Help!!!!

[Beersha]

So weird day. This afternoon we all went to the beach, it would have looked like a normal family outing. The kids had a ball, and were happier this evening than they have been in weeks.

He has stayed all evening and s still here now. I have gone to bed now with our S, and I can hear him talking on the phone to his sister overseas in Skype.

I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I can't make out their actual conversation. It's good he has reached out to his family again, that was very out of character for him. It just makes me sad that I will lose them all too, and I find it odd they will support him walking away. Especially as they are a very religious family. It's silly but this phone call is making me anxious.

[Beersha]

So i am very confused after the weekend. He tells me on Sat that he wants to initiate mediation ASAP. Then on Sunday is happy to have a family outing (which I am so grateful for - it's like the light has been switched back on in my girls) and he stayed quite late - I didn't hear him leave.

I am trying not to read anything into the beach or him just hanging out with us yesterday evening, and to just take it as a nice time.
It is all just so confusing! I start steeling myself for mediation and all that will bring and then this. He didn't mention anything to do with our R or mediation yesterday. And I could see he was enjoying being with the kids, he misses them a lot. I don't think he realises either that they don't need big activities, like the zoo from him. They just want to be with him, reading stories or watching movies.

I guess I just I knew what was going on in his head! Is he leaning one way or another? I've always been a controller. A planner and an organiser. It's something I'm trying to work on, to let go. It's a 180 I guess. I know he would have expected me to go 'ok, this is what you want. This is what we need to'
It's been so hard but I haven't. I really don't want this, so in leaving him in the driving seat.

[Beersha]

Did anyone give their WAS a copy if DB or DR to read? Or us that pursuing?

[Bunches]

I'm always hearing specifically not to give them a copy. It would not be perceived well. If they pick it up on their own its one thing but giving it to them is like telling them they are wrong.

That's actually in the DR book I think.

[paul19510]

Yes in without realizing that it was not useful to do so...when my wife left I told her I'd been inspired by this work and had hoped we could learn together and work through our issues during out separation. This was useless. I didn't even bother to ask for it back. No sense pointing it out. Don't bother doing that. If you was wants to learn more they will.

[paul19510]

Additionally now through 20/20 hindsight I've come to understand that sharing all of this work amount to nothing more than pushing our beliefs towards our WAS. At its best its naive to think they need our opinion. ..at worst its controlling behavior because we are trying to shspe the outcome to our point of view. If you did it..move on...if you didn't do it..don't bother.

[Beersha]

Hi all,

I am trying so hard to DB, I am getting on with my stuff, going to the gym etc. I am struggling to make new friends though, it's hard as a grown up! And it feels like a lot of baggage when they hear my story. Pretty heavy for a new friend.
So when I do see my H, I don't mention our R anymore or what will happen next. I try to make friendly small talk.
From what I have read, everyone says the best thing is to listen to their stuff, validate them. But my H does not speak, about anything really. Occasionally he will talk about work or the children but that's it. So what do I do?

I really have zero understanding of him. I have been working the last 3 evenings and he has come over to watch the children. Instead of using the time with them, he has been leaving them in daycare for as long as possible, so he really only has a 1 hour window with them between pick up and bed time.
And he has always left as soon as i come home from work. But I got up this morning and he was asleep in our living room. I'm just not sure what to make of that? Or is it nothing? He hasn't stayed here overnight for 2 months....

[Beersha]

I'm feeling so lost to be honest. I feel like he looks at me as less than an acquaintance. Someone he barely tolerates. I'm not sure I have much hope. Has anyone heard that song Say Something, by A Great Big World and Cheistina Aguilera? That sums up how I'm feeling right now.

I am trying to have no expectations of him, but then he does something small, which I see as a small baby step and my spirits lift a little and then it's like he realises and has to kick me back down.

I just don't know how to deal with things if he will not speak to me, at all! He is still so strange - he will talk about the gym, his work, but not about the kids, our relationship or what he wants to happen next. I thought there was small baby steps when he started asking me about my gym.(Previously he has asked me nothing about me, not even a token 'how are you') But then last night he took the car. I told him I needed it for the school run and he said he would have it back in time. He didn't bring it back so I fad to walk them to school. I texted asking him about it at 10 and he said he would have it here shortly. It's now nearly 12 and still no sign of him. What is he playing at? Control games?
Everything he does is a secret. I don't know where or who he is with, or any if what he does outside work. I am trying so hard to detach, not to care or wonder about it, but it's difficult. He still gets to know my schedule, everything I do is around the kids

And so now since hasn't brought me back the car, I haven't been able to go to my social welfare appointment, I haven't been able to go grocery shopping or take my kids out for a treat like I promised them. It's so frustrating!!

