Pray and breath, everything will be fine one way or the other, exercise if you can today and tomorrow and be patient, there is nothing else you can do...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Beersha, I'm sorry you are so stressed. You know what you have to do. If you meet him, leave your expectations on this meeting behind. Trying to predict the point of this meeting can't help you. Even if you figure out the purpose ahead of time you won't be able to predict his mood or attitude. Like they always say, its a business meeting. Treat it like one...
I would also suggest to not react to anything said quickly. I imagine any way the conversation goes would be easy to emotionally respond, but those are the times things come out we wish we had not said.
As for how you are feeling, I know I'm supposed to tell you to detach and GAL. These are the right answers. But mostly I'd like to say I know how you feel. You aren't alone. Many of us are experiencing the same pain and we will all get through it....one day at a time, one emotional breakdown at a time. Things will get better for all of us. We just have to want them to and start looking for ways to make it so.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
You gather "Intel" as if this is a reconnaissance mission. Get data FROM him without giving it back.
You "need time to process" whatever the heck he says. Be polite, absolutely listen listen and listen some more. Probe any issue you are not totally clear about.
Then tell him you need time to think about whatever he says and that you will let him know soon, when you have had time to think it thru.
Of course stress whatever he says that you do have in common, like "want what is best for the kids", etc. But no specific agreement before you have had time to process it thoroughly (and see your L about it, etc)
No matter what he says, don't lose your sh!t in front of him. Stay calm. The person who remains the calmest is the person with the power. Keep your power and use it well.
If you feel extortion coming, (like he won't pay you XX if you don't agree to Y, etc) then you end the conversation and leave.
But that's not as likely as him probing YOU for information.
Don't give it out unless it's strategically wise, and at this point, seems to me it'd be best to just be in a gathering data mode, not transmitting any.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Update: So after all my anxiety today, H didn't show. He finally text at 1630 asking if I was going to be home tonight. I replied yes, but my parents were arriving and staying for a week. He then said 'I don't want to see them and I don't want a scene in front of the kids'. Ridiculous statement, so not what my family are like and he knows it. Just another reason to stay away and blame me. Then he said some more nasty comments and told me to organise mediation. Apparently once all that is sorted be will be a more attentive dad.
I honestly feel like giving up. He will not speak to me. He is filled with hate for me and I don't know where it is coming from. I cannot see a path back from here. And he certainly doesn't want to try right now.
I am trying to GAL, to keep moving forward. I am just so sad.
Today I had an IC appointment. I am still so sad about what's happening, but I think I am understanding that it is happening, whether I like it or not. And I'm trying to focus on a day at a time, getting through each one. And since he is pushing so much for mediation, dividing our property, it does sort of force me to come to terms with it. And I am slowly learning that I may never understand what he is thinking or why he is doing any of this.
So today H wanted me to arrange mediation. I got some information for him, but didn't book anything. He can do that if he wants. I texted him the info, and he replied that he will look into it, and that he will stay at our house next week while he is on night shift, in the spare room. He hasn't stayed here for 10 weeks. How do I play that? Do I let him, use it as an opportunity to show him my DBing? Do I ask why he is suddenly coming home to stay? I suspect his buddies generosity is wearing thin. I guess I'm asking how do I turn this to my advantage? Is it a good thing, a positive, despite what is coming out of his mouth?
Beersha, from my point of view its not something to turn around. You are trying to get into his head and understand him but WAS cannot be figured out, controlled, or changed by us. Until he decides to change his choice you only have control over you.
I can understand not wanting him to be angry so you looked up info on mediation, but is that what you wanted? I wouldn't do anything that helps him push his agenda forward unless its what you want. If he is coming home next week I would think you let him. I'm not an expert, so don't quote me, but if you aren't legally S or D'd then if you keep him out it becomes a problem I believe. Legally its still his home too.
