My exw told me how much she cared about me and what a wonderful man I was months after she filed. Doent try and make sense of things right now. Its too early. Right now we are trying to get u healthy and strong again. Do post your thoughts it really helps. Whats a netball team?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Lol! Netball is kind if like basketball, except you can't move with the ball, and only certain players can shoot for goal. And there is no back board. I'm in Australia, it's a very popular girls sport here.
Part of me wonders if I can just sit tight, keep things going and looking after myself he will come to his senses. He says he is so sure, but he is hesitating in taking any other steps forward. He seems to think saying it's over is enough. But he still just tells the kids he is working. He doesn't want to tell them he doesn't live here anymore. Someone described to me that he is building a house of cards, by pushing people away, and living on his friends generosity. At a certain point surely they will say enough is enough, you need to sort out your problems. He is living with no money, no car. If I can hang in until this happens, maybe there is hope? He doesn't seem to want to acknowledge if he persists in this, he will need his own place, with room for the kids, his own car, and will have to pay child support not to mention all the other things like selling our home, custody arrangements etc Then I can't help but wonder is he being so nasty so I will give up, and make all the moves, so he doesn't have to do it? I just can't see a way back from here at the moment. I know long term I will eventually be ok, and the children will adapt and be ok too,I guess this just isn't what I wanted for them.
I hear you. I dont know what hes thinking and neither do you. I remember asking thexsame questions. "W if u leave whos gonna cut the grass paint etc". She laughed at me. So dont worry anout them. Worry sbout your and the kiddos needs.
The net ball thing. So how do u play if u can move with the ball? is it a girl sport only? If so im interested im middled age u know
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
It's mainly a girls sport, but there's some mixed teams that are usually good fun.
A question: when he comes over, he totally makes himself at home, eats what ever, showers, leaves dirty clothes in laundry room. It's not normally much, just a t shirt or some boxers. Do I wash his things? He seems to want to go out of his way to break any connection we have, then he does stuff like that?
It's mainly a girls sport, but there's some mixed teams that are usually good fun.
A question: when he comes over, he totally makes himself at home, eats what ever, showers, leaves dirty clothes in laundry room. It's not normally much, just a t shirt or some boxers. Do I wash his things? He seems to want to go out of his way to break any connection we have, then he does stuff like that?
my W did the ssme thing early on. I simply put her dirty laundry in a bag and gave it back. He csnt expect you to act like a W if he is not a H at the moment.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Is it normal to feel ok, even good when my H isn't around now? When it's just me and the kids I'm good, and I can even see myself doing this without him. Generally after he comes around I fall apart a little, then feel like I have to start again.
Also, when this first happened in early Jan, I totally broke the rules. Wrote him letters, contacted his family etc. I haven't done any of that now for nearly a month. (It's more than a little painful - it seems like me and my kids have fallen off the face of the planet for their grandparent and aunts and uncles on his side.) Did I do too much damage?
And finally what do people think of setting a time limit for my current situation? At the moment he has left physically, all his stuff is here, his money still goes in the joint account. But he will only babysit the kids when I have to work, he never takes them overnight (I don't even know where he is staying). He seems to think this is enough and fair. A friend has recommended giving this situation another 4 weeks, and if he doesn't initiate anything I should ask him to either commit to separating properly, or to commit to being around and trying to work it out. He says now there is no hope, nothing to talk about, but then why is he hesitating? All I know right now is this situation is bad for me and the kids. They are badly affected, they never know when they will see him. And my work is being badly affected too.
Is it normal to feel ok, even good when my H isn't around now? When it's just me and the kids I'm good, and I can even see myself doing this without him. Generally after he comes around I fall apart a little, then feel like I have to start again.
Also, when this first happened in early Jan, I totally broke the rules. Wrote him letters, contacted his family etc. I haven't done any of that now for nearly a month. (It's more than a little painful - it seems like me and my kids have fallen off the face of the planet for their grandparent and aunts and uncles on his side.) Did I do too much damage?
And finally what do people think of setting a time limit for my current situation? At the moment he has left physically, all his stuff is here, his money still goes in the joint account. But he will only babysit the kids when I have to work, he never takes them overnight (I don't even know where he is staying). He seems to think this is enough and fair. A friend has recommended giving this situation another 4 weeks, and if he doesn't initiate anything I should ask him to either commit to separating properly, or to commit to being around and trying to work it out. He says now there is no hope, nothing to talk about, but then why is he hesitating? All I know right now is this situation is bad for me and the kids. They are badly affected, they never know when they will see him. And my work is being badly affected too.
