Scorp, dude the woman takes off with your kids and moves them hours a way and falsely calls the cops on you and is now fighting to keep you from seeing them regularly, and you just want to give her a hug? Really. Honestly, that's messed up. You don't have to hate her, but she is trying to gut you and your life and your kids and your finances. She is a storm of devastation approaching you fast. She is not your FRIEND right now. BEWARE, BE VARY AWARE of that.
I'm getting there. What hurts by far the most right now is seeing my kids as little as I am. If they were with me at least half the time then that would change things a lot.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Scorp, I agree with the others that you are sooooo not detached. But there is no magic bullet for getting there. Just keep practicing and focus on your kids right now.
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but your W cares about herself and ONLY herself right now (she clearly isn't even putting her kids' interests above her own!), so you need to be looking out for you.
I think one of the hardest things for LBSs is the sudden loss of the R - the expectation that you and your spouse are a team, that you care about each other, that your feelings matter. As you said, your W would have no interest in a hug from you right now. You need to accept that reality. That ship has sailed, and may never come back.
Going against your W's wishes, when her wishes are only in her own best interest, IS NOT WRONG. You don't owe your W anything other than basic human respect. You need to take care of you.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Perhaps the best advice I got when I first came to these boards in how to deal with a breakup I didn't want -- "Sometimes the only way out is through."
Thanks mel, unbidden. I did just change the locks and the security system on the house. I know there still is a storm coming and I'm getting prepared. The lawyer will have all the paper work she needs today so that ball is rolling.
It's sort of ironic isn't it? My W is trying to play the victim card because she says she was afraid of me and yet through this whole thing I've had a hard time even defending myself because I had it stuck in my head that doing that could hurt her. I always knew that she was the one person that could hurt me the most and that's proven to be true.
I never would have wanted to take my kids away from my W for any amount of time, I know how much she loves them. They love her very much too. I love my kids just as much though and I know they love me so, looking forward, the best we can likely do is share time with the kids equally and try to co-parent as well as we can.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
What hurts by far the most right now is seeing my kids as little as I am.
Remember this...next time you wonder if you are doing the right thing by trying to secure visation of your kids.
Quote:
try to co-parent as well as we can
Usually you will start by parallel parenting. I suggest doing some research on it. YOUR goal should be to co parent, however that requires two people to agree to do that.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Been following your story Scorp, really feel for you. I'm struggling with detachment too, some days I think i've nailed it then I realise I definitely haven't. Sounds like your doing great though, you've got some fab support here
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
It's sort of ironic isn't it? My W is trying to play the victim card because she says she was afraid of me and yet through this whole thing I've had a hard time even defending myself because I had it stuck in my head that doing that could hurt her. I always knew that she was the one person that could hurt me the most and that's proven to be true.
It IS ironic....
Cause YOU have been paying that victim card too....
You have become a victim of your own in-actions, by blaming HER for not seeing your kids....
Mach, you're right, I suppose I have been playing the victim lately. I'm getting stronger, still have a ways to go to totally detach. I have some good moments and some bad but the good moments are slowly starting to be more of the norm rather than the exception.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
