H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
So I guess this is what I'm thinking regarding my W's going out all the time: I say nothing *at least* until Sunday when I hear whatever it is she has to say. If she's moving out immediately, then there is no point in saying anything other than good bye and good luck, and then going as dark as possible...no contact other than for childcare related issues.
However, if we are going to continue living under the same roof then I feel like some boundaries need to be set... Of course me trying to set some fair boundaries is what preceded her saying she wanted a divorce, so... There's the dilemma.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Is it cake-eating if W still wants me to do little things for her? Rub her back? Bring her coffee in the morning, etc? Part of me wants to say "are you crazy, you want a divorce, get your own damn coffee" but the other part of me has always enjoyed doing thise things, so why stop now, especially if it builds good will and gives her something to miss when she moves out.
Wife came home from her night out at about 1:45am. This is actually an accomplishment, as it means she left at last call instead of staying until the bar actually closed. I woke up shen she came in but feigned sleep...just seemed easier that way. She got into bed and said "I'm home" and curled up next me, but then it was like she caught herself and moved away from me.
I got up with the kids this morning per usual on weekends.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I guess the big question is... Do I discuss the work situation with my wife? I feel like this news, right now, is going to shove her right out the door.
Agreed, thanks! I haven't said anything. It will most likely be months before anyone is let go, if it comes to that. And if it does come to that, and if I'm one of the unlucky ones, hopefully my marriage will be on more stable ground by then.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Tomorrow can't come soon enough, the suspense is killing me. There is a small part of me that wants to believe W just wants to go out for the sake of going out. I must remind myself that this is probably just her way of delivering bad news to me. Funny, we're going to the restaurant we went to 2 years ago for our anniversary. Just going to stay positive no matter what. It will be interesting to hear what her plan is at any rate.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I wonder, when DBing, if you suspect your spouse is lying to you...lying about where she's going, what she's doing...making up excuses for coming late, do you just keep your mouth shut? The obvious answer seems to be to keep your mouth shut... But that doesn't seem to command much respect. If you just swallow their lies, doesn't that make you come off looking LESS attractive instead of more attractive?
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
It's funny how things work. My wife and I have completed a full circle, right back where we started the last time things fell apart. I thought we had learned to ask each other for what we want, but as it turns out while I was asking for what I want, she has been stuffing her feelings, hiding her negative emotions, and avoiding conflict...to the point that it has poisoned her entire view of me and our marriage, and it makes her think we weren't meant to be together. She says that when it comes to me, she doesn't know how to express negativity. She thinks it's particular to me, but I've noticed this is how she relates to everybody. She's a people pleaser. Not sure how to negotiate that. My IC thinks that rather than meaning we weren't meant to be together, it really means we were brought together to learn from each other. No convincing my W of that though (not that I've tried). Who knows what W's IC thinks...but I get the impression her IC is of the "just divorce him and find yourself" mindset.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Well, today is the big day...I'll finally get to find out what's been brewing in W's head for the past week. She made it home from work around 1am last night. She made some small talk when she got into bed, and then mentioned that she was looking forward to our afternoon together the next day. Seems like kind of a sadistic thing to say if that's when she's planning on giving me her exit plan. Really not sure what to expect at this point...
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
So my day with W went great... but was quite strange in a way. It seems what W wanted to talk about was primarily how my IC was going and what my thoughts were on the D and how to tell the kids. I know it's not really in keeping with DBing, but I took it as an opportunity to both acknowledge and validate her perspective while also sharing mine.
Essentially, I told her I understood and respected her feelings and decisions and that I believed she had the right to do what she felt was best for her. However, I also told her that in the course of my IC I had come to believe that the problems we were dealing with were ultimately best dealt with in the context of the marriage because 1) there were children involved, and 2) the problems we were having were not going to go away for us by getting divorced. We both have deeply ingrained ways of dealing with significant others, and we were going to continue these patterns until we "fixed" them regardless of who we were involved with in the future. She in turn shared all of the things that she had been hurting and suffering over, all of which I validated.
The funny thing is, our behavior during this conversation was like that of two young lovers. She kept initiating physical affection, kissing and touching, and twice during the afternoon other people came by our table and told us what a cute couple we made. If they only had any idea of what our conversation was about!
I think I am clearly dealing with a woman who is at her wit's end, doesn't believe anything will ever change, and doesn't believe her resentment will ever go away. But there also seems to be some wiggle room in there somewhere...there is definitely love and affection in there. Once we were home, toward the end of the evening, things were definitely starting to cool down again. So after the two of us hung out outside with some friends/neighbors for a bit, I backed off and went and made dinner for the kids and got them ready for the school week etc. W asked if I cared if she went next door to her friend's while took care of all that business and I said sure and that's pretty much how we wound down the day.
I can tell there is a war going on in W's head, one that I can only let her fight on her own.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