I wouldn't ask him reasons. He may just take that as you snooping or trying to control him. It can be a positive thing but if you build up expectations around this it it will be harder on you.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Today I had an IC appointment. I am still so sad about what's happening, but I think I am understanding that it is happening, whether I like it or not. And I'm trying to focus on a day at a time, getting through each one. Good, b/c this^^ is what you MUST do, regardless of outcome, you have to get thru this without losing your sh1t. You CAN do this and your IC can help.
And since he is pushing so much for mediation, dividing our property, it does sort of force me to come to terms with it.
It absolutely forces you to come to terms with it. I trust you have seen a lawyer? If not, do so asap. You do NOT need to inform your h of that. Merely gather some information b/c you clearly are still in the dark about a lot. You need information and information is power. Again, I stress, you need NOT tell him of this and you need NOT "do" anything with that information but for sure it can hurt you badly, if you continue to stay in the dark. And I am slowly learning that I may never understand what he is thinking or why he is doing any of this.
This^^ revelation is crucial for you to stop worrying about his feelings/plans or actions. The sooner you stop trying to understand his reasons, the sooner you'll focus on YOUR NEW LIFE and your children's. I reconciled with my h but you know what? To this day, I don't understand my h's thought process then. Partly b/c there's NO "good reason" in my world view, for choosing anything over being with my children. So it's literally impossible for me to understand. So I'm not wasting anymore time on it.
So today H wanted me to arrange mediation.
So what? Why would you "arrange" it, and not him? Is it b/c your schedule is harder to plan around, b/c of the kids? So, tell him when you are available and let him arrange it. I don't see how it helps for You to do this for him. It's darn odd.
Also, fyi mediation usually (not saying "always" but by far, more often) helps the one earning the most. In other words, you're entitled to "X" amount but mediation is designed to LOWER that amount, not grow it. Keep in mind that chances are, you won't be helped by mediation unless you truly live in an area that awards wildly varying amounts in support/alimony. But most states and countries have guidelines that lawyers and judges follow. Are any of your children special needs?
Otherwise, absent some inherited properties (IF kept separate) or odd business arrangements, why mediate? Why not just get your own lawyer? At least to review his proposals...
I got some information for him, but didn't book anything. He can do that if he wants. I texted him the info, and he replied that he will look into it, and that he will stay at our house next week while he is on night shift, in the spare room. He hasn't stayed here for 10 weeks.
How do I play that? Do I let him, use it as an opportunity to show him my DBing? Yes you do. You probably cannot legally prevent him from entering the home without a restraining order OR filing for sep or divorce...so you can fight it, and lose, or you can use it as an opportunity to show your new self. DO NOT ASK HIM WHY or anything else...assume nothing. Ask nothing.
He gave you the information you "need" which is when he'll be there, how long he'll stay (right?) and where he'll sleep. I'd make some plans for GAL to the max. Being upbeat, showing your "awakening" which is that you know you will be more than alright b/c you are a great catch, OMs notice you, you look forward to not being tied down to his moods and blah blah blah you are getting happier every day...
DO NOT think that being happy in front of him will "give the wrong message" b/c that suggests being needy/clingy and miserable is somehow more attractive. It's not. Being upbeat in front of him suggests you are a fun person to be around. NO TENSION IN FRONT OF HIM...leave if you think it will happen.
Do I ask why he is suddenly coming home to stay? I suspect his buddies generosity is wearing thin.
No, and why on earth would the idea of asking him, be a good one? Enough said. Ask nothing. The only topic worth discussing would be IN REACTION to him asking you questions. And I'd suggest you do a whole lot of asking and next to zero answers and no questions for him unless you do not understand something he said. Just to clarify and re-cap his words. Give him no data.
I guess I'm asking how do I turn this to my advantage? Is it a good thing, a positive, despite what is coming out of his mouth?
It's an opportunity for you to make it a positive. You do that by keeping the tension down, the relaxation around you has to grow for him to start feeling he can come around.
