WAW...Again

[stumps]

So, my story... about 3 years ago, back in July of 2011, my wife informed me she loved me but just wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Our marriage had it's fair share of ups and down and we had been to counseling in the past. Her major complaint was that I neglected our relationship. I was a great father, she said, but I didn't do much to make her feel like we had a relationship outside of parenting. Further more, she felt so much pain when she thought about the neglect that, even if things changed, she wasn't sure she would be able to get over the hurt she felt when she thought about the past. Fortunately, I was able to see on my own that there was truth in what she said, and rather than focus on anything she might have contributed to our problems I instead focused on myself and what I was able to control and change in the marriage. I got both books, the Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting, read them cover to cover repeatedly and employed what I learned from them with great success. I also started going to independent counseling (wife wasn't interested in marriage counseling but saw her own therapist). Within a couple of months my wife remarked that the major changes she was seeing in me had forced her to examine herself and her role in our marital problems, and she realized that 1) she couldn't put all the blame for her feelings on me, and 2) she wanted to stay married and work on the relationship. We had great success in this for the next 2 years or so, and then...

In the fall of 2013 we had some major financial upheaval, but our relationship was going well enough that my wife's response was to decide that we should start looking for a new house in a new town where the cost of living was lower than where our current home is. However, as our house hunting went on I noticed that she was slipping into some old patterns and so was I. She was going out and drinking more often with her friends and leaving more of the household responsibilities to me, and I was becoming more neglectful of the "relationship" aspect of our marriage. Utilizing our strengthened communication tools, we talked about it and she agreed that we were both slipping...backsliding that is. For her part, she said she was worried about leaving her family and friends who provide a security blanket of sorts for her, and going out with her friends kept her from having to think about that. So we put into action a plan: I would re-focus on "us", setting aside time for just the two of us, and she would cut back on the drinking and going out. A curious thing happened however. While I took steps to get back on track, my wife never really did. I set up dates for us and made sure I was addressing her needs as she had explained them to me, but she never really cut back on the drinking or going out. At home she was as loving as could be, no complaints there. No cold shoulder from her, plenty of sex and affection, good times together...none of the coldness that I've read so much about in these forums. But anytime she walked out the door I would have no idea when she would be back or in what condition. It's no fun when the kids constantly ask "when is mom going to be home" and all you can tell them is "I don't know."

So I checked in with her to find out where we stood and she said that she realized she was depressed about not being able to afford to stay in our hometown and that she was self-medicating with alcohol and that she was having doubts about our marriage again. She saw that I was taking the necessary steps to meet her needs, but she wasn't sure it was enough anymore. I told her that we were supposed to be meeting each other in the middle, and that it wasn't quite fair to expect me to continue giving more and more when she wasn't living up to her end of the bargain. She agreed, and said to give her a month to cut back on the drinking so that any decisions she made would be made with a clear head. I agreed, however in the ensuing months there was still no change...if anything she was going out even more often and drinking more often. It was like she was leading a double life: by day, we had all the affection and camaraderie a person could want, but when she left the house I never knew how drunk she would be when she got home or even when she would be home. I asked her point blank if the drinking was because she was wanted out of the marriage and if she just didn't know how to tell me and she said no. Realizing I couldn't control her drinking per se, I told her I needed some bare minimum boundaries that included keeping in touch enough by text so that I wouldn't be waking up in the middle of the night wondering where she was and so that I would have an answer for the kids when they wanted to know where she was and when she would be home. By the light of day she agreed that all of that was completely reasonable, but by night it was like pulling teeth getting her to abide by it. Still, the weird dichotomy existed...no lack of affection from her, active sex life, always kissing and hugging and saying "I love you". Nothing missing in that regard.

Finally, a few days ago, she came home from an independent counseling session (we both have been seeing IC's every couple of weeks or so as a way of keeping our marriage on track) and said that she has been in denial for months and wants a divorce and that her unhappiness has been the source of the drinking. Her explanation: Because of our finances she sees no future together, and she still feels pain when she thinks about the past and the relationship neglect she experienced. I told her that I understood how she felt, and why she would come to the conclusions that she has come to, but I also told her that I felt differently and that I came to a different set of conclusions. She told me her plan is to move in with her parents at some undetermined date and that we can tell the kids once I figure out where I'm going to move. No clue on her part (or mine for that matter) as to how to handle childcare, as our current work schedules are set up so that one of us can be home with the kids at all times and we won't be able to maintain those schedules if/when we separate.

She has stopped saying "I love you", but she still gives me a hug and kiss when she leaves for work, we still sleep in the same bed, she leans up against me when we watch TV together, when she gets up in the morning she comes into my home office and hugs me, and when we go to sleep she wraps her legs around mine. We converse like friends, continue to get along great...She says that type of affection is because she still cares about me and loves me as a friend. By all outward appearances, our relationship would seem more strong and affectionate then the marriages of the people we know who aren't going through any problems. In fact, from my perspective, the friendship that we have is the whole point of marriage! I'm kind of at a loss and not sure where to go from here... From the outside most people would think our marriage is great, but she says she wants to move out and wants a divorce.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

[Upwards]

Welcome to the board, sorry you find yourself in this situation. Have you read the Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting books?

You'll get lots of great advice here, you'll be on moderation for a little while so be patient as they can sometimes take a while to get approved.

