We have been married 10+ years, have children, always had issues from day one with first child being born before marriage. We both worked hard to make a beautiful family and survived knowing each of us would never give up. I struggled the last few years while S did everything possible to keep our family together for our entire marriage and really showed me what true love is during my departure from reality. Now I'm the best I've ever been and S decided it's too late. How do I rekindle S love when I have so much to give now and more than I ever dreamed possible. I know I don't deserve and S would rather I die, but truly have come out of my shell and prospered into loving, affectionate person that is willing to give my all for the love of my life. I was late figuring out what I want by a mere few weeks and have now lost everything.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
whytry - If you are early into this, don't believe you lost everything - yet. There are many things you can try, and time is on your side. I'm 9 months into my sitch, and my H has still not taken concrete steps taken toward D, although he has 'threatened' it several times now. There is always hope until the papers are signed. Read up on all the resources on this site. So far, they have been so very helpful to me.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
With the little info you have given I feel like we have some things in common. I "tried" he didn't, he "tried" I didn't and now I feel it's too late.
If you truly want to save your marriage don't give up hope, it's never too late. Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? There really is some good advice. Also, you may want to give more info.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
What types of issues? It helps to know details like this for us to understand how to help you.
Quote:
Now I'm the best I've ever been and S decided it's too late.
ALL WAS's say things like this, it doesn't mean there's no chance. That's just how they feel right here right now. Feelings can and do change over time. There are many reconciled marriages detailed on these forums and one thing they all have in common is that the WAS said it was too late, there was no chance, they were 100% done, etc. WAS's always speak in absolutes.
Quote:
How do I rekindle S love when I have so much to give now and more than I ever dreamed possible.
You must quit trying to fix the M and instead work on you. It sounds like you've already grown a lot which is great, but it takes a long, long time of changed behavior before the WAS starts believing the changes are real. Give your spouse time and space, don't pressure them about the M.
It appears in your OP that you avoided talking about gender, if you happen to be a same-sex couple then have no fear, you are totally welcome here.
LiveNow - Thank you so much for the encouragement. I'm hopeful my spouse will see the changes and give another try since they invested so much heart and soul into their DB time. The steps really do work as I was cookoo and now see it. Best I can gather is spouse was DBing from about Sept till Jan but they definitely have been my solid rock for the entire marriage.
lost18 - I've found I have lots in common on here. I plan to fight for us until the end. From what I know spouse used DB since last August and gave up on us.
sandi2 - I want to give more detail but I'm torn cuz spouse did use DB forum and any talk now about it between us causes annoyance and ridicule from spouse. I said many times "it's a waste, i'm through" to which my spouse calmly led me back to sanity. I never told spouse I was reading forum since back in 2013 but did mention finally signing up this year to post. And I'll admit originally it was because I was so angry thinking they were spouting lies (they do not lie, never have). It was an attempt to find more "ammo" to yell at them about.
AnotherStander - Issues mostly all young couples have. Married young, child before marriage, financial, partying (both), jealousy....you name it. I hope WAS is just spouting but one thing I can promise they never lie and are actionable for what they believe. Not a same-sex couple and details below may help.
Story line: Spouse had/is using DB website for months to help me and I refused any acknowledgment of my wrongdoing. Posts will still be on here unless purged over time for server space. Many of you may already know spouse and I'm afraid they will move further away thinking this is manipulation or fake (obviously how I'm foreseen due to my actions for most of marriage). We have had happy moments in our marriage but now spouse only concentrates on negative and our differences instead of positive times and good times.
I was never serious about marriage when we first started. We made the decision after our first child was born so we could always be with child and spouse's strong belief in vows and religion (I had strayed). Before we made the decision I spoke with several of my family members about doing the right thing vs. both of us being happy separate. Split decision so I did some sole searching and asked myself "will this person be someone you can live without? Can this person be a good parent? Will they stick around? Can you fall in love with this person? Are you happier with or without this person?" etc. I spent months and months thinking it over and over. The more I thought the more I was aware that they are the person I was proud to take home. The person that yes my life is better because of them. My shame was never telling them why I wanted to be betrothed and just let them think that per our beliefs it was the right thing to do....I have never been one to fully explain myself.
