Beersha - Your situation is very similar to mine. My boys are 5, 3, 15 months. I am so sorry to see that you are in this spot. I am a bit further along in this journey than you, but still trying to hang in there. If you read back in my threads, you will find a lot of great advice that I have received early on from everyone here helping me to establish boundaries.
My H is living at his parents, does not take the kids overnight, etc. He used to come into the house, lay in our bed, shower, eat whenever he wanted. Back in November, I set up boundaries with him. He was not allowed to use the house like his own. We sent days for him to have the kids, so that he was no longer just swinging by for dinner whenever he felt like it. The boundaries are to protect you and the kids. They are not an ultimatum. They have nothing to do with timelines, etc. Ultimatums and timelines will not work. It make me feel like I had some control. H did not like it but he respected the boundaries.
This is going to be a marathon. Just focus on yourself and your kids. Set your boundaries and forget about what your H is doing.
I have to run, but if you post your schedule with the kids/work and we can help you come up with a proposal to talk with your H about. It really does help. It also helps with the kids so that they know when to except seeing their dad.
I know how you feel about thinking you are deluding yourself. I feel the same way. He is very clear on what he wants regarding me. My only glimmer of hope is he say she doesn't want to disrupt/hurt the children (not sure how he doesn't see that is exactly what he is doing now, but anyway)
I know I was very reliant on him, him and the kids were my whole world. I did very little for myself, I was too busy making stuff right for them. So I guess it is a big 180 that I have joined a gym, started going out for coffee, to shows with friends. I'm thinking of taking some classes too, stuff I always put off. But he is so rarely here I don't think he has noticed. He hasn't even commented that I have lost 20 pounds! I'm getting back into touch with my faith, which is helping too, if nothing else it helps calm the fear and anxiety! I'm trying to remind myself I am not the horrible person he his painting me to be If I was no one would have been surprised by his actions! Most of his family think he is either having a breakdown or on drugs! And if he does choose this, I'm not over the hill yet! Remembering it's their issue, not yours is a hard but important step I think.
I know it feels like this has been going on forever but really your situation has just started. I know for me the first month after my W left felt like a year. We're going on 4.5 months now and I'm realizing I've only really just started.
If you keep up the changes you're making your H will notice, he would have to be blind not to. It may take a while but if you make yourself the best version of you possible he would be crazy to leave. It's possible he is crazy, it happens, but if that's the case at least you will be in a great place for yourself and your kids.
One other thing that's seemed to help me is that I haven't been angry or negative toward my W at all. I truly took 100% responsibility for my own actions that led to our situation. No matter what happens I think the best option is to take the high road. If your H tries to draw you into an argument or is negative don't take the bait. Don't let yourself be walked on but also just be as kind and polite as possible. It defuses the situation and in time your H might realize how foolish he's being.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
So today I had another IC appointment. She basically said that I need boundaries, and to take care of myself first. She said when you love someone it's easy to put them first, but H is now taking advantage and treating me like a doormat. She quoted a proverb I really liked: 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life'
She is right and I know it, I'm just not sure how to set some boundaries, as both my H and I do shift work, on changing rosters. So saying something like 'you can have them every second fri through sun' won't work as neither of us have regular days off. We struggled organising our rosters when we lived together!
I registered for single parent payment today too, I have an interview next week. I feel sort of sad about it, but I need to make sure the kids are ok. And if I can get iti may be able to work less, so I can be here for the kids more.
My IC also said this is his issue, not mine, he has stuff from his childhood especially, he hasn't dealt with properly and it's manifested this way. He isn't ready or able to turn inwards and face himself. And all I can do is look after me, and the kids and hope something changes in him, so he will deal with it, otherwise there is virtually no hope. Although she did say that he will most likely sabotage every relationship that follows me too.
That's the other thing I wanted ask. Tomorrow is his birthday, and the kids have made him a card. I haven't heard from him at all regarding his plans for tomorrow, but I know he is working 1500-2300.
Do we ring him in the morning so the kids can say happy birthday?
Also, I have heard through the grapevine he is contacting a lawyer. I know I did already for some information but it just makes it real. He is really hoping to do this, and I may never get an explanation except 'I don't love you'
I would say that the relationships the kids have between you and your H should be separate from the issues your having as a couple. Saying that, I think it would be good for them to give their Dad a card, wish him happy birthday etc. It may not hurt for you to at least wish him a happy birthday as well but maybe not make a big deal about it.
