Baby you can drive my car...

[AJM]

But he said he would take the kids tomorrow night since he didn't have them last night and we would exchange after D's basketball Saturday AM. Exchange. I hate that term. Like the kids are a pair of pants that don't fit.

That you have a lot of things to let go of, is obvious. The part that gives fits is exactly what those things should be. Objectively, it's pretty easy. Put the emotion into it and not so much.

Things happen. We deal with them as best we can with what we know at the time. We move on. That's how it works but the timelines are different for all involved

As for the exchange of the kids - from your post it looks like he's pushing things around - is that the case? In my case, I've insisted, both directions that first the kids get a choice (my kids are older now, so ymmv), and second that if you were unable to take that date, I'm more than happy to have the kids that day. And vice-versa, but that it would become too much (on the kids and on both of us) to try and keep track like that. It also cheapens the kids doesn't it?

She wasn't agreeable to that. I softly forced the issue by leading the way. Quietly and consistently. My ex and I don't talk at her insistence. So it had to be that way as far as making it so. In the early times, it felt like I was "losing" which I know is academically the wrong way to view things. But it felt that way and I make no bones about it

I'm very glad I did that.

I had to laugh. I was at a stop light in the neighborhood, heading over to get my son. My ex and her H live three blocks or so, but it was cold out so I figured I'd be nice. I looked up in the rearview mirror and saw a woman that at first, second, and third glance looked exactly like my ex, only more well-done and better kept. Beautiful woman. By the fourth time I realized it wasn't her (wrong car; ex wouldn't dare be in that old thing LOL). But I was able to share that with my son without the anger and he understood it. We were able to laugh at it. He's able to laugh at things and better understand what he saw and felt. I am no better able to help him through those feelings and things that come up.

It wasn't always that way. There was a time I felt like I was competing and I hated it. I still hate that my son has lived like a bedouin for the past several years. But I can live with that more than I can the anger and hatred and competing and fighting over the kids.

And although my ex wanted to go, moved out on the kids and me, lied, cheated, was the most selfish c*** you could meet (well...) I had to be the one to lead the way.

And I'm glad I did.

For my son's sake, and for mine. I wish I had been able to move faster through the emotions to the end for my daughter's sake. But that's how it is.

Something to keep in mind as you are gaining more and more perspective.

Peace,
AJ

P.S. pep talk? I just tell it like it is

[wishing, hoping]

Hello all

I have something that is bothering me. Need to get some feelers out.

So D had a play date this afternoon. While she was gone I decided to have some one on one time with S. He and I went shopping for some things for the house and for some ice cream. He asked if he could talk to me about something and I told him he could talk to me about anything.

He told me he was very upset about the marital house. He said the first time he went back into it after I left it was completely changed. He said she came in and took over. He said it doesn't feel like his home anymore. He said it really upset him. He said OW has redecorated and has even taken over what air fresheners he can have in his room because she is allergic. He said her boys are constantly in his room and wanting to play with his stuff. He feels like nothing is safe anymore. He is very unhappy. I said I was sorry for everything that he has had to go through and that I wish I could do something but it's out of my control. He needs to talk to his dad. He said he did and his dad told him to talk to OW. S did, but OW "just sat on her butt and drank soda".

S also said the other day he was on H's iPad and accidentally got into H's email. He found an email that H wrote to OW when they first met. Apparently H wrote something like "WH and I just don't have anything in common". S said mom, this made me realize that dad has been lying to me. S said when dad told me he filed for divorce he said it was because you were always in a bad mood and was always yelling whenever you got home. S said mom, I realize that is not true. You were tired when you got home but you never yelled at us.

S also told me H told him he was going to get a divorce when S when was in the third grade. But "H Decided" that he wasnt going to. I told S I had no idea about that and that H never said anything to me about it.

So I guess what is bothering me is the lies H is spreading to our kids. Especially S. And I do have to be honest that this new revelation has upset me a bit. There is nothing I can do. S even said he told his dad there was no reason he should have filed for divorce. He told his dad marriage is a commitment and a promise that is made in front of God. It is not something you just decide you don't want.

Now I guess I am set back a step or two.

WH

[TL72*]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any children with my mlc'er so i really can't comment but I'm sure that some of the vets will chime in soon. From what i've read you can't believe anything of what they say and only 50% of what they do, i'm sure you've heard this from many too. kind of hard to explain that to your children though, it is so sad that they have to go through this pain. sometimes it helps just to vent it here and know that you're not alone in this. I just wanted to respond so you didn't feel too alone. there needs to be a support group for children of MLC'ers

[golf mom]

WH, I wish I had the right words to empower you. I wish you didn't have to share custody with your h. This is an area where the legal system truly fails children. Unfortunately, you can't control how your h chooses to raise the kids on his time. I'm sure this is incredibly hard for you. It does seem like your son is starting to see the truth and realizing that he's been lied to. He's understanding who his dad really is and that will likely change things between them. This is precisely why my boys don't have a relationship with their dad. There's nothing I can do to change it. He ruined it all on his own. I'm so sorry.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks GM.

