My advice to the LBS is to say "I don't WANT a divorce, but I respect your decision and I won't stand in your way. I acknowledge the hurt(s) I caused you, and I've asked for your forgiveness for them and I've owned up to them myself and am working on myself to make me a better person. But I won't stand in your way."
What I'm asking relates NOT to the typical "give me space!" WAS comments. I agree that if a spouse says they need a time out or some space, you STFU and give it to them.
I'm talking about situations in which there was little or No pursuit IN the marriage OR in which another approach might fit. We all know the "rules" are not for all situations (and I think some of the rules conflict with each other, so they're given as guidelines, not "rules").
We know that this couple (so "they", not "she") had a SSM. Until he broke the vows with the A, perhaps he did not make HIS needs clear enough to her for her to realize the importance of ML and maybe, maybe, he did not make his needs known to her before. All I know is THEY did not ML often.
Might his wife simply want some passionate pursuit or to KNOW she is desired and wanted by him? Could their sex life need a little tuning up? Menopause can effect sex drive but it's not the only factor and there are things women can do to ameliorate the factors that negatively impact intimacy.
Also, Might this be a test? (The answer is of course it MIGHT be).
What I'm suggesting is that some women (and probably some men) who feel rejected or unloved by a spouse, need to be pursued. An A is a big fat rejection in the most intimate of ways. It makes a woman feel insecure as heck (and that does Not increase the libido!)
In those situations, I'd argue that going cold is more of the same, or worse.
I do NOT know if THIS is one of those situations.
(I fear it's NOT one of those. I fear he needs to move forward in his life and to see if later on, down the road, their friendship and the bonds of the past can resurface and reveal the love I think they both have for each other). Only time and perhaps a divorce or a lot of distance, will tell.
But I pose those questions anyhow, partly b/c Bond and Starsky are here and that's convenient and it COULD apply to this. And partly b/c I think there are LBSers who want there to be nothing THEY Can do to change their situation. B/C to them, it makes it all the WAS fault. Know what I mean?
Hope this does not muddy the waters more. Not my intent.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What I'm suggesting is that some women (and probably some men) who feel rejected or unloved by a spouse, need to be pursued. An A is a big fat rejection in the most intimate of ways. It makes a woman feel insecure as heck (and that does Not increase the libido!)
In those situations, I'd argue that going cold is more of the same, or worse.
Yes, it's possible, and if he feels that's the case here, he should let his wife know that he "gets it" (by acknowledging where he fell short), and commit to her that he will work on those issues as soon as she ends her affair.
"End your affair and return to the marriage, and I think you will find that I am willing to work on any and all issues -- including my own. But make no mistake, in the meantime, I am NOT willing to live in an open marriage" should be his position.
In my opinion.
On a final note, there are more than one kind of "test". It's far more likely (again, in my opinion, but let's just say "JUST" as likely for the sake of argument) that his wife is testing him to see if he will strongly enforce his own boundaries, and remain firm in them and ALSO remain firm in exhibiting new behaviors that he is a changed man who "gets it."
25Years: Yes,I had the affair twice. When I ended the affair the first time, W insisted on counseling, which I agreed to. After the first 2 sessions, it appeared to me (because of my state of mind) that the sessions were solely about my A and not about the communication and lack of intimacy issues W and I had. After the 2nd session, I checked out mentally/emotionally from the counseling. I took the easy way out and went back to the OW where I could get validation. I went to 3 more counseling sessions with W, and then finally confessed to W after we had gotten home from the 5th (and final session).
In terms of compensating for the hurt I caused, I agree with you. I believe there is room for me to do that. But as Bond said in an earlier post, I have asked her (as well as her family)for forgiveness. I have apologized many, many times to her in our conversations. W believes my regret and remorse is sincere as she has told me she believes it is. But in every conversation she always tells me how this is all because of my A and that she is the victim of what I did. Based on that, I don't know how else to compensate for the hurt caused. I continue and will continue to take care of the cats. But as Starsky pointed out, should I really be helping her with matters that I had previously done in the H role? I'm not sure.
With regards to the lack of ML. Last time W and I ML'd was Feb of 2012. I believe I pursued her in that regard. Flowers, telling her how beautiful she was. I don't mean to share too much info, but there were many times I tried to get her to shower together with me. Things like that. We had always been compatible until about 5 years ago. So perhaps it was the menopause. But I do believe that I tried what I could in regards to showing her she was wanted and desired in a physical and emotional way. Where I failed in that regard is by not talking to her about it more. As I said before, we would laugh and joke about it....I don't think either one of us knew how exactly to handle it. I share in that responsibility. When her parents became sick and we took care of them before passing, all our issues were placed on the backburner.
Thanks to you and Starsky and Bond for the prior posts. It gives me lots more insight and helps me to look at the situation in different ways.
W got news this past week that her aunt (mom's sister) is not good. Aunt fell at her home and bruised her back. While she was in the hospital, found inoperable lung cancer. W is upset as she said A is wasting away and not eating much at all. Everyone feels the end is close. I was close to A as well, so this was very hard to hear. Told W I am praying for A and if she or the family needs anything, to let me know. Hard to draw a line on something like this and to know what to say or what not to say.
Yesterday (2/20) was the one year anniversary of W's father's passing. W took yesterday and today off from work. I did send W an email yesterday telling her I was thinking of her knowing it was a tough day. Also told her a funny story about her dad that always made her laugh. I saw W last night as we got our taxes done together...she mentioned she got the email, but that was it. Not much other dialogue except around the taxes.
Feeling pretty sad today and helpless. Wishing I could be there to comfort W. But I know I lost the right to do that by having the A. Just wish I could be with her.
Met with my attorney on Friday. Looked over the D papers that W filed. My attorney said, "it should be pretty simple". My atty knows I don't want the D, but she also said there is nothing we can do to stop it. If W is intent on D, then I have to accept it.
W had me over yesterday to cut the cats' nails. No mention of the D from either one of us. She filled me in on her entire family, which was nice to hear since it was the most info she has given to me about them since I've been gone. She also told me she is going on a vacation with her sister (and her S's family) to Florida in May.
I continue praying, but at this point, not sure what else there is for me to do. This is horrible...
It wasn't just to cut their nails...she knows how much the cats mean to me, so it was an invite to come over and spend time with them. She has been clear that she wants me to spend time with them and will not restrict my access to them.
Her initial email to me was to see if Sunday was a good time to come see the cats. When I was there, she asked if I wanted to cut their nails. Since I probably won't be back for another couple weeks, I figured it was a good time to do so.
W and I discussed prior to my moving out. She loves them too...they are our "kids". Anyway, I felt it better for them to stay in the only house they've known. One is 13 and the other is 11, so I didn't feel uprooting them at this stage of their lives would be fair to them. The 13 year old has some health issues, so that was another reason. I didn't want to add any additional stress by moving them.
