility has been weighing heavily on his shoulders and many "young" men tend to have a problem w/starting or adding to families, especially when they are just really taking off on their careers.
Even though he's sober and been to rehab, just by his comments of being terrified and talking about his guilt, it puts me in mind that he may be at the very tail end of replay/depression. He's still got a ways to go and I wouldn't reconcile too quickly because he needs to show by actions, not words, that he's ready to come back home and be a husband, lover, companion and a father to his children. He still has some hard and necessary work to do. Drinking and drugs are escape tactics and he needs to face whatever issues he has before he can even begin to work on reconciling.
I would start out as friends and keep my expectations at zero. He does sound like he's finally seeing a little bit of day, but time will tell as to whether he stays the course or if he runs back up in the tunnel and seeks out his escape tactics once again. It takes a lot of work and determination to stay sober and I do hope he continues to heal, but he's got to face those demons from his past in order to move forward and grow up. You can be there as a friend, listen to what he has to say, but do not offer to fix his problems for him. This is his journey to help him grow up.
Keep the focus on you, your children and your finances. Find things that will keep you busy and yet, make you feel better as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I thought I'd come back and explain the "life" transition a bit more. Each of us goes through a "growth" spurt, i.e., late teens/early 20's, again at 30, 40, etc. If the "life" transition isn't navigated properly, the person is destined to try again at a later time. If that doesn't happen, generally they are then set up to have a mid-life crisis.
It's very important that individuals are allowed to grow during this transition as it helps them navigate the next 10 or so years of their life and they learn, experience and grow from those experiences. Some go through them w/only a blip on the radar screen and others will go full force and do a lot of really crazy things and become someone else we don't know. Ultimately, if they navigate all of the properly, they are more mature adults at the end of the day.
Whatever you do, do not become his "mother" or his fixer. He really does need to face the consequences of his actions and grow up on his own.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes that sounds pretty much what i'd put him at, he's beginning to accept where he is and how he got there and beginning to accept that person that he is becoming instead of running away from himself if that makes sense? I think he moved into acceptance then has gone backwards.
His anger and negativity has left him for the most part and he's very much seeing my positives and seeing me for the person I am instead of the illusion on his head that he's created. He's also beginning to question his previous decisions and challenge himself on his feelings & thoughts.He's healing, he said he feels as though he's finally moving forwards emotionally for the first time in years and although its scary he's glad.
He's admitted that his idea of "love" is completely fairytale and that he's realising now though he probably does love me he just doesnt recognise it because of what his view of it is/was (if that makes sense?!).
I believe after rehab he moved into acceptance then got scared and ran backwards, panicking that he was committing his life and wasnt sure if that would make him happy or if its what he wanted - his emotions are beginning to surface properly for the first time for years and he's obviously very confused. He's also having to learn ways to deal with life and his emotions without using drugs/drink to block them out.
So is a midlife "transition" different to MLC? Whats the timescale that people move through a transition compared to a crisis?
I've been using DB and its been REALLY effective so far and i've seen really positive results both for myself and the way my husband is being towards me.
I have no intention of R at the moment, its way too soon and we both have a lot of healing to do before that's even an option, i'm using this time to focus on myself (and the kids) and becoming the person that I want to be again, I see it as a blessing in a lot of ways as i've learnt so much about myself. I just wanted an idea of where he's at so I can find out as much as I can and support him whilst also working on myself, I feel like if I can understand it a bit better too then I may feel less like its personal.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Just as the crisis, a transition will take as long as it takes. Each individual is unique and so is their transition/crisis. We can't put a time limit on it. For example, it's always been said that a mlc takes 3-5 years and that was moved up to 7 years and now we are seeing that it takes some even longer, i.e., possibly 8, 9, 10 or even longer. So, it's all up to the person experiencing the crisis.
I would suggest that you buckle up, be ready to listen, but also, do not rely on just his words, i.e., actions will speak louder than words. If all he offers is lip service, then he's not ready to recommit and do the hard work. It's difficult, but it's not about you, the marriage or the children. It's about him and what may have transpired in his life a long time ago and he really does need to face those demons, accept that there are some things he can't change and learn to love and be happy w/himself as he is today. Seeking the illusive happiness in external things will not make him happy except for a short period of time. He will come to realize that happiness comes from within and that's his lesson to learn, we can't teach him that.
Be kind to yourself, rediscover the person you were before all of this began. You just might find that you are happy being that new and improved you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeh I did also wonder if it's more to do with him being an addict, he's really trying to get his behaviours under control & understand them - he's not like a typical MLCer in lots of ways so that's why I had doubts.
I'm attending al-Anon yes, thanks peacetoday.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
