How do you do THIS part...

[swoop]

I am still feeling so much pain. I wish I could figure out how to repair myself, but my life doesn't seem to be moving forward.

My divorce (and wifes anger) have ramped up. She was asked to leave the apartment, on our property that she has been using for almost a year and a half, since she moved out of our home. For the past 6 months or so, she has been living with OM, so it seemed to my siblings that the time had come to move her out of our business. Needless to say, that didn't go over well and lots of threats and anger were expressed. She and Om started a page full of "poor me" on Facebook, and bashed me as well as my family up one side and down the other. It is so tacky and uncalled for, but something that I have no control over. I just have to grin and bare it, though it is embarrassing to know my friends see this sort of thing. I was given threats of taking my daughter away, harsh legal retaliation, the whole 9 yards. I understand they were just words expressed in anger. She doesn't have the ability to hurt me legally, but that doesn't lessen the sting I feel. It is just so hard for me to imagine how two people, partners, who were so loving at one time, who brought a daughter into this world that means more to them than anything, can end up where we are today.

I still can't sleep through a night. I still wonder all day long, "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN"...."WHY". I have accepted that I can't change it, so this morning I wake up, breath in, breath out and go to work. Divorce isn't something I wish on my worst enemy

[ericmsant2]

Suckerpunch

Do you see an therapist on some degree of frequency? If not, then maybe you should give it a try. Are you on anti depressants? If not, then you may want to try those as well.

but my life doesn't seem to be moving forward.

What does moving forward look like to YOU? Can you describe in a little more detail what you want to see/feel/have in order to feel like you are moving forward.

It is just so hard for me to imagine how two people, partners, who were so loving at one time, who brought a daughter into this world that means more to them than anything, can end up where we are today.

Reflecting and pondering why, what happened, how could it happen….is not healthy. You cannot change the past SP…you can though change and write YOUR future. You may never understand why your stbxw became who she is today. IMO, it was a choice that SHE made for HERSELF. It is now time for YOU to make a choice for YOURSELF. A choice to drop the rope and begin to really focus on what YOU need to feel better about YOU.

I have accepted that I can't change it, so this morning I wake up, breath in, breath out and go to work.

Acceptance is one thing – letting go is quite another and that is where I think you may be struggling a bit. Let it, her GO. Train yourself to think of other things whenever you start thinking about her. Fill your days with laughter and joy. You can do it buddy! Ya just have to make that choice and keep working at it.

[swoop]

Suckerpunch

Do you see an therapist on some degree of frequency? If not, then maybe you should give it a try. Are you on anti depressants? If not, then you may want to try those as well.

I have not been seeing a therapist, but I have been considering one.
I am not on anti-depressants, though I was at one point during this process. I don't "think" I am depressed, at least I don't believe so. My moods don't swing much. I am not way up. I am not way down. I am more dispassionate, but with a lot on my mind. My mind and some of my heart just feels HEAVY. I guess that is the best way I can explain it.

but my life doesn't seem to be moving forward.

What does moving forward look like to YOU? Can you describe in a little more detail what you want to see/feel/have in order to feel like you are moving forward.

I simply want to feel happy again. I want to feel that life has some purpose, some path, some dependability. I felt really secure in my marriage. I don't feel that way any longer. I almost have a feeling of urgency, but I don't know why. It just feels like I am spinning my wheels and going through the motions of life. Don't get me wrong. I am out there GAL. I am happy with work. I am happy with my home... but it just isn't fulfilling me.

It is just so hard for me to imagine how two people, partners, who were so loving at one time, who brought a daughter into this world that means more to them than anything, can end up where we are today.

Reflecting and pondering why, what happened, how could it happen….is not healthy. You cannot change the past SP…you can though change and write YOUR future. You may never understand why your stbxw became who she is today. IMO, it was a choice that SHE made for HERSELF. It is now time for YOU to make a choice for YOURSELF. A choice to drop the rope and begin to really focus on what YOU need to feel better about YOU.

This is exactly what I am struggling with, and it is the thing that is likely holding me back. I just can't seem to find a way around it yet. I am improving, day by day, week by week, but it has been on a very slow timeline.

I have accepted that I can't change it, so this morning I wake up, breath in, breath out and go to work.

