My H pushes my buttons on almost a daily basis lately. I hardly ever respond to any of his texts or emails. I can see why he would be frustrated by that. But he isn't seeming to get it that I'm not going to talk to him when he is pushing my buttons.
When I told him about a month ago that I would not respond to any disrespectful communications, he went on a long rant about how it was all my fault and I don't deserve respect, and how he would think I would *want* to communicate with him in order to not make him angry.
That is all to say that I am not convinced that he is learning anything about how to talk to me if he wants me to listen, but I guess at least I am doing the best I can to protect myself.
When it comes to blame . . . why does it bother me? I don't know. I guess I care too much about what he thinks? I don't want him to think that? Or maybe it's just so maddening that I continue to expect him to be sane and rational and am constantly disappointed. I really need to drop that expectation. Quite frankly, unrealistic expectations of my H is what got me into this mess in the first place.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I am going to sleep, tomorrow I let you know why I asked you that
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
hi M, catching up. As bug says they want the D. Wish I could just do it already. I am stuck. Think my h is waiting for me to finish school. He wants me to get a job, have health insurance... I too struggle with thoughts constantly. I can't seem to stay mad at my h. Sometimes go as far as to remind myself...oh, yeah, he had an A and has left his family. Why do I continue to be nice to this man? It is keeping me stuck in that hope that h will come back. If we D atleast I could move on myself as h seems to have already done.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Well... M things always happen for a reason , do you see how you ask or give your opinion about your situation and then you speed up to 100% and start talking about the situation again and so on over and over? I was like that and still have that on me sometimes...I am learning to control the beast, what it hapens when I get so accelerated is that I had this tendency to read just the final part of the posts, just the "important parts" on an email, its like I had to read everything without really reading, and if I could find a point where I didnt agree even better.
I dont know if you do that, but I feel this situation could help you learn to slow down a little, and read the posts that others write to you, its important to vent what we have inside yes, and its important to slow down, breath meditate, when we live so fast, people cant keep up with our speed so they keep telling us and at the end they let us go...
This is a great journey for you to change things and improve yourself, I didnt like it when I didnt listen to people and I had always to give my point of view, or when I will speed up on my daily basis, when I woke up stressed out already because I had to go to work and I had no time for breakfast...
Thats my Humble Opininon,
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
If you are living your life, and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We are both over there...
A tough its harmless unless we believe it. It is not our toughs but our attachment to our toughs that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means beliving that its true, without inquiring. A belief its a thought that we ve been attaching to, often for years
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
My H pushes my buttons on almost a daily basis lately. I hardly ever respond to any of his texts or emails. I can see why he would be frustrated by that. But he isn't seeming to get it that I'm not going to talk to him when he is pushing my buttons.
When I told him about a month ago that I would not respond to any disrespectful communications, he went on a long rant about how it was all my fault and I don't deserve respect, and how he would think I would *want* to communicate with him in order to not make him angry.
That is all to say that I am not convinced that he is learning anything about how to talk to me if he wants me to listen, but I guess at least I am doing the best I can to protect myself.
When it comes to blame . . . why does it bother me? I don't know. I guess I care too much about what he thinks? I don't want him to think that? Or maybe it's just so maddening that I continue to expect him to be sane and rational and am constantly disappointed. I really need to drop that expectation. Quite frankly, unrealistic expectations of my H is what got me into this mess in the first place.
This ^^^is Mel focusing on Mel
Does it really matter what he thinks of you? Does it matter what anyone thinks of you? That's how we get stuck playing the blame-shame-guilt game. I'm saying this as gently as I can, it's evident here when you disagree with something someone has written about your sitch you come back with paragraphs defending yourself. It's as if some weakness has been exposed and you have to put that wall up before you're further exposed. I was a master at that.
When we're not afraid of exposing our weaknesses (we all have them)and people comment we can say "hmmmm, I see what you're saying, I hadn't seen it that way Thanks for the input" and either think about it and reject it or think about it and test it. That's how being vulnerable is helpful, we are comfortable with who we are, people see us as we are, we can accept criticism without taking it personally. After a while we no longer see those things as weaknesses to hide or be ashamed of, they are just another facet of who we are.
So when another person "pushes our buttons" (buttons are really just little unhealed wounds, weaknesses)what do we do with that? Is it better to get angry and start hitting all their buttons or to recognize what's happening and figure out why that button is so sensitive and then try to heal that spot and rid ourselves of the possibility of being hurt by that again?
I had to go through all of this to get to the other side and I can tell you, it's worth it. I have said many times this experience was a gift in really ugly wrapping paper, but a gift nonetheless. Most of my buttons are gone now, a few still left and I'm sure there will always be some, but they won't cause quite so much pain.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
In the spirit of transparency and vulnerability, you have pushed my buttons. Not consciously because you don't know me well enough but they were pushed nonetheless.
When that happens, I slow down, breathe and take a look inside. I ask myself, "Why am I feeling this?" "What is it that her words triggered?" Once I know what I'm feeling and why, I can get through it but without slowing down and figuring out what that rock in my gut is, I'm stuck in shame, being hurt and blaming you for something that's completely my problem.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Funny you point this out. I'm having some difficulty with someone rather close to me IRL. I had to ask myself the same questions last week. Once I realized that he hit a nerve, we talked about it and I found out what his issues were. And he gave me the chance to tell him why I felt the way I did.
Things are much better, but I also know that when your buttons are pushed, sometimes it's like getting stung by a wasp. You yell and scream because it hurts - and you have to deal with the swelling and pain. Only after those things are tended can you sit back and figure out what happened.
Melissa - I think I've commented more than once that your H knows full well how to push your buttons. It's probably what makes him a good lawyer. Which means he's also pretty good at reading people and knowing their soft spots. The only way to change that dance is to make those buttons ineffective.
