It's OK to wonder all those things about someone who would hurt us so much. We all do.
But keep in mind he's in transition. He's not who he was, and not who he will be a year from now. (Hmmm, it's a lot like puberty, isn't it?) And you are still attached and acting emotionally. And you haven't fully come to terms yet with what got you here.
I think for now, you have to stay the course. Learn to detach, become rational rather than emotional so you can figure out your part in this and become a better you. Then, when you "find that someone who deserves you", you'll be ready and wise enough to never end up here again. And maybe that someone will be your H.
I had arranged a playmate for my kids today, and just as we were heading out the door H arrived. He wasn't working until 4 apparently and wanted to see them. I offered to cancel the play date as they hadn't seen him all week. He said not to, he would wait for us to come home and see them then.
Then he made a comment about a plan to take them out tomorrow. Nothing has been mentioned to me. Thinking of my plan to implement boundaries, I pointed out (just as he has to me) that I don't know any of the people he is surrounding himself with, and introducing our children too, and I except the same as he expects from me. He didn't look happy at this but I thought it needed to be said. I also pointed out as we left he needs to explain where is to our children, as they ask more and more, and the current situation isn't working. He just nodded and said nothing as usual.
Then as we were leaving the play date to go home to see daddy, he text me he was leaving for work early, no point waiting in an empty house. I replied we are on our way home, and he told me not to cancel. Sure enough we got home and he was gone. The girls got very upset and our youngest D called him in tears. Our eldest D refused to speak to him. 5 minutes after that he texted me saying we wants to do mediation next week. I was floored, and couldn't help myself, I replied 'fine, who through? I don't think you can get in that quick' I rang my friend and she actually laughed. (She is 3 years post divorce) She said the first time something hasn't gone his way and look how he reacts. I am trying not to panic, and I am going to leave it to him to make any arrangements. I mean he is already physically gone, he seems pretty much gone emotionally too. It can't get much worse. It seems like he has noticed none of my DB efforts, none of my 180s or GALing. He is so busy out there doing his own thing he no longer even sees me. He is coming to see the kids tomorrow, and will be here the next few nights while I work. I'm not sure how to behave, or what to say or how to handle it! Advice please!!!!?????
So today started off well. I was a bit upset this morning, but my S and in and said 'no cry mama' and gave me a big kiss. Made me smile. My 2 Ds then came into my bed too, and we had some giggles and cuddles, and I made everyone scrambled eggs for breakfast. Everyone was in great form. Then the kids went outside to play and I started doing some much needed yard work. The radio was on the sun shining, the kids were laughing and playing and I though you know what, it's ok. We are happy right now without him. It'll be ok.
And then he texted. He will not speak to me. At all. Only via text. I just have no concept of what the hell has happened to make him go so far this way. He wanted to take the kids to the zoo with his friends. The zoo closes at 1700 and it's now 1330 and they haven't even left the house. I just got so upset I had to say something (via text of course). I know it's a big no no but my 180 of not saying anything, or calling him on anything doesn't seem to be working at all. This is what I sent:
Why can you suddenly not even speak to me? 2.5 months ago I thought we had a happy marriage. Then you walked out, with zero reasons, zero explanations. And you seem to think it's ok. 10 years of a shared life, and a future with our kids, gone. Just like that. How will you feel if one day a man does this to one of your daughters? Will it be ok? As long as he is happy?
He has since arrived to take them out. I hate it. And he has barely looked at me, let alone said anything.
Beersha - I know that it is so hard. We have all been there. But you have to tell yourself that this is going to be a marathon not a sprint. You need to throw out any timeline that you may have in your head as to when your H may change or when your H may notice your changes.
At the beginning of this I would go a week and then break down and send my H a text similar to the one you sent. And the time my H would only talk to me via text. I would lose it, he would get more angry and then I would feel worse.
At the beginning of the month (I think it was Oct ) I printed out a calendar and crossed off each day that I did not reach out to my H or breakdown. My goal was to make it 30 days. I called and made myself an appointment for a massive at the end of the month as my goal. And I made it . I will tell you that my H did not say anything about my changes that month. There was just less drama. It took him until the end of Nov to let his guard down a bit.
My point is that is takes months for them to see consistent changes. You need to stay consistent. Right now you know that what you have been doing is not working. So try something new because you have nothing to lose. Figure out a way to implement the changes. Everyone is different so find something to motivate you. I promise that after a while you won't be focused on whether your h notices because you will be so proud of yourself
You've gotten some great advice from 3boyz here. I wanted to add that you need to think about whether the very temporary satisfaction you may get from unloading on your H is worth the setback. Why do you think your H will not speak to you? Because he doesn't want to hear you say stuff like that!! If you do your 180s and you act as if, and all that, he may start to notice and feel a little more comfortable around you. But then you go and unload on him and it teaches him that it's better to avoid you. Do you see that?