Before we were married and while dating I did sleep with other people (they no this back then and now). Once we tied the not I had no reason to stray. intimacy is never a problem at that age and never has been our entire marriage. Spouse was obviously into frequent intimacy (aren't they all) so no problem on that end. We both worked hard our entire marriage and I wrongfully saw my profession as more important (although not always the bread winner) and ridiculed them about it. My emotional abuse towards spouse and children began getting worse and worse the more I worked to try to make a living for us and I thought they were ungrateful. I have said very mean and hurtful things (on purpose) many times, used very strong degrading names, and left for days at a time to get separation.
Fast forward to 2010 Still giving family less than they deserve. still degrading. still not affectionate (but intimate). began a trip into "I hate the world and everbody in it" mentality. Worked even more so I didn't have to go home.
Circa 2012-Oct.2013 Began telling other people about my problems (from my point of view). Further far gone from family emotionally and mentally. Found several friends (same sex and opposite) that I really began sharing with. Got really emotionally close to one ex-lover (pre-marriage) and was in constant contact with them. Used 2nd phone to hide talks. Met other person for lunches, dinners, and to talk about things I should have shared with my spouse. Not intimate but strong feelings and very emotionally affectionate texts, calls, etc. Staying with friends when angry. not including family in much.
Oct 2013-Jan 2014 Started seeing myself do things and then asking myself why I did them. So ashamed I would lie to cover up, or speak truthfully leaving out major details not asked about. Began wondering if I'll always be this way or if I could change. Began reading websites, forums, etc. Started logging good days and bad days at work with what triggered my responses and how I was feeling at the time.
Jan 2014- now Truly saw myself for what I was. Began studying more intently on my type of person. Was it MLC in 2010, can it be fixed, can I love again, can I change, how do I change. Spouse admits favorably that they started seeing baby steps in Jan. I still had internal hate problems, mostly due to self inflicted shame I for what I was. Personal shame was/is the dominate flaw I keep identifying. It was driving my ship to hide my whole life from friends, family, and especially spouse because I was always afraid of failure. Most of Jan not too bad as I was still learning me and finding happiness in children. February started off well enough. Ordered V-day present early, got gift early to give week early so spouse would know I was serious (I've always hated V-day and never celebrated it because of deep hurtful issues from high school and college relationships). So I can't stress how big of a deal this was. I'm sure spouse was shocked as hell at this. In the past, if we fought on V-day or was mad around spouses b-day I would say I forgot knowing full well I didn't. Or come up with some lie about it just to hurt them and not give present. V-day, now know as "Done" day. Spouse and I fought horribly. I reverted back, said horrible demeaning things, and reverted back to lying about present. In actuality my credit card was denied so present never arrived. I ran to store on way home to get another and gave that but they were expecting the other. Spouse moved into spare bedroom.
Feb Cont. Apologized to spouse profusely. Begged spouse to see that I did snap and why. Begged for another chance (plenty of times). Told spouse I was going to fight for us until served (they were now at divorce talk). Told spouse I'm continually working on me for kids and them. Started seeing counselor because I figured I couldn't due on my own. Something spouse begged me to do previously (marriage & Personal). Kids asked about church one day so I said if they wanted to go I'll take them. Spouse quit going years ago mostly because I ridiculed it. Come to find out I enjoyed it more than them. Found new friends that I text, call, and enjoy spending time with. Oh yea, other people not contacted anymore at all. Took a special class at church to learn more about religious stuff. Wanted more time with new friends so I joined a couple of groups. Since Jan, I have began feeling things for me children and spouse that I can't explain. Don't have the vocabulary to describe I guess. Feb really started making emotional advancements for myself. I started participating in me stuff (not excluding family) just personal growth stuff. In this time spouse got pwk for divorce. Haven't seen yet and she's waiting to save up money. Spouse told me to quit wearing ring (I did stop before for long periods of time when angry) but I found it's not only a reminder of marriage, but a reminder to myself of not wanting to be a failure.