Thanks guys x
I've broken the rules over time too. the trick is to know that you did, forgive yourself and keep going. You didn't do anything "bad" (like run over somebody or something). Continue to move forward with helping yourself be a happier, healthier you. help your kids too. I know mine are happier at the moment with W and I apart. Its hard for me to admit that I feel good too.
like I've been told, the only way through this is through it. continue to exercise (this saved me). find new hobbies or rekindle old ones. join a club or group that has people you can make friends with.
I was faced with giving in and filing for D last week. I found out some tings that are occurring in the background that are making it "dangerous" financially for the family for us to stay married. Part of me still hopes that things could still work someday, but I know that we are both unhealthy at the moment.
Like cadet tells most people, "your spouse has given you the gift of time...use it wisely...."
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
A WAS family will often take their side. Whether they agree or not. Blood is thicker than water. That is why talking to family is not adviced. That includes our own families. Giving him ultimatum and dead lines will always fail you. Its like pursuing. I would consult a L just to have info. Not suggesting you file for divorce just to get info. If you do consult do not tell H. This is a marathon. It takes time and lots of patiences. That is why you must GAL. If you read success stories you will learn that the LBS let go and moved on. Keep asking those good questions
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I have been and got done legal advice, all they really said was you have to be separated 12 months before you can divorce, and only one spouse has to want it. She recommends mediation at this point to try to arrange things for the kids. I'm hesitant to do it as I don't want to force his hand if you like, he does seen to be hesitating in the next steps he apparently desperately wants. But it's been 2 months, and he foes seem to be walking all over me. He only sees the children when I work, he has left and is living like a single childless guy 99% of the time.
He is being very deceitful (which I know isn't unusual). He won't tell me exactly where he is or who he us staying with. Or how he is supporting himself these past 2 months, since his whole pay check goes into the joint account and I can see he doesn't touch it. He is putting things on Fb but blocking me from seeing them, but still has it set to show he is married to me, and he regularly posts pictures/stories of the kids. He has also started liking pictures on Fb of scantily clad women , which he never used to do. He hasn't worn his wedding ring for 2 months.
I know that even if this happens as he wants it, I will be ok. And I am trying to GAL and kind of move on like he has., but it's a struggle. The kids ask me if I'm coming home all the time, because they know Daddy hasn't been. I don't like leaving them now, I'm all the stability they have. I know in the long run it is his relationship with the kids that will suffer, and he is the one missing out. Our S isn't even 2, and is at that age where he says new words everyday, or does something very funny and cute as he tries to copy you. You can't get this time back and in 3 months or so it'll be done forever. A friend said too has he considered how he would think/feel if someone does this to one of his daughters in 20 years time?
I guess I just feel like I am sitting here waiting for him to decide. Is he hesitating or just happy with things now, with his responsibility free life? He always used to say how lucky he was, and how much he loved me and his little family, that we were the most important things in his life. It feels like we have been replaced by the 'lads', the gym and the pursuit of pretty faces//hot bodies who haven't had his 3 children. Most people around me want me to kick him to the kerb, get the gloves off and finish what he started. Make him see exactly what he is walking away from, and how his life won't be like it is right now. He will need to pay child support, to rent his own 3 bed place, furnish it, get himself a car. He can't afford any of that. And he only has 2 weekends off in 5, and one 4 day stretch. They would be the only times he could take the kids, so what about his single man social life? I seems like he hasn't thought about any of this, or if he has, he's avoiding it and keeping us in this weird limbo as it's better for him.
He reminds me at every chance how little regard or feeling he has for me now, I don't understand where it can have gone so quickly. I have messages and emails from him from 2.5 months ago telling me he loves me, or he just heard this dong on the radio and it made him think of me. He used to tell me that the smallest touch from me gave him butterflies in his tummy, and that I was in his mind all the time. And then I can't help but wonder now he telling the truth? Has he felt nothing for years, has it all been a big act, a big lie? He even implied he felt nothing for me when our children were born, which is the most hurtful thing I think.
Hi Beesha, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I only wish my W wanted to work on our marriage as much as you do with your H.
It might be time to do a few 180's if you haven't already. If you pull back big time I think he'll notice. The more you GAL, do things with your kids, your H may start to notice and want to be a part of that. It feels very odd to do but the more you pull back the more your H may start to realise what he's losing.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