Play with the kids as lovingly as possible, back off when he joins unless it seems rude of you. Group fun is fine, but don't push for it. Be laid back. You want him to feel unattacked when he is around you and the kids.
The kids may ask him questions...do not answer for him but don't stare and wait for the answers. Back off big time.
Read nothing into this. Like I said, it's a chance for you to demonstrate the new you.
1) no anger in front of him
2) applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does, compliment any positives.
3) listen like a lover, when he speaks. Eye contact, no judgement, validate if appropriate.
If he revises the marital history, you have two options:
If he recalls an event that hurt him and you see SOME validity to it, say "H, I'm sorry that hurt you and if I had it all to do over again, I'd do lots of things differently."
IF he recalls something VERY DIFFERENTLY than you do, or if you have no recall at all of it, say "H, wow that's not how I recall it but I'm sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
both answers show change on your end, neither escalates the issue and neither answer makes you a doormat.
Build on his ability to be at home and not feel cornered or trapped.
This is step one of that plan. You can do it. It's what, one week? Be scarce when he is around, a bit mysterious when you go out but not rude. Upbeat, as if you have "interesting things to do, cool places to go and fascinating people to meet"...
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So further update. He texted this morning saying he is moving into the spare room on Friday and we can sort things out in the coming weeks. He is still adamant he wants mediation.
Mediation here is compulsory before you go to court, they hope I guess you an sort things that way instead of clogging up the courts. Neither of us can afford to go the lawyer route anyway (although I have seen one for advice) so I would prefer to avoid it.
I'm not sure what he is hoping to achieve by coming home. There is no blame divorce here. His behaviour doesn't affect anything. We don't have any money or really any property to be divided, if he is hoping for a bigger share. I will have the children most of the time (he works shifts, it will be impossible for him to do a 50/50 custody split.) he will likely only be able to have them 2 weekends every 5 weeks, unless he changes his work. Which i doubt as it is so precious to him.
I know the rules, and I will try to act 'as if' and to just get on with my stuff, but it's going to be do awkward! And the children will be delighted. It's just so odd. And I can't get in to see my IC for another 2 weeks. I'm just feeling so apprehensive already.
Well take it easy, you are trying to figure it out everything before it happens, just go with the flow, stick to sandi rules and go ONE DAY AT A TIME...sometimes when a WAS leaves we started to rush things to avoid being blamed no more, when in reality they will do as they wish and blame you for things that they dont even make sense... Thats why you learn to be calm and patient...he is the one looking for D? Ok let him do the steps necessary for what he wants, and stop assuming WE, there is no We, you might have no money for a L but we dont know what he is doing and you might be surprised of how he could get money out of nowhere.... So again we have no idea about his life so we focus in our life and we move acordinly with our own times.... When a person is angry they do and say things that many times make no sense, and its their way to show how they have power over the situation...they become bullies and they will do things you couldnt even proccess on a rational way....its not him, its his anger talking....
He wants to move back to the house? Ok cool, act as if, be cool with everything and dont pay attention of what he is doing....his life its a rodeo right now, he is the bull that comes out of the door with all the power and the strenght but in a time he will have no more option than relax....or he will ending getting a heart attack let him feel like that, focus on what you can do for yourself....
The more that you pay attention to his actions the more you will suffer....and the more you suffer the more he will keep doing the same.... The less attention you pay..the more he has to focus on himself (thats truly what he is avoiding) to see his own part on this.... Get a GAL and exercise for everything else....american express
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Also, please check the rules in your jurisdiction. Where I live, mediation is mandatory but it only counts if you mediate after a case has been filed. If no proceeding has been commenced, your mediation may not count for purposes of using it as a prerequisite to going to trial. However, parties are free to mediate at any time, and if you settle it won't matter that a lawsuit hasn't commenced. Just something to ask about before you go to the expense of mediation. Otherwise, a court could order you to mediate again.
let him feel like that, focus on what you can do for yourself....