[paul19510]

Welcome to the board. We are sorry to see your situation has lead you here. You wi ll find a lot of grewt help and advice. Keep posting and reading. It helps.

[stumps]

Thanks for the comments. I have read both the DR and DB books and they really helped last time. Funny, things seem to have come full circle and my wife and I are almost right back where we started back in 2011.

I've been doing pretty well with detaching and 180s. GAL has been a little more difficult because I work at home now and my wife primarily works nights, but I've been working on it.

Bomb was dropped 6 days ago and it's strange how well we've been getting along since. No relationship talk, just going about our business like a typical married couple. No mention from her of a move-out date or her thoughts regarding childcare/custody. Wife has stopped saying "I love you" but still hugs me and shows me other small affections...all initiated by her.

Last night she called me after work to let me know she was going out with her friend, and that she wanted to let me know she wouldn't be doing anything while she was out that she wouldn't be doing if I were there. Kind of caught me off guard, but I appreciated it, and that's exactly what I told her. She texted around 1:30am to let me know she was on her way home, and when she got home she curled up in bed next to me and went to sleep with her head on my shoulder. Weird... Weird behavior from someone who says "ILYBINILWY, I'm moving out, and I want a divorce." Feels a little bit like the Twilight Zone around here sometimes...

[stumps]

"Detach" has become my mantra...

[stumps]

Read sandi's 37 rules and have been thinking a lot about them. Kind of made me think up one of my own... If you have to think about whether or not to do or say something, don't. The correct thing to do or say will make itself apparent to you. Until then, just don't.

[stumps]

Just kind of journaling here I guess...

I have to keep reminding myself that the lingering goodness I see in my wife's behavior may very well be, and most likely is, illusory... I want to take it as a sign that she's having a change of heart, but for all I know she's just keeping the peace and trying to make things look as normal to the kids as she can until she gives me a move-out date and makes a suggestion as to how to tell the kids.

There hasn't been any talk about the relationship since she dropped the bomb, 6 days ago. At that time I told her that while I didn't agree that divorce was the right thing for us, I understood how she felt and that she had to make the decisions that she felt were best for her (trying to validate while respectfully disagreeing; I would have liked to have said to her that she needed to take into account the kids' well-being when making decisions, but I managed to keep that to myself). However, I also told her if she wanted a divorce, it was going to have to be her work not mine... that I wasn't going to take on the job of planning her exit for her. Instead, she could let me know when she wanted to move out, and how she wanted to discuss it with the kids, and what she thought a fair custody/child care schedule would look like, and I would in-turn let her know what I thought was agreeable and we could try to hammer out anything that wasn't. Not 100% sure that was the right tact to take, but I just can't see sitting down with her and helping her figure it out. I told her I would't stand in her way, but I wouldn't be an active participant. I think I deserve that and owe it to myself.

So at any rate, I have to keep reminding myself that the pleasantness in our relationship right now may only be for show...or maybe it's genuine...but there is no way to know and either way I can't let myself believe that it means she's had a change of heart. Because at this point it is extremely unlikely that she has.

Detach, detach, detach...

[stumps]

Not sure if or when these posts will ever show up... Guess I'm just kind of journaling anyway.

Today will make it a full week since W said she wants a divorce. No relationship talk since that day. Had a good weekend, all things considered. She works Friday and Saturday nights, so that usually puts me at home with the kids (need to get a sitter one of the those nights soon as part of GAL).

When she got home on Saturday I was watching TV, so she fixed a couple of drinks for us and sat down with me and we hung out talking and laughing for a couple of hours before going to bed. Sunday we ran some errands and then took the kids to a late lunch. Had a really great time and, again, you never would guess from outward appearances what is going on. After the kids went to bed we did our Sunday night ritual--watched the Walking Dead--and then called it a night.

Most nights when we're in bed W asks me to either rub her or "comfort touch" her (her term for a light massage that helps soothe her to sleep), and Sunday night was no exception. Gave her a gentle head massage until I could tell from her breathing she was asleep. I have to remind myself that this does NOT mean anything and that I must assume that since the last thing she communicated is that she intends to move out, this is still her plan. In the meantime however, I am following some advice I read here from one of the vets and am creating as much pleasantness and good feelings while W is still here in the house. A massage, for example, costs me nothing. To offer one is to pursue, but I think to give one when asked creates good will and gives her something to miss when (and I must say "when" not "if") she leaves.

[stumps]

Did you ever meet someone who has cat that, if you try to approach it and pet it, it runs away? No matter how nice you try to be to it, no matter how much coaxing, the more you try to get it to come to you, the more it backs off and runs away. But, if you ignore it and just go about your business quietly and confidently, it will come out from it's hiding place behind the couch and approach you, and if you don't show too much interest it will tentatively sniff your hand or rub your leg and then if you show it just the right amount of attention it will suddenly start to purr and snuggle you.

I've realized that, right now, my wife is that cat.

I don't come to her, I let her come to me. Right now I don't pursue, but I do respond as skillfully as I can. Every hug, every request for some small affection I consider a tiny victory. They might not mean anything, I can't take them as signs she has changed her mind. But, for example, when she left this morning for yoga she came into my home office and walked over and gave me a good solid hug before leaving. She didn't need to do that, but she did. And if I'm going to engage in some kind of accounting of our situation... It's better she did that than walk out the door with nothing more than "good bye" or "see you later"...