Help!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

I think you have not read these yet, or remembered them.

These are called "rules" but they are Guidelines. Sandi assembled them from MWD's books and teachings. Not all apply, & some can conflict with others so you have to apply what YOUR situation needs.

Back when I was first here, I had about 12 rules, including a few mantras that soothed or empowered me. I laminated this on a card, and carried it around all the time. Here they are:


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.

39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is freeing.

[Beersha]

Hi 25,

Thanks for reply. I am trying to GAL. So far the best I have been able to do is join a gym that has free childcare. I'm struggling as H has left the kids solely in my care. He only minds them when I'm working. I have contacted a fee places looking to volunteer with them (something I have always wanted to do) and I can hopefully make some new friends. I don't have any family or friends nearby. They all live quite a distance away so getting the kids minded or even just going out for coffee isn't easy. My H has noticed the gym stuff though. He is obsessed with his at the moment and has been asking me about mine when he sees me. That's pretty much all he says to me, or stuff about the kids.

When he is around I am trying to appear as if. It's easy enough as that's what the kids need too. They still need to go to school, the housework still needs done. And i try to be 'happy' while I do it. I don't react to his little triggers anymore.

I don't try and talk to him anymore about our R, I haven't for weeks. And at the moment you are right. Even though if he does push this forward, and our house is sold, the kids need schools etc; at the moment none of that is happening. And we are ok. So as frustrating as this status quo is , it is working for me and the kids at the moment.

I do know that i will be ok without him. I can do it alone. And the children are ok (they're behaviour is settling down as they get used to it I guess. Although they do have some separation anxiety). I guess I just don't want too. I miss him. And I mourn I guess for the life i thought we were building together for our kids. I always thought we were on the same page. Now it seems we are reading different books. I'm not sure how to cope with those feelings.

[25yearsmlc]

what's new Beersha?

Keep posting and keep DBing.

GAL will help you detach, and detachment is a BIG step to an awakening,

which is needed for real change on your end.

And that's needed for any on your spouses end...make sense?

[Beersha]

Hi 25,
Thanks for checking in. I've had a strange few days. I've been off work with the kids and it's been nice spending time with them. My house meanwhile is in an absolute state but I can clean it later :-)

Sat was a bad day for me. I found out my H us escalating things with his lawyers. I hasn't heard from him after the car issue on Thursday. And as hard as it was I even bit my tongue and didn't give out about it as I once would have. (180 for me). Although his behaviour was still weird. On Thursday I tried to phone him about car and he didn't answers, but texted asking was everything ok. I didn't reply as I suddenly had the car and was busy trying to get all my stuff done. Then 3 hours later he sends a snarky text saying 'I guess everything is fine then' I mean really. Why does he care? He has made his position clear.
Anyway back to Sat. I was just feeling down and sad anyway, then out of nowhere he texts and announces he is taking our 2 eldest to the zoo Sunday. I replied pointing out that they had plans in the afternoon and there isn't really enough money for the zoo. He said i told you last weekend I was doing this. I replied that he had actually said he would take the on Sat and he hasn't mentioned it again the whole week. (Trying to establish boundaries like my IC said) To which he replied 'go **** yourself I won't bother' I know I shouldn't have but i rose to it. I replied that HE has made these choices, not me. And I wasn't saying not to see them but to maybe reconsider his plans around those the kids already had. Then he replied this :
'Im sorry, I forgot that you are the victim in this'
Say what!?!? How on earth can he possibly see himself as the victim?
I replied: 'I am not a victim. I fully acknowledge my short comings as a wife. I am prepared to work hard and sort out my issues. I did not throw you out. I didn't want you to leave. You will not talk to me. You will not attend counselling. I don't know what you expect from me.'

I know I shouldn't have done that, it broke so many rules. But really!!
I have no idea where his anger at me is coming from. He won't tell me what I have done to make him leave. I would love to know what he has told his friends he is staying with. And I am aware now he is talking tongues family a lot more than I was aware. It seems all these people have a better idea of his reasons than I do.
After that above he messaged asking me about a counselling/mediation organisation and if I would see them. He has deliberately chosen a different one to the one I know, to where we did our pre marriage course, where I see my IC. I told him I would prefer to continue with them to which he said ok.

It's funny. He is really angry aggressive via text message. But when I see him in person he is almost friendly and normal. It's like he can't do it face to face so hides behind his phone. When I see him in person he almost seems normal. He is planning a day out today with his guy friends, and was asking me about where his good shoes are (that he got for our wedding!), then he is telling his mans for day. I don't want to hear it! And why is he telling me? He doesn't want me to be part of his life apparently!

There have been so many other strange things from him. Another mother at my daughters school said she saw him the other day (she knows what's happening) and our kids wanted a play date arranged. He started chatting to get about it and said things like 'we live here..'??? Why say that when he has been gone 2 months? Other family friends came over yesterday while he was here and he again kept up the charade. I just don't get it. Surely he knows they will notice when he finally takes all his stuff and the house is sold? If he is so sure, why not tell them. Is he ashamed? And if so shouldn't that tell him something?


He did end up taking our eldest. 2 out yesterday. He wouldn't take all 3 as it's too difficult to manage. How does he think i manage everyday?! And if we split is he only ever going to take 2 at a time?

He still isn't touching any money. He is still relying on his friends generosity apparently. Surely that has to be wearing thin?