Acceptance is one thing – letting go is quite another and that is where I think you may be struggling a bit. Let it, her GO. Train yourself to think of other things whenever you start thinking about her. Fill your days with laughter and joy. You can do it buddy! Ya just have to make that choice and keep working at it.

I think I need to do what you are explaining here. I need to teach my mind to redirect. I notice that I have a tendency to default to certain thoughts whenever something triggers me. I mostly know what those triggers are, interactions with wife, unforeseen encounters, whatever. I just need to learn how to redirect my thoughts.

Thanks so much, Eric

[ericmsant2]

SP

have not been seeing a therapist, but I have been considering one.

Probably a good idea.

My mind and some of my heart just feels HEAVY.

When your heart is not “heavy”…what are you doing (not work related or child related)?

I simply want to feel happy again. I want to feel that life has some purpose, some path, some dependability.

Interesting I read this and the one thing that stood out for me was…..”some purpose”, “some path” – SP, maybe that purpose is YOU right NOW. Maybe the path is “healing”. In terms of dependability, that is a tough one. Life is like a river dude, it flow freely a lot of it outside our control. Finding the balance and still being happy is the hard part. Have you considered helping at a soup kitchen or at a church?

but it just isn't fulfilling me.

Cause external things cannot make YOU happy inside. YOU need to find peace within yourself.

I am improving, day by day, week by week, but it has been on a very slow timeline.

Day by day and “slow” are normal SP. You do not want to rush it. Think of it this way….this time, these feelings, they will HELP you become what YOU are meant to be.

Train yourself to just focus on today! IMO, it is one of the most important things we can teach ourselves.

So what else is going on in the life of suckerpunch?

[AnotherStander]

My H has been gone seven weeks and I am in so much pain. I'm beginning to lose hope as he is so horrible to me and to be honest I'm not sure it would be a good idea to have him back, but wow does it hurt and I just ache for him. I really hope that I am not still so sad in a year's time. That is a very depressing thought.

Miranda, it does get better! I'm newly divorced and to be frank, 18 months ago after BD if you told me that D was my destiny I probably would have been suicidal (or more suicidal than I already was). I really credit DB'ing for putting me back in control of my life. I became the strong, independent person full of positive energy that I was before I got M'd. I feel better now than I have in many years, since well before BD. Be patient with yourself, recovering from this is a long process. Own your feelings, don't shy away from them. Take them head-on. I suggest reading The Happiness Trap, it really helped me understand and deal with the emotions I was going through.

I don't "think" I am depressed, at least I don't believe so. My moods don't swing much. I am not way up. I am not way down. I am more dispassionate, but with a lot on my mind. My mind and some of my heart just feels HEAVY. I guess that is the best way I can explain it.

Do try and get a T, they will help you with that, and they can determine if you need to go on A/D's again. I know you don't think you're depressed, but it's very common for people in depression to not realize they're in it, after you pull out of it and look back then you realize you were in a lot worse shape than you thought. It sounds like you're doing things that should be making you happy, but then you say it feels like you're just "going through the motions of life", so something is clearly wrong there. I think many of us make the mistake of waiting for things like this to fix themselves instead of seeking help. Go get the help, you deserve to be happy no matter what path it takes to get there.

[labug]

Who's Miranda?

[labug]

SP

have not been seeing a therapist, but I have been considering one.

Probably a good idea.

SP, I know making the decision to see help is difficult. But if you fell down and broke your leg, would you drag yourself around until it healed?

You've been thinking about a therapist for a long time. It took me years before I really committed to getting better. Like an alcoholic I thought if I continued to get out of bed, function,
hold a job I must be OK. I wasn't. I, like you, had a heavy heart, my life seemed to have no purpose, I found no joy in things, I felt no love. My important Rs cracked.

I wasted a lot of life.

Things can be different.

[swoop]

That really puts it in perspective, La. I am looking for a therapist now. I appreciate your support.

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs, same old roller coaster, just a lot less emotional. I "think" I am getting close to being fully detached. I've noticed that MOST other things going on in my life right now are considerably more important than STBXW, which is good. AND, the Sun is beginning to shine in my area....Need some vitamin D!

[ericmsant2]

SP

Just checking in...

How are you doing?

[Live4myDay]

I'm curious too. I have been following your situation and check for updates all the time. Hope all is well.