Hi Scorp (again) I read part 1 and 5. I have a WAY better feel for this now.
Scratch what I said earlier as the police will be of no help at this point in my opinion. This has been going on too long.
|Your threads are PILED with awesome advice!!
I've noticed that you are finally coming around to playing it a little harder.
The key here (and repeat it to EVERYONE) is YOUR kids.
EVERYTHING you DO and SAY has got to be framed as in their best interest.
This is not about your W. An interesting thing for you to know (and feel free to Google it as I don't recall the source) is that the MOST important influence on a female under 10 is HER FATHER!!!
You got two, my friend. And every day that you aren't there to be a male role model is affecting them. How you behave (take charge; get it done; strong and fair, etc) as a male role model will affect their future in ways you can't imagine.
I hope that puts enough fire in you to stop waiting and start doing.
What your W wants is immaterial now. She "acted" to show you what she wants. "The kids, the money, and a doormat"
You fully control number three. And that's her key to the first two.
If your L doesn't respond with the urgency or passion required to get it going, GET ANOTHER ONE!!
In any contact w your W (and let her come to you!), you stress that NOTHING will happen about anything until the custody issue is resolved.
I'm actually surprised that your L advised you to keep paying her. Cutting off her unofficial support would have changed her tune pretty quickly. My ex was told by her L to stop contributing to our mortgage to force me to capitulate.
I did not play that game. Tightened the belt and kept going.
The hardest part you face is the time that she's had it her way. See my comment in first post about Law of Precedence (Status Quo) The longer a sitch has been a particular way, the harder it is to change.
You should feel an unbelievable urgency to change how it is right now.
It's time to DO.
Your kids are counting on you. And watching.
What has your L said about the BS arrest she had made on you?
Thanks AKHope, I had missed your posts. My L seems to be decent to pretty good. I think the main thing is she saw that I was wishy washy on filing for D but now that I have my head on straight I think she'll be good.
With the CS, she said if I didn't pay it now my W would simply have her L file an order with maintenance enforcement and they would come after me for it. Not sure how that works considering custody is far from decided yet. My W is not contributing to the mortgage at all but if she's trying to pressure me with that she may end up going down with me as both our names are on the house.
With the BS charge she filed against me I have agreed to a peace bond. Not cool since it's a totally false charge but I can't take even the small chance of somehow being found guilty. If that happened my career would be over and I have a pretty good one.
I agree with everyone saying I need to get going on this with my L immediately. I got stuck in thinking my W would stop with this insanity but I can't wait for that any longer. I just pray it's not already too late.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Well well well....look who crawled out from Canada...
'Sup AkHope! BTW, quick question (sorry for the hijack Scorp)...
Would you marry the guy you see in the mirror now?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am glad to see another Canadian post here as I wasn't sure how things operate in the territories. Can a spouse just up and take the kids away to another province without any consequence? Here in the States, if that had happened, the spouse would have been arrested and charged with "kidnapping."
Another question is that, according to Scorp, it appears that Canada generally doesn't favor fathers' rights compared to the States?
What's your take on the above questions?
Scorp,
You gotta ask yourself:
Are my kids worth FIGHTING for and HARD? That is a pretty simple question.
Then whatever all other stuff that W throws at you is pretty immaterial when it comes to the kids.
There is a moderation delay so my stuff shows up late. Thanks Mach for the bump. Hopefully, the moderation will cease sooner than later.
It's NEVER too late. Just gets harder and more expensive. And, again, as this is about kids (and they grow up with or without you), they can't afford either, can they? This is the part where you HAVE to do the right thing and stand up FOR them. As everyone here has stated, your W is thinking about herself.
You CAN do this! It's the first BIG step on the way to being the new Scorp- better dad, better man, and better partner to whomever you choose to have in your life.
Mr MSant2- Thanks for repeating the question. I don't like the answer yet. Work to be done. Never ends.
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
Hi Wonka!! I missed ya. You pulled me out of some bad stuff a few years back. Never got to say thank you as you disappeared again right after.
The rules here are really not that different other than procedure. Separation agreement BEFORE you can file for D.
And, like the US, there is no solid trend as to whether mom or dad get better treatment. I've seen right and wrong decisions. (Not a lawyer in case anyone asks)
Other than the complication of him being charged and taking some sort of deal, in my experience he has every right to have the mom chased down and the kids returned to the province they lived in. I had the police threaten something similar and my stbX is only 2o miles down the road. there was no legal arrangement so she had no leg to stand on in making her arbitrary decision. So she relented. And thus we created the current status quo (which oddly is in my favor)
Status Quo tends to rule the day so the quicker Scorp can resolve the custody arrangement (and that may require her to move back so he'll need to prove that is necessary for the financial best interest of all) She can apparently work anywhere; his best results are in Alberta. Plus, if the kids started to grow up here, the sooner they get back, the less disruption.
It comes down to this- The sooner Scorp ACTS in the best interest of his kids, the better. Period.
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
Good for you, scorp. I know you have been getting a lot of mini 2x4s, so I just wanted to post with some support and empathy. I know how much this svcks. I, too, had to file even though I didn't want to. I felt a lot of the same things you are feeling now, and my H is attempting to be as controlling as your W. So I do get it. I do want to let you know that, a month later, I am very glad that I filed and I am really grateful that I have a great L to help me through this.
If you don't LOVE your L, get a new one. It happens all the time. I switched mine and it took a whole lot of stress off of me.
Hang in there - I know it can feel overwhelming but at some point the dust will settle and you will be able to quit treading water and start swimming.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thanks Mel I'm focusing on my kids and myself more and more. It feels very odd to not be including my W in those plans, thoughts, etc, but it's the new reality. I'm no longer asking for my W's permission with our kids but telling her my plans instead. It's going to be rocky but it has to happen.
We'll see how things go with my L. If she impresses me in the next bit then I'll stick with her but I'm still a bit skeptical. Time will tell. I've heard my L is a real tiger so that's what I need.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces and they won't even watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you're strong. And no matter how they destroy you, that you can conquer anyone. You doing the right thing by filling! I'm not there yet, but thinking about going that route soon.
Our deepest wishes are whispers of our authentic selves. We must learn to respect them. We must learn to listen. The remedy for most marital stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance and forgiveness, but it's unfortunate that's not the case with most marriages of nowadays.
