Scorp, I ran into a similar situation w/ my W when we separated. My son plays basketball once a week. At first, we decided to alternate weeks going to watch him. I went the first time and it sucked. My son knew his mom wasn't there and didn't understand why (we ALWAYS have done his stuff together).
I mentioned to her after that that we should do his activities together. She initially got upset at this and said she didn't want to ride in the car for 20 minutes (one way) with me because it would be uncomfortable. I also told her that as his parents, if we can't pull ourselves together for HIM for at least 40 minutes, I'd be very disappointed in both of us as parents. She had no response to this because she knew I was right. I suggested we just drive separate and we'd meet there.
We've done that now for 3 straight weeks with no problems at all. Not saying it's the same thing and that's what you should do but when it involves your child the 37 rules aren't exactly something that should stand in your way.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Thanks trc, that is my thinking as well. The kids need to always come first before any issues that their parents have with each other. They desperately want to see both their Mom and their Dad at the same time and have been unable to do so for 4.5 months now. For kids as young as ours, that is an eternity.
My W may see doing things together with our kids as giving them false hope that their parents will get back together. She has already told them that "Mommy and Daddy will never be together again", something that I think was very wrong to do no matter how certain she is about ending the M.
I am going to be taking them swimming a few times this weekend so I may throw out the suggestion to my W to meet us at the pool for one of the trips.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Hi Scorp, I am just catching up on your sitch. I have invited my H on outings with the kids before and I figured I would share what works for us. If I am planning to do something with the kids that I have reason to believe that my H may be interested in attending, I extend an invitation. I usually only do it for big things (breakfast with Santa, first trip ice skating, first trip for S3 to the movies). If we are just heading to the playground or something small, I generally dont extend an invitation because I dont want it to come across as pursing and trying to get him involved in everyday life with me which my H did not want. I extended the invitation to the "big things" because I would hope that if my H was planning something "big" he would also extend an invitation to me. If I extend an invitation, I only do so once. I dont follow up with H or nag him to see if he is coming. My H will usually tell me right away if he wants to attend. My H is not a planner, so at first he would forget about the invite. He missed out on S3's first trip to the movie because he forget to tell him and/or add it to his calendar and he booked a work appointment. We went to the movie anyway. Since then, my H makes sure to write down the event if he wants to come. If he does not want to go or does not respond, we go anyway. Make sure that you go even if your W does not come. You dont want her to ask the kids how the event was and then have the kids say you just sat home. Your W will think that you were just planning the event to get her to join. If she says no, keep the smile on your face and dont seem disappointed.
If you are able to have no expectations and continue on with your plans no matter what, I have found this to be very good for everyone involved. The kids gets to spend time with mom and dad, I get to show my H the new me, I continue to GAL and H sees that my life no longer resolves around him.
Thanks for that 3boyzmom, that is a really good approach. Going swimming with my kids this weekend wouldn't qualify as a major event other than having my W and I together with our kids would definitely be a huge event for them (and honestly me too, it would be a major positive step).
I've made so many positive changes but my wife hasn't been able to truly see them since we haven't actually been together at all since she left. If she would come out and do something with the kids and I she could start to see the major changes I've made.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Scorp, take it from me, you've got to quit looking at your W under a microscope. You are way too hyper-focused on what every little thing she does or says means. Let it go. This journey is about Y-O-U. I say "take it from me" because I did the same thing, and all it did was delay my putting the focus where it really needed to be- on me and my kids.
"I've made so many positive changes but my wife hasn't been able to truly see them since we haven't actually been together at all since she left. If she would come out and do something with the kids and I she could start to see the major changes I've made."
The changes aren't for her. They're for you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
AnotherStander, MrBond, agree, although I would say my changes are also for my kids, not just for me.
I do think I may ask my W to come along with the kids and myself this weekend. Not sure about that yet but if she comes it would be great, if not then the kids and I will have a good time on our own.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Well, so much for my little bit of hope from last night. I just received another very cold email sent via my W's mother dictating how we are to proceed. She's telling me she will come to clean out more things from the house. Stating I will only see our kids every second weekend despite my continually saying we need to share time with the kids equally. She goes on to talk about selling off our assets asap.
This is so brutal. My number one priority is our kids so all of the other items she's pushing for mean very little to me. I don't want to get in a battle with her over the kids but I feel if I give in on the financial matters then I lose any leverage I have with having equal time with our kids.
I love my W, I know right now she seems to not feel the same, but I have to do what is right for our kids. Feeling very lost.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Second this. You need to consult a lawyer. You need to know your parental rights.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