[25yearsmlc]

Hi guys, I have another couple of questions.

Is it normal to feel ok, even good when my H isn't around now? When it's just me and the kids I'm good, and I can even see myself doing this without him. Generally after he comes around I fall apart a little, then feel like I have to start again.

It lessens tension when they are not around. That's just a fact. Savor it. And try to see their "visits" as opportunities to have positive interactions with them, by demonstrating change in YOU.

See, No WAS returns to a marriage, UNLESS they believe

that marriage can be better/different, than before.

You have to show them it can be, by beginning the changes in YOU


Also, when this first happened in early Jan, I totally broke the rules. Wrote him letters, contacted his family etc. I haven't done any of that now for nearly a month. (It's more than a little painful - it seems like me and my kids have fallen off the face of the planet for their grandparent and aunts and uncles on his side.)
Did I do too much damage?

This is not a question anyone can answer with "knowledge". But I can tell you it's pretty rare for pathetic behavior of one month, to "ruin" a health m. He'd already left when you did that. In time, loving feelings can be uncovered under the layers of ennui, anger, resentment and whatever other internal issues he has. But you must contrast the negatives he has of you, with positives. What are your 180s?

And finally what do people think of setting a time limit for my current situation?

A private internal deadline helps a lot of us get thru this. We want to know our "limbo" won't be eternal. But look at my signature block. You had kids with this man and no ring. What's the rush to end the marriage after a few months? My deadline was 2 years, so my oldest d could finish high school in one place. That's me. And I didn't know it would be 2 years...about a year into this, when I really began true detachment b/c GAL helped me (as opposed to the pining and obsessing I did the first year)

& my sil asked me if h was still paying the bills. (He was). So she said, "Why 'MUST' you decide now, if you know you want to be where you are for now anyway?" Good point...and it happened that when d graduated, & my deadline was approaching, h also began his road home. BTW, you can always change your deadline too...it's not a contract!


At the moment he has left physically, all his stuff is here, his money still goes in the joint account. But he will only babysit the kids when I have to work, he never takes them overnight (I don't even know where he is staying). He seems to think this is enough and fair. A friend has recommended giving this situation another 4 weeks, and if he doesn't initiate anything I should ask him to either commit to separating properly, or to commit to being around and trying to work it out. He says now there is no hope, nothing to talk about, but then why is he hesitating?

He's very confused. That is a good thing. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend those choices. Stop arguing it.

Why not show him (thru actions, not words) that YOU are a great catch? Be the better choice. Do some 180s and keep him second guessing his crazy choices...and work on the issues he has complained about in the past. Surely some of those complaints had some validity...? Focus on that. Otherwise he'll fear that it'll be more of the same if he comes home now, & you'd just be back where you were before he left...

Do your work. Become the best YOU that you can become. Either way, you'll be a better woman for this ordeal. Become a woman only a fool would leave.


All I know right now is this situation is bad for me and the kids. They are badly affected, they never know when they will see him. And my work is being badly affected too.

Thanks guys x

You have to GAL to Detach and you Must Detach before you can Move forward...you can prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I know living with the ambiguity is hard. I KNOW...that's why I hammer GAL so much. It really does work.

[25yearsmlc]

Did anyone give their WAS a copy if DB or DR to read? Or us that pursuing?

of course it's pursuing. IT's also showing him all your cards. He'll see every single "Change" in you as fake. As a "tactic" to get him home...

Let go of the illusion of control you have here. You're spinning your wheels. Stop wasting all your energy obsessing about which way he's leaning or what he's doing/planning/feeling. He does not know! When he knows, that can change an hour later.

I would not bring up any R talk, and the more he delays bringing it up, the better. IF you push him for an answer, it will NOT be the answer you want.

Having a good time with the kids is a good thing. Let him miss the kids. Stop telling him what they need from him. FOCUS ON YOU and creating a new fulfilling life without him. Yes, that is what you need to do. Assume he won't return but that you will be alright anyhow.

If he had died and you had grieved, you would not permanently lay in the fetal position, right? So what would your life without him look like in 5 years, with you being happy? ENVISION that...flesh it out.

What new hobbies or classes might you take up? Where would you live? Would you get a job? What kind? Ever want to learn a new language? DETAILS....

now, what of those^^ activities, can you start doing, now?