Since your situation is so new and it seems your H is racing toward divorce I can understand you may have a feeling of panic about the situation. I know my W had been pushing very hard for a D, wanting to sell off all of our assets etc. That hurt a lot but I think she's realized that if she does go ahead with a D it will take a long time and she's backed off for now. Where we live she cannot even file for a D for 1 year (she's been gone for 4.5 months so she has a while to go yet). A lot can change in a situation given time so just because your H is showing every sign he wants to D does not mean he will not change his mind.
I would say make sure you and the kids are protected and continue working on making yourself the best you can be. In time, your H will notice the changes and it may at least cause him to rethink his actions.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
So an update: Regarding his birthday, the girls made him cards and a presents. He stopped in the house during his shift for 10min or so and they saw him briefly. He seemed to get quite upset. I didn't really speak to him, I just kept preparing dinner for the kids. I did notice later that he spent a fortune on a cake for him and his buddies for his birthday, but nothing to share it with his kids.
I now know that he started looking into lawyers over a month ago. I'm not sure how far he has gone with it as he isn't touching any money, unless his parents sending him some, but that isn't likely. (They don't have much) So I have made myself an appointment with a lawyer today. I don't want to be blindsided by him. I know he thinks he has an advantage being a cop, as though that means you have unquestionable character.
So I am trying to just get on with things. Move on as best I can for now. It's hurts so much, but he has made his position clear. Hopefully next week I will be approved for single parent benefit which takes a bit of pressure off. I am even trying not to rely on him for childminding while I am at work. Him doing this means he makes no other efforts to see them. He can work a little harder for them, they deserve at least that. I have to stop wondering where he is, who he is with and how he is living. He is obviously fine. And I know that I will be too. In starting to wonder what I even feel for him now. It's almost all gone I think.
So I saw my lawyer, and feel a bit better. He can't legally pull the rug from beneath my feet financially. But basically she said we are still stuck until he wants to talk. Mediation is compulsory here before anything else can happen. But seeing as he avoids all contact, I'm not sure how that will go. I've been trying to leave it up to him to organise the next steps in this process, since he is the one who wants it. I've been doing fairly well DBing. It's easy when he never contacts me or the kids. We never see him, and he very rarely even texts to see how the kids are. It's so hard on them. They have no idea where or why Daddy has disappeared. Do I push that we tell them do we can start dealing with the problems it will bring properly? Not doing do well GALing. I always have the kids, and there is no money for babysitters. I have hobbies I can do at home, but they are all solitary things, and I know I need new people in my life.
I have few friends living in the city where we are, and no family. He has an Uncle and done cousins who we have become close too, em specially the kids. They are aware of what is happening, but still want to see us. H is avoiding all contact with them. They invited us over for a BBQ the past 2 nights. It was really nice, lots of people round and the kids had a great time. But it was also uncomfortable. Nobody wanted to mention the elephant in the room. And it hurt me, as we've also attended these things as a family. It may be silly but what really got to me was when I got the kids home they were all asleep in the car, and I had to carry them all in by myself.
I am trying not to think about him, or who/what he is doing. He is putting very sexually explicit jokes and pictures on Fb. Which is very unlike him got starters but it also upsets me, as is that what he wants now? To sleep around with women who do anything he requests in the bed room? He used to complain I wasn't ' adventurous' enough. But to be it was a time to reconnect, show our love physically. You can't do that when your hanging from the chandelier.
I had a big cry yesterday afternoon. It really feels like he is gone. I don't understand how he is surviving, with no money, none of his things, but i am trying to tell myself that isn't my concern. He has a home here if he chooses to return to it. People have said that will be his catalyst for changing our situation. When he needs money. I originally thought our would be our kids, he would miss them, he would see the negative affect this is having and agree to try to work it out. At this point I can't see him wanting to work it out due to his pride. He has been only talking to/staying with/borrowing money from his work colleagues. They work very closely together, and knowing him, he would feel like he can't 'back down' in front of them or lose face. I don't understand them though either. Wouldn't you lose respect for someone who can just walk away with no contact from his wife and 3 children?
The H I am dealing with now is so different to the man I knew, that in not even sure what I feel for him now. I mean I love and miss the man I knew, but this person? Who can be so cold and horrible? Who is do shallow? Who is willfully destroying all my happy memories, telling me it was all a lie? I don't even like him, he is not someone I want in my life, or even in my children's.
If I feel that way, do I continue to stand? Or are we done? I'm not sure how I could even trust him ever again. He has been lying so much, and for how long? It may have been years if I listen to him.
Part of me wonders do I just tell him he dab have what he wants and be rid of me. And then at least I have a chance to find someone who deserves me.