March Saw I was smothering spouse and they are now a "monk" to their bedroom. Come home, go to room, come get dinner, back to room. Very little interaction with children if I'm at house. A few times watched TV in living room as a family but spouse became angry when I was caught staring at them in amazement of how special that person is to me now and how I never saw it before. Doesn't come out of room any more. I give space and only disturb as needed and every now and then get lucky enough to have a chat at door. Every now and then when topic comes up by spouse I describe me, what I'm doing, that yes I prefer marriage (usually rolls eyes), that spouse being happy is what I want. I will sign papers if needed without a fight. Who can blame spouse after this many years of crap. Emotionally I can't promise myself (or spouse) where this new journey will lead, but I do know one thing, a text, a call, a glimpse of a smile makes my heart stop. If happier without me maybe spouse can find what they keep telling me they want/need instead of settling for me. That seems more important in my thoughts when I pray than me or kids so kind of odd. Maybe spouse is right we were never meant to be together. Maybe spouse is right that I'm not long term changing that it's a persona (I have temporarily changed before when we fought). I have no need to hide anything anymore. Now that I want to include spouse they refuse to want to be included. Children are my happiness at home. Spouse has told family and friends they are leaving PERIOD!
April I'm still growing as a person. If a nice gesture for spouse is available I take advantage of the chance intentionally but calmly without making it a big deal to keep under radar. I still cry myself to sleep (happening since spouse moved rooms). Sorry so long and I have to go to work, but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This is going to get hard.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
spouse has friend divorcing and that relationship is very bad too. texts constantly on phone with i'm assuming friends and family and probably a few friends met online (makes me jealous of course but its what I did when I was speaking to old friend). Souse says they are happier without me and stays at work late so they don't have to be around me.
yes, i'm only beginning to make substantial visible changes and it's hard to judge in such a short time. spouse often leaves when I'm at home to go be by their self. I drank heavily for the 1st have of our marriage and to that have very few memories of the heartache I caused and spouse remembers every detail. My memory is so bad I'm ashamed of it so before it was just easier to lie to hide my deficiency. Now spouse drinks heavily in other room all hours of the night and gets very little sleep. spouse brings up my past every chance they can to push me away and reminds me of all my failures.
spouse has spoken on phone to my previous friend and confirmed emotional affair only. but doesn't believe it because of our previous history. I tried asking for a trial period to see if we could work things out but no go. About every time we would have a bad time before now another child would be expecting so we always had a distraction to keep us occupied.
Sorry, I just don't know what details will help.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
I truly love my spouse and have searched what memories I have of why. Going back to when we met, I had nothing. Spouse took care of me. Gave me hope, shared their dreams, loved me unconditionally. Spouse would give me a huge bear hug and if before now I would have even stepped close enough to touch they would have grabbed me up, wrapped their arms around me and held me tight as they could. Now spouse recoils if I get within 2 feet. This hurts because I know I caused it. I never was strong enough to tell spouse how I felt before and now when I do I know it looks fake. The last few months I keep seeing how amazing my spouse is. What they have accomplished professionally and personally, what my feelings truly are and why. I am still afraid of the verbal abuse that has come with me trying to talk and am keeping hope that it is just a mechanism to stay distant so that when they file it won't seem like we have feelings for each other. I have trouble expressing that I finally see spouse for who they really are and not the made up impression I've kept for so long while I hated myself. I dream of the day I can stand up and say what I feel without ridicule and negative language. The feelings are so new to me I can't process all at once so I hug and love on kids as an outlet for my affection so I don't explode inside. Does any of this make sense. Before V-day, my spouse would have died before breaking their vows but now I was told not to wear my ring anymore. I'm so lost and can't stay bottled up like this forever. How can just a few weeks make someone so emotionally DONE that the thought of trying physically disgusts them?
I really like a lot of the advice I've been reading that JOB and MileHigh and others have given, but I haven't found this unique scenario yet.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