Even if you don't really know a specific path to follow, I found the best way to start is to pick one aspect of communication that needs to change. CHANGE. And then be consistent with those changes. I know you're a girl who likes examples, so I'll give you the single one that worked best for me...
I was one of those people who felt the need to react (and I do mean react) to things said immediately. That negative trait caused things to spiral out of control quickly, and rendered me completely defenseless when I needed it the most. So I forced myself to institute the 24 hour rule for anything that I felt needed a response. What I discovered is that 80-90% of the time, I really didn't *need* to respond, and it eliminated those knee jerk moments where I started spewing. But if the issue was warranted, the need to address it was still there 24 hours later - just without all the emotion.
I'm not suggesting that be your focal point. Clearly your H gets agitated when he thinks that you're ignoring him.
So maybe the 180 is to tell him, "I know you feel I'm ignoring you when I don't answer immediately - because that's how I used to do things - but I'm trying to think things through before I answer you. Will you please grant me that time so that I consider what you've said and how I feel before lighting in to me?"
If he's reasonable, he'll start connecting the dots and give you that time. From what I've read, he seems to be the one who needs the 24 hour rule, but we can't advise him here, can we?
For the record, I'm kinda disappointed in how he dealt with that conversation with your kids. But whoever said to drop the rope and deal with the fallout is pretty much dead on. You can't corral the horses since he opened the barn door and they fled. So now it's time for Plan B.
I like the idea of family counseling under the umbrella of creating new coping mechanisms and hashing out agreements going forward. They're hard - you've not done this before, so don't hold yourself to the standard of knowing this up front. I think being open to new ways and ideas is the most important thing.
Happy St. Patricks Day!
Betsey (yes, wearing my green and all thing Celtic today)
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks, bug. My H pushes my buttons on almost a daily basis lately.
Stop having all those buttons. Turn them off. You DO control the "circuit breaker".
I hardly ever respond to any of his texts or emails. I can see why he would be frustrated by that. But he isn't seeming to get it that I'm not going to talk to him when he is pushing my buttons.
Tell him when YOU feel attacked or blamed, it hinders your ability to communicate well & parent as effectively as you want. So you'll use your L b/c you have enough to deal with, emotionally. And for the sake of your children you need to heal and process this as quickly as you can. HIS behavior effects you; so you shall minimize it from now on...Put zero spin in your words and again, remember, all of what you write may later be read by a judge. I think your h writes his notes to you, with that in mind, btw. Not to sabotage you but to protect himself b/c in HIS world view, he is the victim.
Years ago I did some criminal defense work Melissa. About 5-10 of my over 300 clients, took real responsibility for their crimes. Most FELT JUSTIFIED (1)"it wasn't me, 2) if I did it, I had to, 3) you'd have done the same thing, 4) everyone does this but I got caught/punished MORE than others", etc)...
No I'm not calling your h a crook. I'm merely reminding you that very few people choose to be a jerk, knowingly. We all rationalize our behaviors. All of us...
When I told him about a month ago that I would not respond to any disrespectful communications, he went on a long rant about how it was all my fault and I don't deserve respect, and how he would think I would *want* to communicate with him in order to not make him angry. Stay on message. This is a campaign in a way. Don't lose focus or engage. Stay on message. BRIEFLY and don't bring up old stuff. He'll tune it out. The briefer you are (not rude, but brief) the easier it will be for him to "hear" you...
That is all to say that I am not convinced that he is learning anything about how to talk to me if he wants me to listen, but I guess at least I am doing the best I can to protect myself. That's all you will get and all you control. Do not concern yourself with whether he is "learning anything about how"..to do or say anything. Why are you even letting thoughts of HIS behavior cross YOUR mind now? You know that you have no control over him so stop monitoring for results FROM HIM...
monitor YOU. Stay on your path of growth and stay on message.
If you truly believe you are doing right by your kids and your future, that will have to be enough for you to find and hold onto, internal peace. And when you are doing this, (being at peace, growing & staying on message) then turn your marriage over to the BIG GUY upstairs, and hold your head high . When it comes to blame . . . why does it bother me? I don't know. I guess I care too much about what he thinks? I don't want him to think that? of course^^ all of the above and your own internal fears that he has some validity in his views. You were married a long time. Naturally this happens. When you come to know that you have done your best to be your best self, you'll find some internal peace. It will have to be enough, Melissa.
Or maybe it's just so maddening that I continue to expect him to be sane and rational and am constantly disappointed. I really need to drop that expectation. Quite frankly, unrealistic expectations of my H is what got me into this mess in the first place.
Indeed^^^...I suspect he has seen your dashed hopes/expectations and his experience of that, was that you were blaming him...his experience of that was you being "bitchy" to him. Your resentment may well have been justified but to him, it's just more anger from you.
So it really boils down to whether you want to be happy, or "right".
I know you SAY you want to be happy. But dig deep and see if there's more there, to wanting to be declared "right". B/c it's a colossal waste of time and it delays your arrival, at the other side of this...
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So when another person "pushes our buttons" (buttons are really just little unhealed wounds, weaknesses)what do we do with that? Is it better to get angry and start hitting all their buttons or to recognize what's happening and figure out why that button is so sensitive and then try to heal that spot and rid ourselves of the possibility of being hurt by that again?
I had to go through all of this to get to the other side and I can tell you, it's worth it. I have said many times this experience was a gift in really ugly wrapping paper, but a gift nonetheless. Most of my buttons are gone now, a few still left and I'm sure there will always be some, but they won't cause quite so much pain.
^^^Good stuff....really good stuff. The buttons are yours, so they are yours to control. And they are among the few things we really DO control in these situations. What a gift! (But yes, the "wrapping paper" is ugly and scratchy...)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