I am trying to GAL. I mac going to church and praying a lot more. I have reached out to a prayer group for support, the only problem is they are based a very long way from me. Thank god for Fb! And I have been making an effort to get out even just to playgrounds with the kids, and reaching out to old friends. It's so hard though!

So I spent most of sat in floods of tears, trying to hide from my kids. But they noticed mummy is sad and kept giving me cuddles, asking if I'm ok. They are such sweethearts.

Sorry for the ramble.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Melissa.
I know what you mean, but it's been 2 months and it seems he is pulling further and further away.

Sorry but two months is nothing here. He's not had the chance to process your "changes" and your backslides are too frequent for him to believe in any changes on your end. You need to detach a lot and GAL big time, as best you can. And stop thinking anything less than several months of small but note:

consistent changes + sufficient time = change he can believe in.


This weekend has been a big setback for me, but I also need him to be aware of my boundaries. He cannot come in unannounced and plan outings and the like without giving me any notice. (That's his thing at the moment!) I expect the same courtesies he demands of me.

Stop expecting that^^. Just set & enforce healthy boundaries on your end.

Do NOT let a wounded ego make a "boundary", b/c When we let our egos or pride or anger dictate our response, WE Lose...and often so do our children.

Maybe it's not as bad as I thought. He just invited me to he beach with him and the kids. Grumpily. And he can't go with all 3 without me, but hey it's a start.

why not let him try? IF you do go, do not be anything but pleasant and loving. NO matter what...

if he picks a fight, you do NOT engage. You warn him once not to talk to you 'that way' and if he repeats it, you leave...

This is not complicated. Is it Easy? God, NO....but it's not complex. Just warn and leave if the behavior is unacceptable.

OTOH, you might have a nice afternoon for your kids to remember, and you'd be giving your h something to miss.

He won't miss bickering or seeing your pain and anger in his face. Guilting him will backfire, so don't bother.

Become a woman only a fool would leave.

[Beersha]

Update:

So I really worked on 'me' and the kids this week. I've been going to church as often as I can, even the kids seem to be enjoying it.

I have caught up with friends, been to see a band, doing things I would have done before I married.
And I have felt ok, I mean still had some wobbly days, but ok. And the kids have been good too. It's easier when he isn't around.
I didn't contact him, he didn't come over. (Which makes me so sad for the kids but I'm just doing what I can) he did text a couple of times, and my replies were brief and too the point.

Last night for the first time he offered to come over and watch the kids so I could go out. I think he expected me to turn him down, due to the lack of notice (he offered at 1630), and my usual lack of social life. But I took him up on it. I went out with a friend, got all dolled up and ran out. He asked when I'll be home, I replied not sure, and he said no problem.
But while I was out (which was his idea remember) he starts texting me:
'Have you started looking for a full time job'
'I want the house sorted - whether you keep it or it's sold'
'When are you home - I need to get back, people are expecting me'

It totally ruined my night. The full time job comment - is that do he can take his money away? How about full time mother? I am struggling to work part time as it is! And full time would mean full time childcare. He never wanted our kids in childcare at all before, let alone full time!
And the house stuff - where does he want his children to live? Or is he just in a hurry to break all ties? He has never mentioned this before.
Why offer me a night out if he didn't really want me to do it? He hasn't bothered before. He is really quite nasty over the phone, but never says it to my face. I even asked when I got home that he please refrain from the nasty texts. Please have the decency to say them to my face but he just walked away. I am sick of feeling punched in the gut whenever he sends them.

And then to top it all off, he has reserved a fancy restaurant for 2 for Wed next week. The email confirmation came up on our computer. He's certainly not taking me. He never has, not anywhere like this, I got dates in Chinatown.

[MrBond]

Tell him that you specified to him that you didn't know when you would be back and that if he had a problem, he should have told you. And that if he had plans you would have had someone else watch the kids. Tell him in a "matter of fact" way.

Your H is very immature right now so forget about what he's telling you right now. Just keep concentrating on yourself and look killer every time you see him. Show him that he doesn't "own" you.

[Beersha]

I am just so sad. I can't shake it. This is really happening. I am trying so hard to be brave and strong and keep it together. 'Ill be ok'. But I just don't to feel it anymore.
I guess I've been hoping something will happen and he will miss us, miss me. He will come home and be prepared to work at it. But it most probably isn't going to happen and I need to get used to the idea of being a single mum of 3. That mine and their futures will be totally different.

[Beersha]

Update:
So Friday was a really bad day for me. I just couldn't shake the sadness. But I woke up Sat and went to work and felt ok. I think I am starting to accept this is happening. And as much as I hate it, reconciliation is unlikely.
I always do ok until he contacts me. I never initiate it anymore, and when he does he is usually all over the place. He acts all helpful, then gets nasty. It makes me anxious and stressed now.
But today he texted me asking if we can 'sit down' tomorrow after his meeting in the morning. (It's his lawyer but he doesn't know I know that)
I'm not free until at least mid morning and told him so.
This is the first time in nearly 3 months he has initiated any kind if talk about our situation. He has sent nasty texts but that's it. I am so nervous and anxious now about tomorrow. How should I handle it? I hVe no idea what he will say. I know he has a date planned for wed. Is he finally coming clean about the affair? He has been living on nothing, not touching the bank accounts, is it about money? If he removes his wage, the kids and I are in big trouble, the mortgage won't get paid.
Any advice? What should I do?

[Beersha]

Anyone? Any advice? I am so anxious!