Also, you will hear this over and over again here, but you need to accept that nothing YOU say is going to make your H see outside of his current POV. No guilting, shaming, logic . . . NOTHING. When you try to challenge his actions and beliefs, you are only going to make him dig his heels in further.
This is so early in your sitch. I am not even THAT far ahead of you, but things have gotten much better for me. It's extremely difficult (almost seems impossible, I know!) to do, but if you focus on YOU and your kids, and not your H, you will feel better. I promise.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I just feel at loss of what to do. I did a 180 and he seems to be behaving like it makes his life easier. No contact with me, out of sight out of mind, except for the kids. And even then he barely sees them.
He has just realised there is no money to take them to the zoo. It was tight before he left, and now I have to use before and after school care more often, drive to/from work and pay for parking, instead of using public transport as I normally would have, we are coming up short. And he is mad now, like it's my fault.
I stopped checking his accounts to make sure he had money, and that the direct debits will go out ok. Except for the joint account. Apparently that was an issue for him, he has no control over money. But just now he shows he has no clue! His account is overdrawn but he missed the minus sign!! And it's my fault. Of course.
Part of me just wishes he would go, leave us be. I would be ok with them on my own. It's the 'sharing' I'm not sure I can handle. His coming in and out of our lives.
I'm so sorry you are here. Try and keep on with your daily life without thinking about what and how this has happened. I've recently come up on a year anniversary of BD. I think I read where your H is a police officer? Mine is also, is able to retire this month. I know in my H's case, he has a lot of enablers, that won't say to him what a pos he is.
I just keep my space from anyone who has anything to do with the police dept. He has made everyone think I'm the devil to divert any attention off himself. Well and he told them all I made him leave. I started putting all the pieces together when I figured out more, too long to go into, but that OW is most likely another officer.
In these situations if we sit quietly all we can hope and pray is that we will get through this on top.
A point my therapist made to me the other day that made a lot of sense...... Every bit of communication from H's attorney to my attorney degrades me telling me I'm a terrible person and mother. Well naturally it always upsets me every time because I've been the sole provider since H moved out. I know deep down H knows I'm a good person and wonderful mom so why does he do this?
Therapist reminded me that H would NEVER tell me these things to my face because he knows they aren't true so he uses his attorney to hide behind. Therapist reminds me all the time to remember what I know to be true and not to even think about what he does.
I agree about them thinking they are invincible. In fact in my city they basically are. I'm entitled to half his retirement but every staffed officer of his rank who has gone to court in our city the judges always side with with the officers....and there have been some married 30 years where the wives got nothing. Yes I'm trying to avoid court. It is sad that some court systems are so unfair or I say corrupt but I'm doing my best to settle out of court.
You are early in your sitch. Keep busy. You will make it. I never thought I would make it a year.
M:40 H:42 M: 12yrs BD: 2/1/13 H moved out: 2/22/13 D: 11 Divorce started 11/13
I just feel at loss of what to do. I did a 180 and he seems to be behaving like it makes his life easier.
You are at a loss for what to do because you are still looking for a way to make your H do, say, or think something. You have to let go of that. Stop looking to him for a reaction. If you ever get one, it won't be for a long while. And even if you do get one, it might not be everything you want. My H noticed within a few weeks (!) that I had changed, he said that he admired me for it, and even said it made him remember why he married me. But hey, four months later, he still wants a D. We have no idea what your H will do. I am just telling you this because it illustrates why you need to keep the focus on you rather than looking to your H all the time for a reaction.
By the way, what is the 180 you are referring to?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thanks Melissa. I know what you mean, but it's been 2 months and it seems he is pulling further and further away. This weekend has been a big setback for me, but I also need him to be aware of my boundaries. He cannot come in unannounced and plan outings and the like without giving me any notice. (That's his thing at the moment!) I expect the same courtesies he demands of me.
Maybe it's not as bad as I thought. He just invited me to he beach with him and the kids. Grumpily. And he can't go with all 3 without me, but hey it's a start.
I used to try and push him to talk, I guess I was a nag and pursuer. About all sorts of things big and small. He hates talking about anything! And is a horrible procrastinator. Always has been. I was aware of it and my nagging, it's been something I was working on before this. So I 180'd it. I stopped asking him for anything, reminding him of anything, etc. my other big 180 is a part of GALing I guess. I have spent the past 10 years leaning on him too heavily. When we moved overseas to where his family is, I knew no one but them, and then when our Ds were born it got worse. Then when we moved back here, we both had no one, but as he was the one out working, meeting people, and then I had our S which again compounded it. So I have been trying to get out and meet people, find myself again.