I hate the fact that I need to "co-parent" with this jerk. But unless he is a drug addict or abuser I am out of luck. But I guess he is their dad even if he is a jerk. He has no regard for what those kids think or feel. They are robots and they are supposed to go along with whatever he wants or thinks. Otherwise, like me, they will be shunned.

I don't know what is so wonderful about this OW that H needs to put his kid's last. What does he want from her that he is unwilling to see his kid's are hurting? Or is he incapable of seeing from anyone else's viewpoint?

I think I just answered my own question.

WH

[beatrice]

WH I am sorry for what you are going through. I read the book, Runaway Husbands, that GM recommended. Many of the spouses here seem to fit the type described in the book, and sadly the behaviour of your xh is not unusual. The author recognises fully how difficult it is to co-parent with the runaway type, and how they distort reality . You might find it helpful to read the book -it is easy, and helps reduce the sense of isolation that we all feel.

Your son will need your support to get through this, and no, it isn't fair. Your xh will not take your son's part against the OW. They are seeing the world through a distorting glass. If they were able to take a long hard look at the OW they would not have done all of this in the first place! I am so sorry for what you are going through.

[JuneReN]

Is your son old enough to have a voice in court? Give it a while longer ( it's still very new) and if S feels that way, you can always have him voice his opinion to the judge.

Here they take what the kids want very seriously.

Remember two things, it is a very different life for your kids now and it will take some adjustment on their parts. The second thing is we pretty much said wait a bit and you will find yourself with the kids more and more. My bet is if you had a job in the future and were willing to give up a chunk of child support for full time custody, H would go for it.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks everyone. It's always something with this jerk. Little D doesn't know what is going on. She will. I just hope H doesn't poison her against me. She already tells me that daddy says I am being mean or that I took too much stuff.

In other news on Friday at work we were supposed to have lunch with a vendor. We all drove to the restaurant and when we got there I told the hostess we were waiting for another person. My coworker told her we would need a table for six, but I said well what about the vendor? Don't we need a table for seven?

We sat down and my coworkers told me actually, WH, we lied. This Kung is for you. I said huh? They said you have really had a tough time of it and we wanted to let you know how proud of you we are. They bought my lunch and gave me a card with a $75 Target gift card. I cried. I was overwhelmed.

Yesterday at church I was sitting with some ladies and they started talking to me and asking me if I sang and begged me to join choir. I am tentatively thinking of attending practice Wednesday evening. If I can work up the nerve.

God is working on me and my sitch if I just let him. I am giving H to him as well. God can have him.

WH

[kml]

Awwww, that's so nice!!!!

As for your ex - yes, he's an idiot (who tells a 3rd grader that he's thinking of divorce?) but don't worry, eventually both kids will see that you are their rock and he's a moron.

Also, eventually, he'll find excuses not to take them as often.

Meanwhile, the best thing you can do for your kids is hear them but don't encourage negative thinking. Be positive yourself and point out the positives in your new situation. Set a good example of moving forward and being successful and happy yourself.

My daughter was very close to her dad and found ways to blame me when we split (even though it was ALL him). But now, 5 years later, she knows that I've got her back and her dad is selfish and stingy.

You can defend yourself against his most egregious lies but but try not to get into it too much. (For instance - "You took too much" - you could answer (well, daddy also has all of OW's stuff, and I needed things here for you").

[AJM]

I'm glad your situation is improving. Friends, other people, God... they all see WH. And they know what you've been through and how you've handled it (well).

As for your son, it's totally normal for him to feel like that. I'm glad he can talk to you about it. His father, his house, and his family have all been taken from him. That's a LOT for a kid. It was explained to me once that kids rely on two things for their stability 1) their parents being together and 2) and their house. Change either of those and it's bad. Change them both, and it really takes away their foundation.

That said, they are human. Humans are resilient. With your help, he'll be alright. It'll be bumpy, but keep your eyes on the future and the goals.

What can you do? Have you considered helping him see how you're there for him? He'll be worried about your well being and whether or not you'll be there for him. He trusts you which is a great sign, WH. While he knows you won't leave him, he may not yet trust his own feelings around that. He's been through a lot so it will take some time for him to process. Have you considered helping him make your new home his home? And telling him that? It would help him get his new "foundation" in place.

His dad has shared too much and done too much already. Water under the bridge, so the question is not can you stop it (you can't) but how can you lessen the impact to the kids, and especially your son? Look for those opportunities.

I've done the same and been through that, WH. It's not easy. I have a very contentious ex as well. One who refuses to co-parent. One who blames, manipulates, and sees nothing wrong with it or how it affects the kids. 7 years later, that may be changing but I don't have a lot of hope for that to help the kids at this point. I kept the house for the sake of the kids. Believe me, I didn't want to. I still don't want the house and it's a huge burden on me. But I can see now that advice was very good and helpful to the kids.

Work toward building that foundation for him. He'll need time, but with your help he'll get there and you'll be glad you took the steps you could.

You're doing very well, WH. Keep focused on you and the kids and God and you'll be better than when this started. So will the kids.

AJ