Thanks again for the advice. It's mostly what I thought, which is a relief. It's incredibly challenging to change that mind frame of my WAW not being my W. Especially around people that have known us for a long time.
Yes, having no expectations is key. I'm nervous about her cancelling for the FT appt, as you said Sandi2. Guess we will see tomorrow.
Starsky, I have started to reconnect with some friends that I hadn't seen for awhile. Life kept us busy and kids added to that. Also started to play a bit of golf, but currently , having the kids with me all the time makes that a bit tricky. I do need to go out at night more. I've hesitated against that because before it was my WAW who would come and look after the kids. I don't like that setup. Definitely a goal for the next two weeks. I've got better support now from my family, so that's also a plus. Time constraints have been removed and they can help more if needed.
My friend is going to Vegas for a week, I may go down for a few days, if I'm up for it. I hesitate to leave my kids right now as they need me, or so I feel. At the same time, I want to be strong and show leadership for them.
Thanks for the help on how to act tonight, and I'm feeling a lot of what you both are saying is the way to go. Guess your vets for a reason .
Haha, I was confused about that but I figured it out . Took me a few reads
So last night was fine , we took seperate cars to wind up , but she left early to take two kids back to house against my wishes, and then left while I was putting them to bed.
She's noticed I have changed my interactions with her, and I'm sure she will be watching. She came right out and asked me if I had changed the way I was treating her. Saw a relatives phone number on call display, and assumed I had told my whole family . Started to get mad. I didn't respond or say anything except that I had not told my extended family anything.
Then the evening got interesting. Her cousin called me for information due to rumours he'd heard, as did her sister . While I spoke with them a bit, I directed them to Lindsay for more information if they wished.
Meeting with the FT in a few hours. Not been cancelled by her yet.
Her birthday is coming up next week . I plan to be out of town. I don't plan on making a card or giving her a present. She had he nerve to ask me to buy her a new laptop?? Not sure what planet she's on, but I have little interest in that.
With respect to GAL, I have also enrolled in a climbing course and a photography course. Two interests of mine
Next two weeks will be interesting. However, this is not a sprint , and I'm starting to realize that . The pressure from people in the know continues to build all the time. I just put it out of my head. I realize they just want to see me out of pain , and think a divorce is the easiest way for that . Don't think they realize how I would grieve even more with a divorce
Ok, so yesterday after our FT, my W asked to go for a walk. I should have declined, as she proceeded to tell me that I controlled her and prevented her from achieving her goals by having kids with her . This was both shocking and frustrating to me. It also shook me to my core, because it gave me some insight into her viewpoint right now, and where I am perceived in this. I know you already showed me this Sandi, but man, that stung last night. I was called manipulative, controlling and all kinds of bad words . I really just need to not spend any time or have any convos about anything at this time
We are establishing a schedule, and the FT is not concerned about her self harm. Not sure why, but she seemed to think my W was more stable than I think. Doesn't really make sense to me, and made me feel like I was imagining this was a risk.
I came away feeling like there is no hope, at all. I can't see anything positive on the horizon, which is depressing. My tough love approach that I have begun to slowly implement is working to provide space and distance, and reduce pressure, but she is really just getting further into her affair.
I am not really sure if I should now go through the process of formalizing a separation agreement, as I feel that that is part of LRT, but I understand that once I begin that process, it cannot be an idle threat. But then again, aren't I already facing a divorce?
Is starting the formalized separation agreement a good idea? Or should I just try to keep status quo with an established schedule?
Also,on a side note, she really wants to purchase new cars right now, because everytime she sees the minivan we have, she said she despises me for buying it. So difficult. I do need to get a new car, by I feel that it would be ridiculous to buy a new car until our situation is clarified a bit more. She also said yesterday she has noticed my changes , but feels they may be too late. I am really trying to avoid relationship talk etc, but she frequently brings this up
I'm just going to have to a avoid any contact I think. Argggggh, no one said this going to be easy, but I have to realize I'm not going to see any signs for awhile. I'm usually so results oriented, it's hard to change that
PATIENCE, Dev -- patience. It is WAY too early for you to expect much more than what she's spewing right now. Just put on the spew raincoat and steel yourself, as it's going to be a bumpy, messy ride.
It's PERFECTLY SCRIPT what she's saying right now. I've seen literally THOUSANDS of stories that vary very little from just two or three basic scripts, and while I know that doesn't make the sting burn any less, it IS nevertheless "normal" for someone in an affair (not to mention her other mental/emotional issues).
As for the cars, I would just suggest you tell her "considering our current marital and financial situation, I don't think that would be wise right now," and talk to your atty about it. ANYTHING NEW you provide for her right now is going to just be folded into her "customary lifestyle" should you two D or LS.
Avoid the R talks, keep focusing on your GALs, and defer to your atty on anything legal/financial . . . and protect those kids.
Most women worth their salt can see through the BS of another female. So give the FT a chance. She probably knew not to come down too hard on your W in that first meeting, if she wanted her to return.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate your advice and realize I need to be patient.
This weekend has been interesting. It seems like she is trying to control who I see and what I do. Her cousin dropped in on Friday night for an unscheduled visit. To my chagrin, sat AM when I was out, she phoned and my kids mentioned they had seen her cousin. My phone started buzzing with repeated phone calls. I picked up finally, only to be lectured about why I didn't tell her that her cousin was coming over and ok it with her. She had noticed I put a six pack of beer in the fridge, so she assumed that I knew he was dropping in. I explained I was having a friend over on Saturday, and she demanded to know who etc. She said I am driving a wedge between us. I calmly stated her actions are doing that, and we got off the phone.
On the Friday night before this happened, she had again flipped out on me for buying a present for our nephews birthday, as I was seeing them on Saturday. She told me to stay the F .$&@ away from her family yada yada yada. Blamed me for her strained relationships with her family right now.
I think the real issue here was she was picking up the OM later that night on Friday, and I think the angrier she is with me the easier it is to justify what she is doing. Just a guess on my part. I think she picked a fight to get angry and then justify what she was doing.
I awoke the next AM on Saturday, after she had flipped out on me Friday night, to a text about how lucky the kids are to have me as a father. Not sure if that was a guilty text or what , but it is somewhat different from the tune she was singing in January when she was explaining why she was leaving. Obviously, I realize whatever she is saying she has motives.
Both times she got angry on Friday night and Saturday AM, I stayed calm, and I realized that my PMA was being affected by her attitude. No one likes to be yelled at, but I also realize arguing is pointless. As Starsky says, put on the spew jacket and suit up.
Anyways, her conference continues, more distance right now, which I think is positive. Too bad we've had an outbreak of Norwalk at my house, or I might be able to enjoy some quiet time with the kids
Thanks again for all the advice. I do realize this is long ride.
I'm obviously aware that patience will be required, especially as my WAW wife is still in an A, but I am curious to hear some people's stories of what was the breaking point for their S to either end their A, or for the LBS to move on. I'm sure everyone's timeline is different based on their individual needs. Just curious if there are some common threads out there.
Seems like A's are so common, I'm just curious if there are some commonalities for when they end and what happens to the MR
I know the typical success stories require the WAW to be remorseful, have true transparency etc, but I just wonder what gets them near that point
I came down pretty hard and swift, so my results may not be typical. My wife's affair pretty much fizzed after I exposed, and was done for good within three months. It took us I'd say two years or so of fits-and-starts piecing in order to fully reconcile and get to the "now it's better and healthier than ever" stage that we've enjoyed since.
. 
. Took me a few reads